I haven't written in here in a while, which kind of sucks. I'm tired from work and stressed out, too. I ended up eating like crap when I got home, which wasn't good. I've been eating awful lately and I hate it, but I'm not sure how to stop it. Though I did just read a thing saying that it's better to pay for food with cash than with a credit/debit card because then you won't be able to buy junk. Which makes a lot of sense and is something I'm probably going to start doing soon.
I just have to say, I haven't really been having a lot of fun this summer. I feel like all I am doing is working and working. I do hang out with people, but it's just not that fun for me. Whenever I hang out with R, it's "drive me here, let's go here.". I feel bad that she can't drive, but why do I have to drive her everywhere? Why can't she take the bus and go out instead of having me do it? Not to mention she often wants to go to places like Iggy's, which is near the beach. She lives in the northern part of the state, I live in the central part. I would have to go north, then south, then north again to drop her off, then south again to go home. It's a lot of driving, which I don't want to do, but she doesn't understand that. She won't even take the bus to somewhere that's near my house so I can just pick her up there and we can go and then I'll drop her off at the bus stop. Not to mention I got mad at her the other night for bailing on the writing group and she didn't even try to talk it out with me or apologize.
Basically, I tried to start a writing group for a whole six months, but no one wants to help me. I can't organize it and be at every meeting and come up with prompts and create a website all on my own. All I asked her and the other girl in the group to do was to show up at the meeting I couldn't get to because of work. I wanted someone to be there in case someone saw our ads and showed up. Instead, they didn't go and didn't tell me until after the fact. They also didn't bother to call the library (where it was being held) to see if anyone had shown up, even though the library guy knows about our group and would've told them. If they'd told me that they weren't going ahead of time, I could've tried and called the library myself on my break at work, but they couldn't even be bothered to do that. I swear, R is so damn selfish.
She bought me a donut a couple of week ago when we went out with this guy Sousuke. I thought that she was buying me the donut out of kindness, since I had just driven the two of them to the mall. Now, I didn't have money to pay for the donut, but I did have my debit card, which I was going to use until she offered. We hung out on Thursday, and she turns to me and says "You still owe me the money from when I bought you the coffee (she meant donut, but she forgot because she's stupid)." I mean, if she wanted me to pay her back, why did she buy me the donut at all? I could've bought it myself and saved her the trouble.
Not to mention she started shit with Sousuke and I. We all hung out on Thursday and she likes Sousuke, and even told him such. Well, he doesn't like her that way, but he has no balls so he couldn't tell her that. She then went on Facebook after I dropped her off and wrote that she felt left out. Then, after I went to bed, she wrote on my Wall that she liked him, but he liked me and that I didn't really like him. She said she hoped we would figure things out and that she still wanted to be friends with us. Well, now Sousuke is mad at her and me. He's been a grumpy bitch these past two days at work and I don't like it. I didn't do anything wrong, though I did tell R to stop being so self pitying and to act like an adult about the situation.
I don't like Sousuke, so I don't mind that he said he didn't like me in that way after he read what R wrote. In fact, I'm relieved because I was worried he had feelings for me and I didn't know what to do about it. But I don't like the way that neither one of them will talk to me or hang out with me now because I don't feel like I really did anything. I feel like they're both blaming me for stuff. And I'm mad at them for not being able to handle their feelings like the adults they both are. This isn't high school anymore, this is real life! If you don't like a girl, then just say it to her, and if you like a guy, then say it to him. I feel like they were both trying to use me to tell them each others' feelings and it was bs.
I haven't been doing much besides hanging out with the two of them. Hydrogen won't return my phone calls because she's "busy", but I don't understand how you can be so busy that you can't be bothered to return a phone call. It's not like she doesn't know my number and it's not like it would take forever to leave a message saying that she'll call me when she can and that she got my message. Nad has a girlfriend, who is now the center of the universe, I guess. I always see things about them hanging out, and even Hydrogen and her husband go along with them. It kind of bums me out that they are happy like a family now.
Between my shitty job and my loneliness, I don't know how to deal with life. I try to write, but nothing really comes out onto the page. My music isn't really interesting me and I find myself too tired to do anything. I was trying before to work out and lose weight, but then I injured my ankle and it went downhill. I'm kind of depressed because now there is no one for me to be around. I want a boyfriend, but I'm not interested in anyone right now and the guys that are attracted to me are always fucked up.
I wonder if I will ever love anyone, as I'm getting to the age where it's weird that I haven't. Not to mention most of my friends don't know what it's like at all, even though they try to relate, it's not possible for them. It seems like everyone has a life and someone to talk to, but me.
I'm considering volunteering for the Samaritans to let people know that there is always someone to talk to. I don't want anyone to feel the way I do. I don't know if I'll be good at it or if I will last very long, but I want to try it. It's not like anyone is going to miss me being around and if I can stick with it, it will look good on my resume. I also think that helping others will be a reward in and of itself. Not to mention it might give me some reflection into how I'm feeling and how to get out of it. I imagine the first step is to reach out to others, no matter how small that reach is.
I miss my Grandma a lot, that's all I can say. I sometimes cry when I see elderly people at work, especially if they have the haircut she did. Or when I get lonely late at night and want someone to talk to. Sometimes before I go to sleep I think of how the last time I saw her, she was in a lot of pain. I wonder if she was alone when she died, if there was a nurse with her, if they gave her too much morphine on purpose so she would die faster. I wonder if she was thinking anything, if she could think at all. I wonder if she is watching me now. I wonder if she was right to worry about me as much as she did. I wonder if I'll ever be okay, if there's ever not a reason to worry.
I just hate it. I feel like there is less love in my little world. I feel like a doll with a broken stand, and now one of my legs is touching the floor. I feel like a dog without an owner, without someone to tell me what to do or encourage me. I feel like a sidekick without a superhero, especially when I'm at family events. I bring R to have someone to talk to, and she usually talks a lot about annoying things. It is helpful, but it's not the same.
I wonder if this hole that is in my heart will ever be filled. I wonder if there is anyone out there who will love me, who will listen to me, who will take me somewhere nice. Someone who will talk to me on the phone, no texting or e-mails. Someone who will hug me when I'm sad, who will remind me that I can indeed be a good person when I try. I want that person more than anything else in this world right now. More than a good job, more than my bills being paid, more than candy or a new episode of my favorite TV show. More than meeting my idol, more than a day at the beach or anything you could ever offer me. More than playing a sold out rock show at Lupo's. More than winning the Oscar for Best Score for some amazing Pixar movie. I just want that person. I worry that I might need them, and not be able to find them.
I worry that I am falling apart right now. I don't know what is holding me together. I don't know if it is obvious that I am falling apart. I don't know if anyone can see it, I think that if anyone could they would ignore it. They are all to busy with their lives, and it's wrong of me to place the blame totally on them. I suppose I should blame myself for not doing enough. I just don't know what to do.
I wish I could be everything that you wanted. I wish I could. I wish I could love you and give you everything.
I'm kind of weeping as I type this. I really need to try to cheer myself up. I swear, it gets harder and harder each time. Good night.-*Duck*
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