Everything is just messed up now. EVERYTHING. No one wants to do anything with me for this whole fucking week, and I just know that I'm going to be alone in this house, with these dogs. It just makes me so depressed, because I know that this is what my summer will be like. I just want to be put in a mental institution all summer, just so I have somewhere, and some messed up people to talk to.
I know I sound sad, but I wanted to write this down. I'm just angry, really. I'm just tired of a life that I know I can't get out of. I'll never be the sociable girl who is liked by most people. I'll never be the girl who has stuff to do most of the time. I'll never be who I want to be, no matter how hard I try, and I know that there is no reason to stay here, because no one is going to miss me.
I just want to get away from here, away from everyone. I just want to be with people who like me, I want to have a life I can't. I want to be the girl I can't be, and I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk to. I'm just depressed, and I don't want to be here. I must have said that a million times in the past few months, and I think it's true every time.
All of my life, I knew I was never normal, but I always hoped that mabye things would work out if I tried hard enough. They're not going to. Everyone said they would try to help, they'd be here, and no one really is. I just don't fit in here, and I never did, and now it's just more evident, as if I needed it shoved in my face by everyone else, which it was.
I want to get away from here, away from everyone, because I'm starting to resent them. They have people around them, and I don't, and it makes me mad to know that. It makes me resent them, and the fact that they almost never inculde me in their lives unless they want something, it shows me how much I mean to them.
I just want to get out of my own skin, because I hate it so much. I hate myself most of all, because I let this all happen, because if I had just fucking reached out, maybe someone would have cared, or maybe someone would be here right now, or at least want to be here. I never liked myself to begin with, and I don't think I ever will. I'm just angry at everyone and everything, mostly myself. I'm going to try to go away, don't ask me how. I need to try and get away from everyone, even me.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, Apr. 14, 2003@6:39 a.m.>>