I haven't updated my MySpace page and won't with pictures until at least November during Thanksgiving break, maybe even later. I might drop a class from school because it is stressing me out so bad, or I might drop a day of work next week. I have to transcribe Coltrane's solo on "On Green Dolphin Street" and am having a hard time with it. I'm fucking tone deaf and so far behind in my jazz classes because I'm not as advanced a player as the other guys. Dr. Stick doesn't like pandering to the lowest common denominator and I know that's me. I don't know what I am going to do with my life anymore.
I'm also having a problem with my ear infectiong as in it's not healing. My Dad is going to talk to my asshat doctor tomorrow but I doubt he will get me an appointment for tomorrow, which is the only day I can until Tuesday. I wish that I could just drill a damn hole in my eardrum so the fluid could come out. I'm fucking nineteen and getting as many ear infections as a baby would. I've looked up tons of sites, and they make it seem like only kids get ear infections. I'm so sick of my body being shit. I haven't gotten compliments on my looks in a while and I feel bad that I don't wear makeup or primp my hair in the morning. I am trying so hard to do good and I get nowhere.
I get so frustrated when I drive, I hate driving because people are such entitlement pricks and when you have a car they take advantage of it. My Dad nearly got hit in my car by a fucking Saturn that was all of a few inches longer than my car! Fucking seriously, it's like you have to be a retard to drive a Saturn, which is understandable, because something about paying $10,000 for a car tells me it can't be too good. I'm not about paying tons of money for cars, but I think it's best to get something in the middle so you know you're not getting shit, you know what I mean? I also notice no one with a Saturn has working lights, even though the dealer is about ten to fifteen minutes away from people around here. I want to never drive a car again someday, and just live in a city so I can take the subway or something. I don't care if it's smelly or not always safe, I could let them cavity search me now the way people drive.
I am just very frustrated, like I always am, in case you can't tell. I feel like I really need help from tons of people or else I'll never get anywhere in life. I just feel very lost, kind of like I always have, shunning help from the people who could give it to me. I'm thinking of giving up the clarinet, even though I don't want to, because I need some more time. I'm the girl who wanted to buy a trumpet with her extra money, too and I wanted to learn to play it and be okay. I want to buy a piano someday and find the most understanding guy in the whole entire unvierse, but I'm not sure he even exists. I just want someone to talk to and go places with, someone who understands me in some way. I would like a boyfriend, but I won't believe that's possible until I actually have one, even if someone from the future came and told me, I'd have to have one to believe it. I hate being one of those people who has no faith, it's really hard to think anything can happen.
I really have to go to bed. I wish the newscasters around here weren't so old, one of them just died. It seems like every year one of them dies and it's weird to watch someone when you're growing up and now they're dead. I still dream my Mom is alive, though usually she is attacking me, I'm not sure why. I'll listen to cds with dead people on them and not realize they're dead, or I'll really miss them and wish they weren't dead. I just have a hrad time dealing with everything I guess. I'm going to go to bed now. I really hate college, I wish I could take a semester off, but then I'd be screwed because I'd get ANOTHER ear infection. :( I feel so trapped these days.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005@10:57 p.m.>>