It seems like everything has been frustrating me lately. I remember when the principal talked to me the day of accident, he said I seemed down on myself, and I can honestly say that I am. I feel like everything that's been going on for so long now has been my fault. All my life, I've had assholes for friends. I swear, if you combined all the assholes in Coventry together, you would have a giant, black hole. I think Rhode Island itself is a black hole, because most people here seem to have hearts of stone. I don't have any friends, a job or anything and I seem to be so awful at human contact that I can't do anything.
If you're wondering what this is about, I'm just really angry right now. I'm sick of people never worrying about me when they should, or doing anything for me when they could. Everyone fucking knows how hard it is for me, and they just watch it happen. If they expect anything from me when things get better, they're living in a Wonderland. How could anyone not know how lonely I feel every weekend? How could anyone not wonder if it still hurts to have everyone who's ever promised you anything lie? It just makes me angry to know that my so called friends could care less about me. They don't call me or invite me anywhere and they're fucking immature when they try to be mature. They have sex and drink, thinking it makes them adult, but then give the silent treatment when they're mad at you. That seems like the opposite of adult to me, because being an adult means being responsible, and I can gaurantee most of you that if you read any diary on here written by an adult, you'll rarely hear about sex, drinking or the silent treatment in an average entry.
I'm not saying I'm adult in any way, but I'm sick of everyone else acting like they fucking are. Are any of them registering to vote now that most of them can for this year's election? No. I would, but I can't because my birthday is too close to the elections. They probably don't even know or care who's running for what, and I don't just mean the presidential race. Sure, there are some adult like teenagers that I know and I don't think Carbon tries to pass herself off as an adult, but I'm just tired of people my age being so fucking pretentious. We can't be nice, it all has to be based on class and what a person can offer you. It's never about whether they're never backstabbed you, or that they try to remember your birthday and do stuff for you, it's not like they don't try and call every now and then. No, it's about who can get the hottest boyfriend, the best car, drink the most and have the most sex. You know what? I fucking quit being a teenager. I don't know what I am, but I don't want to associated with such fucking jerks anymore. I'm sick of this damn life all being one big competition against one another. I only want friends and family who will love me and want to be around me. I don't want to be alone all the time like I am these days. I want people I can feel comfortable with and a job that I can do. I want a boyfriend who loves me and won't pressure me into anything I'm not ready for, someone who understands what morals are and how important it is to have them. I just want friends who aren't shallow and don't care about trivial stuff, but about having fun. Who aren't always talking about each other behind their backs, and who don't lie to me every day.
I don't know if that's too much too ask, but it seems like it is. I'm just angry at myself for not being able to achieve these standards. I'm also angry that I don't have the guts to tell my friends just how I feel and that they don't seem to get the picture, or they just can't tell me how they feel. It's very irritating and frustrating to have them as friends, because I feel like they're always lying, yet I want to believe them. I love the way they think nothing of me, too, because it just makes my blood boil, it if hasn't already. I can't wait until I get that Goddamn diploma, because I might just leave for the whole summer. I can't stand being around people anymore like that, who don't care about me and won't tell me why. Why can't things be simple anymore? Where have all the good people gone?
*Racecar*
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