I'm about to tell you something very interesting about myself, that most people, not even some of my friends, know. I do not look at my report card, ever. Every time I get it, fold it up and stick in my backpack, then leave it on the table for my Dad when I get home. I have been doing this since I was in elementary school, and no one has noticed it. I'm not exactly sure why I do it, but it's something I always do, not just with report cards, but with tests. It's not that I don't do well, as you might be able to tell from my transcript. Though I do have several theories as to why I don't like to look at the results of tests and report cards. First of all, I am the biggest perfectionist I know, but I know that I will never be perfect; I just refuse to admit that to myself. I also don't like to hear criticism, because I tend to take it either too lightly, or too heavily, depending on my mood. Probably the strangest reason is, I don't want to know what other people think of my abilities, because usually I develop a certain confidence in them, and I'm terrified it will be shattered.
My perfectionism has been something I have had all my life. I always have to tried to make things perfect, or my version of it, which is different from the norm. I used to try every single year, to have the perfect Christmas tree. I would drag my parents from store to store, and carefully pick out the best decently priced ornaments I could find. I try to be the perfect guitar player by playing every single day and cleaning my guitar as often as possible. Yet, this perfectionist streak is most notable in school. I have always felt like I have nothing to really offer as far as looks go, so I should try to become smart so that I can have something to offer to a guy in the future. I try to remember to study for all my tests and quizzes, rarely allowing myself to not do my homework to the best of my ability. I remember a time when I tried to ground myself in the fourth grade, because I was in danger of getting a C in Math, though I'm not sure what I really ended up with, of course. I don't like to look at my report card, or my tests, because I just know they're not perfect and that I would beat myself up for days over it if I knew it. I still beat myself up over my weight quite often and I tend to get angry with myself if I don't meet my own high standards.
I think almost anyone who has ever known me can attest to the fact that I don't like to hear criticism about myself. This probably goes along with my perfectionist streak, because it makes me realize how not perfect I really am. It also makes me feel stupid for making such an obvious mistake (or so it seems once it is pointed out to me). I also tend to take criticism the wrong way, and sometimes see it as a personal attack when it really is not. When I took driving lessons with a driving instructor from AAA, I sincerely thought the instructor hated me because he was always complaining about my inability to steer and even asked me if I was dyslexic. I did end up learning how to turn and doing quite good with him, but at the end of every lesson, I was usually near or at the point of crying. If someone tells me I made a mistake too lightly, I often brush it off or try to fix the mistake on my own, even if I don't know how. Many a time in Italian class my teacher has tried to correct my pronunciation, and I just pretend not to hear her and fumble with the words when I'm in my room where, hopefully, no one can hear me. I still do good, I just haven't learned how to take criticism properly, which is something they don't seem to teach in any school, even the best ones.
The main reason I never look at my report cards and tests is because I don't want to know what other people think of my abilities. Usually, I develop a feeling about my abilities, and what I'm good and not good at. I do that with other things as well, like the four hundred dollar Gibson electric guitar that my Dad got me for my birthday. I have somehow convinced myself that it's the best guitar ever, which I know it's not, but I wouldn't want anyone to tell me otherwise. I do tend to think I'm not as good at things as I am, though, I tend to think I'm horrible at math no matter what anyone says. Even if my Math teachers from the past four years thought I was great, which I don't think they do, I would still think I'm bad. Mostly, I don't want to know how other people see me and what they think of my abilities because I know it will affect the way I think of myself. I like to think of myself as a decent writer who can write a term paper in only a few hours. I don't want to read any of my English papers corrected, because I probably am not as good as I think I am. I feel that going into things with an overconfidence of some sort helps me do better, because I feel like I'm good, whether I am or not. I don't want some report card or test shattering the way I think, because I know that I could honestly never function the way I am right now if I found out I'm not so good at writing, or I really am good at math, both of which could possibly be true.
In conclusion, even though I do good in school, I don't like to read my report cards or tests. I don't want to know what other people think of my abilities, because I am worried that it will distort my view of my abilities, even though that itself is distorted. I never have been good at taking criticism, one of the many things I hope to learn before I die. I always take things either as very bad or very good, never as an in between thing, when most of the time, it is. I'm a total perfectionist, and I feel like I have to be the smartest person possible with the tools and skills that I have been given. For some reason, I honestly don't want to know that I'm not so great at things, and I know that I will never do completely perfect in all of my classes, both at high school and college. I know I will do good, but no matter how good I do, it will never be good enough for me. I have this voice inside of me that is always pushing me to keeping going, and it makes it so I am never satisfied with the way I am right now, I am always striving to become better. Therefore, I honestly know that no matter what is on my report card, even if it is straight As, I still have places where I can improve and need to improve. To me, it doesn't matter what it says on my report card, I can still do better, which is all that matters to me.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003@8:18 p.m.>>