Hello. How is everyone? Things have been weird lately. I figured out who Parmesan's girlfriend is, and I think this entry might just be solely about him, or at least mention him waaay too much, which I know will piss off someone (probably me). Friday night was not a good night for me. Varsity Review (the school talent show I wanted to try out for but was too lazy to) was that night, along with Saturday night. I actually could have gone both nights, but something happened that I didn't except to happen, which makes me realize how much I put myself in someone else's control (you're retarded if you don't know who it is).
Anyway, Dancer gave me a ride afterschool Friday, thank God, because poor Sheryl has bent tuning keys now, because of all the bus rides. I also realize I will soon be making a shrine to the Jetta, which I named Ike, since I know a girl who's car is named Mike (Mike and Ike are a candy I haven't had in ages!). Anyway, it took forever to get to my house, because Dancer kept going the wrong way. It seems like no one remembers where the construction is but me and I'm never the one driving. I also learned that my road is a detour, which is great because it wasn't meant to hold both a RIPTA bus and a car at the same time, since it's pretty narrow. Yet, everyday for a few weeks this will happen and my mailbox will keep getting hit by random cars.
Anyway, we were getting ready, along with Hydrogen to go to Varsity Review that night. I was kind of happy to see Parmesan, because he sat next to me in class earlier in the day. He even turned the pages of our stupid binder/books and he sneezed. It was so cute when he sneezed, because his whole head moved, though I didn't say anything because I never know what to say when someone sneezes. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm never quite sure what I believe in religously, and I'm always worried I might offend a person. When he turned the pages of the book, I could smell whatever cologne he wears. It smelled really nice, though I couldn't put my finger on it. The whole time he was there, I felt really warm, like I was on fire or something. I tried not to feel that way, and not to let him know I was looking at him. The whole time, I was not paying any attention to my guitar playing, so I really sucked. I came out of the class and into lunch feeling happy and energized.
Anyway, when we were at my house, Hydrogen and Dancer picked out an outfit for me that included a short skirt, a pink shirt that has a v neck (I hate v necks) and a pair of black high leather boots. I looked like a teenager hooker, and I don't like to admit it, either, because that's not who I am. The skirt was too short (about an inch above the knee) and it showed my underwear whenever I sat down. It came up at the butt, too, which I didn't realize until it was the end of the night. The shirt dipped too low, and so it kept showing my bra and too much of my boobs. The boots were what the poodle called hooker boots, and for once I think she was right. I felt like such a slut, and I was worried Parmesan would see me and think I was trying to get his attention using my lack of physical assets. I was also worried that anyone who saw me would think I was a slut, which I'm not, I swear.
Anyway, we then went to Hydrogen's and ate and did most nothing else. Hydrogen let me borrow the Coldplay cd I copied for her, though I'm not sure when I'll give it back, because I don't want to replace any more cds because I've spent too much money on it and my Dad said he was in debt tonight and I know it's my fault. I also know that was a really dumb run on sentence. I didn't eat much at Hydrogen's. I honestly don't like the food she has at her house, it's all healthy. Like peanut butter flavored rice cakes, tapicoa pudding, pommegrante seeds, wheat bread and hot dogs that looked very creepy to say the least.
We then went to Varsity Revue, though I did stock up on candy before we went there, and ate it before intermission. The acts were decent. My favorite was this kid who sang and played guitar on the Goo Goo Dolls song "Name". Carbon would have loved it, and it was sweet that he dedicated it to his Dad, who had a stroke the week before. I felt bad for the kid and that, combined with the song, made me sad. It also made me want to pull out Stuart again, because I've been ignoring him so much since I got Sheryl. Even if he's just a Chinese Fender, he's my first guitar and nothing could take that away from him. I know that's a weird way to talk about an inanimate object. I'm starting to finally learn from other people, though.
Anyway, I kept seeing Parmesan, who was in both jazz band and select chorus as well as his band. The band played before the intermission, and this is where I lost it. The first song was one we had heard in the preview show that day. Ordinary punk rock type music, normal for Welfare Town (I have to wonder why no one ever complains about that, and why no one ever wants to make different music). The second one got me crying before I even heard it. He dedicated it to his girlfriend, and it was really sweet. It was about a day on the beach with his girlfriend and I honestly don't remember most of the lyrics. All I know is, it just got me thinking and got me really sad.
I've never kissed a guy and I don't know if I ever will. No guy seems to see me as a girl, let alone a pretty one that you could love. He just seemed to think she was so beautiful, and part of me worries that no one will think that way of me, ever. I was also jealous of her, to have such a handsome and loving guy, who I happened to like and am desperately trying not to. I went outside during the intermission, thinking it would be rude to run off in the middle of a song and not wanting anyone to suspect anything, though I'm sure Dancer's uncle had to wonder what the heck was going on. I went outside and called my Dad, and he picked me up.
I told him the whole story, because he didn't even know about Parmesan, because since he's a guy, I can't really talk to him about guys. I kind of hate not having another girl to talk to about this kind of stuff. I mean someone who is an adult who isn't racist (Grandma) or creepy (my aunts). It kind of makes me worry whether I'll make a good woman or not, since I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be like.
I went home and did nothing but sleep, which was also what I did today. I haven't hung out with Carbon in a while and I'm not sure why. I called three times and left a message once, but no one picked up the phone. I don't know if she's mad at me or if she just can't hear the phone or what. I just know that I don't feel close to her anymore and when I'm not close to her, I'm not really close to anyone because there isn't anyone else except my Dad. Anyone randomly reading this must think I'm a lesbian. I'm not close to anyone really, and I just want to move somewhere else in the hope that people are different, that I'll be different and things will be so much better. It sucks staying home all the time and not having anyone to talk to. I'm wondering if Ike will do anything to change that, I think he will, though I'm not sure if it will be good or not. I don't care, right now, change is change, because things have been like this for a year, which has felt like forever, or does on those neverending Saturdays and Sundays when it seems like people would rather rot in Hell than associate with me.
I guess I might be depressed or maybe it's just a thing. I don't feel like taking Effexor anymore, because I don't think it does anything except give me three huge pills to swallow. In other news, my perscription for my glasses didn't change this year, so I get to get sunglasses, which I sorely need if I'm going to do driving, even in the winter, with the snow and all. Every girl in my school is swooning over my second cousin who doesn't know I'm his second cousin, probably because I haven't seen him since my mom died. He wasn't even at the funeral, now that I recall. I used to think he was cute, until I realized he was my second cousin, I don't care if it's legal, it still sounds wrong.
Stuart is calling for me to play him, at least, he would be if he could talk. I think I might attempt to put the acoustic strings on him someday, because his current ones are awfully copper like, if that's a way to describe it. I don't know how to say it, but those strings just don't feel good under my fingers, and I'm not used to barring such thick strings. I really need to get used to Stuart again, because Dancer wants me to accompany her while she plays her birthday song. I'm quite happy that someone has actually asked me to attempt to play and write something on my own! It gives me a chance to see if I have any talent. I also realized that my guitar book was right (not the one I learn from, the one with odd picture of guitars, the book you didn't know I had). It said that American guitar players tend to focus on technique, while British ones focus on feeling. Basically, when you play, you have to play like you mean it. I think it's true for all music, you have to know the feeling you're singing about, or playing about,etc. You have to like what you're doing. I don't know how to explain it, but I think if you just read the one line that's up there about playing with feeling and not this garbage, you'll get it. I'm off to attempt this now. Bye.
*Racecar*
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