I have to update my gold membership, I think I might tonight and then give my Dad the money either next week or the week after. I'm not sure when it runs out, I think it runs out on Thursday, so I have to this week, or maybe it runs out next week, which would be better for me. Does anyone watch The Office? I mean the one that's on NBC, though I'm going to try and watch the BBC one over the summer because hopefully I will have more time on my hands than I do now. I actually like the one on NBC, too, I just never have time to watch that. I loved the way that one of the guys on the show compared basketball to jazz and said it's all on the downbeat. Honestly, jazz is not like that, it's syncopated, which means that the accents fall on the weak beats, like the "ands" of the beat, mostly.
Today was a okay day. I feel very overwhelmed in Jazz Ensemble with all the stuff that he wants me to do. I should play chords like a real jazz player would and to try and improvise with different rhythms, which I also suck at. I just feel overwhemled, because I have so much to work on and I don't really know how to go about working on it. Not only that, but I also have to start getting ready to play the student recital, since mine is a week away and I have to play my songs well so that I do good on the jury as well. I am so embarassed about the songs that I am playing for both the student recital and jury (they're the same songs) they are so easy that it makes me feel stupid. I really want to challenge myself as a player over the summer and become more familiar with both syncopation and different positions on the guitar. I also want to learn how to comp properly and improvise the way that a real jazz player would.
My Grandma told me that she would start giving me money for gas at the end of the month and that all I have to do is work hard at my job. If I can learn to manage my stress at work, I think I will be okay, it is just my stress that is driving me crazy. It's not just from work, it's from school, too. I have no idea how to deal with it, either. I think I will really try to catch up on some sleep during the few days I will be not going to school between the end of the spring semester and the beginning of the first summer one. I just really need a day of just sleeping in my bed and not having to go anywhere. I am also going to try and move my guitar lessons from Saturdays to Wednesdays and I'm going to call my teacher tomorrow and try to reschedule, hopefully starting next week, because I am probably not going to be working Wednesdays for a while, though I know I have to work the fourth of May because we have to put out a bunch of fucking tags. I never thought I would say this, but I honestly miss high school and I really feel very alone, more so that I have felt in quite a while. I would give up most of the stuff that I have just so I could be happy for longer than a day or two.
I'm sorry if I sound so bummed out, part of me is happy, part of me is worried and part of me is just really sad. Nothing seems to turn out the way I want, and it just sucks. I'm going to be kicking myself in the ass for not going to a good four year college, and I have no idea if I should even be doing music, because what if I am no good, and what if I will never be good? I just worry that because it is not in my blood (though it seems like nothing good is) I can't be good at it. Do you know what I mean? It seems like so many musicians have music in their blood, it makes me feel like to be one, I have to have it in my blood as well, and because I don't I'm just faking.
I'm just so bummed out about the way my life is right now. I feel like I have no fucking social life and that I can't. I'm just really angry, I want to go out and have fun, and every single fucking concert that I want to go to I can't, because I'm fucking working four nights in a row, three of those nights are big nights for concerts. I bought tickets to a Ted Leo and the Pharmacists concert because I honestly wanted to fucking go. I'm going to tell my boss that I am not going to be able to come in on Thursday nights anymore starting the 12th, which is the night of the concert, because after that, I have an English class from six to nine every Thursday night and on Tuesday nights as well. I'm just irritated about not having a social life, or even enough damn sleep. If I seem really irritable lately, that's why.
I also don't get how people can't sleep at night, because I feel like I can never get enough sleep. I wish it was a transferable thing, because then I could give my excess tiredness to everybody else and I would be more awake and everyone could get enough sleep. I wish there was a way they could make that happen, or some way to double the energy you get out of sleep so you would need less.
Does anyone else think dermatologists are the stupidest doctors? I don't want to go to one, so I'm getting that wart freeze off stuff, because I feel like twenty dollars are spent either way, but it probably won't take three hours just to get to the freeze off stuff. Does anyone know if it works on stuff that may/may not be a wart? I don't like the dermatologist on my health plan because he kept giving me the same types of medicine for acne for two years, and all it did was dry out my skin and make it peel. My skin actually was worse when I saw him than it is now, and the pimples went away after I starting using the patch, so it was a hormonal thing the whole time.
We did Olympics in Sight Singing today and I actually think I helped my group to tie with the group that was in the lead, which made me proud, though no one said anything, so maybe it wasn't me. I think most of my classes are winding down and I shouldn't have much trouble getting through the next two weeks, though I am worried about the performances we have to do for Jazz Ensemble and for the jury as well. I really wish I could take a break from school, just to let my stress levels go down, because I wouldn't be suprised if I start losing hair or getting fat, or the million other things that happen when a person is really stressed out. I honestly feel really stressed out right now.
I'm going to go to bed now, because that seems to be the only thing I truly look forward to, though I am excited about the Ted Leo concert and I'm worried about The Shins one that is on Thursday, though if I didn't have to call out of work that day, I bet I would be excited. I really just want the semester to end and to have a decent summer. I want things to cool down for a while and I want to get some more sleep and work on my music so I can be the musician I want to be, though often times I worry that I am just doing all of this to make someone proud of me, because there is a person I have always wanted to be proud of me because I'm weird. By the way, is it normal for someone like me to want a Mom? I know I'm eighteen, so that really makes me an adult, but is it normal for me to want a Mom? I don't want my Mom to come back, I want someone else to be my Mom, not a specific person, but just anyone really. I worry that is not normal, so if someone could give me their opion that would be good, I want to know if that means I've gone really crazy. Also, I haven't read The Da Vinci Code yet, but if you want Meg, I can read it over the summer. I know it has to do with religion, which is something I am confused about, because my Mom's side are faux Catholic (they act the part, but they never go to church or actually try and be kind and such) and my Dad's side are devout Baptists, who actually are kind to others, but are kind of boring as well. They're also a little creepy, but that could be because I do not know them very well. I honestly don't know what to think about religion, because I know a few people, mostly friends, who are atheists and I really do not like the Catholic church's stance on many things, like birth control (duh) and gay marriage. I don't get why we consider ourselves so advanced when all people aren't given equal rights, though maybe that make sense only to me. I'll write more later. Bye!
*Racecar*
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