I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I got to school early today, so I have some time before my 12:30 class, considering they haven't even opened the doors yet.
I've been having a crappy past two weeks. I keep hearing people say that 2008 is going to be a better year than 2007, but I haven't seen it yet. Still, I was looking through my old e-mails today, deleting them, and I realized how much I really did lose last year. I lost 3 friends, all of them for good. The one that hurt the most was Katie. I had really hoped that if one of us found a boyfriend, the other would, too. I also thought that I would find a boyfriend first, which is of course, wrong. I feel stupid for thinking that, but I am really used to being wrong these days.
Then there is Tristan, who I haven't heard from since October. I don't think he wants anything to do with me after how upset I got. I feel like I really did love him, I even tried to grow up for him, I haven't done that for anyone. Still, I know he will never believe me.
I don't miss Rick as a friend because he was just a jerk most of the time and other times I felt like he thought I was really weird. Still, the stuff he said really hurt me and I didn't think it was right. He also lied to me and it really pissed me off.
I know that today is going to be a crappy day. My guitar teacher, who has actually been playing two years LESS than I have, is going to be playing in my class. I hate having lessons with him because he makes me feel like I'm just learning to play guitar. I don't want to take lessons with him, I don't want to be in the prep program, it's mostly for little kids and adults just learning to play an instrument. I feel like playing for over five years kind of takes me out of that.
Then there is my 18th Century Counterpoint class, which the teacher doesn't want me in anymore. It's a class for my major and I'm doing bad. So bad, that she hasn't given me the homework I handed in last week and I know why. I did really bad, so she wants to humiliate me by going over it with me and making me feel really stupid in comparison to everyone else in the class. It's an internet class, which is honestly why I have been having so many problems with it. It's very hard to remember to do homework and stuff if you don't go to class, or have a syllabus. I forgot about a few assignments and did them all last Friday night. I was really hoping she would give me my homework back so I could resubmit the one that was due last week, because I did that one at one in the morning. She allows us to resubmit assignments within a week after we hand them in. If she gives it back to me tomorrow, I will have about twelve hours to fix it.
I just feel crappy, like maybe music isn't what I should be doing (how many times have I thought that?). I don't know what else I would want to do with my life. I want to be creative, it makes me happy and I love creative people. I just always feel like I am not good enough, like I am not one of them. I feel so out of place here, and so stupid. I don't know when I'll write again, I've been so busy and it's only going to get worse, as my guitar teacher (the one who is older than me) said. *sigh*-Kate
<< Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008@12:09 p.m.>>