So, I finally got an answer to why Carbon doesn't want to go to the concert, or hang out with me in general, and it turns out it was something I did, too. Did she tell me it bothered her? No. Am I mad at her? Yes, very. I need to talk to her, but because it's her birthday, I'm not going to try to ruin it for her, she's ashamed to talk to me anyway.
It turns out that when I had a panic attack at the Good Charlotte concert (back in late October) she was embarassed. I was nervous because I couldn't find my Dad and I didn't like having to stand in line with her and get fondled by girls I didn't even know. I don't like small spaces filled with too many people. I don't like being touched, not even by someone I've known for a long time. I regularly flinch when I'm hugged. I just got really nervous, and I was mad because she wouldn't help me find my Dad.
So, that's why she doesn't want anything to do with me outside of school. I'm sure that the incident not too long after with Boron at the mall just made things worse. It pisses me off that she doesn't tell me this, that she knows I have this problem and I'm trying to work on it. I thought that she understood, and either she doesn't and she lied, or she does but chooses to not be around me. I don't think she'll want to be around me even when I talk to her.
I don't think she understands that it hurts, too. You know, it's not easy losing every fucking friend you've ever had because you have a problem you can't control well and don't understand. It hurts like hell and I've never had someone who cared about be, probably because of this. I don't have anyone who loves me enough to understand and see past my problem and I'm not sure if I ever will, which is what scares me. I'm sorry I'm like this, you don't know how sorry I could possibly be and am. I am mad that you can't just change the way you see things, though.
I've been crying on and off ever since I heard it. I talked to a lady in guidance and the sub for Instrumental. I even talked to my English teacher, because I was crying after lunch. I feel bad that I'm always in her class crying, she must think I'm really weird. I think I'm going to have to apologize to a great deal of people in that school who think I'm crazy because of this. If only I could find a friend who would stick by me and tell me the truth when I need to know it.
This stuff just seems to happen like there's no tomorrow. First the car and now this. Why can't something good happen? Why can't I find someone who will see past this? Am I destined to lose people like a flower losing petals? Even if things were sorted out, I don't think I see any of my friends the same. I know now that they all don't get it, they don't care to, they never will and that I don't mean anything to them except free concert tickets and a ride. I seriously don't think that any of them feeling any regret for harboring this from me and never wanting to be around me. I only wish that I could make them feel my pain, so they would know that this is not friendship and I don't want a part of it anymore. I prefer life as a loner. I can't betray myself.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, Mar. 15, 2004@2:58 p.m.>>