That song "After All" by Sondre Lerche makes me think of the guy I like at school. I see him pretty much everyday, since we're in the same major, though he is a double major. I do need some kind of nickname for him. I mean, there is a chance that he could stumble upon this, but it's not linked from my Facebook. I don't think I mention it on there and I don't mention it on my MySpace anymore, either. My Facebook doesn't link to my MySpace either, so I'm kind of scattered across the internet, which is good, because that's not how it used to be. You used to be able to find this page from my MySpace, which led to a few people finding out things I didn't want them to.
Anyway, I just can't get the courage to talk to this guy. There's just so much about liking someone like this that bothers me. I mean, I could talk to him whenever, really. I know his e-mail, so I could e-mail him, I know his Facebook, I could leave a note there. We're friends on Facebook actually, so if anyone knows my Facebook, he is on there.
I don't know, it's just a bunch of stupid stuff that bothers me. I mean, I'm worried I'll say something stupid and he won't like me, or he'll get mad at me. Then, things will be awkward between us for the next two years. Or maybe he'll regain his trust in me after a while, and I'll start caring about him again and manage to fuck everything up once more. I think we all now when that happened.
I'm also worried that I'm not good enough. I mean, I'm odd, I'm not that attractive, I don't have a lot of friends. There's just so many reasons that he could reject me, and I worry that he won't be able to see the good. Or maybe he just won't want to, or won't bother to.
I have confidence issues when it comes to guys. I've never had a guy like me who I liked, and I've never had a guy do anything for me, like buy me flowers or anything. I'm kind of tired of being the one who makes all the moves, too. I feel like the guy in things, especially when it comes to guys. I mean, he does talk to me every now and then, so it really isn't that bad. I should do stuff to show that I care about him, or that I would at least like to be friends with him. If I see him tomorrow, I'm going to try and talk to him, since I'll probably have the time to do so.
I don't know, I'm just worried. I want a boyfriend, but I always worry that I'm not ready, or that my heart will get broken. It's not like it's ever started before. I've had many times in my life where I've felt the way I feel now. Like something was going to happen, like the guy I liked cared for me, too, and he was just waiting for the right time to ask me out. It never happened that way though, and I sometimes think it never will. I can't fully trust how I feel right now, because I've felt this way before, and if it doesn't happen, then I'll have felt this way for nothing.
I just need some advice, some ideas on what I could do. I think there might be a girl he likes who isn't me. I kind of feel like I have to talk to him more often, but I don't want to let him know how I feel. I don't want to make things awkward, or mess things up between us. I don't think there is anything between us now, but I don't want to ruin a possible friendship all because I saw something that wasn't there.
I feel like my life will be spent writing entries like this, and not actually being in love. I mean, this isn't love, it's just some one way infatuation. I've felt this way before, and what if he isn't different? What if he is? I mean, he doesn't seem to be the pretty boy type, more like a nerd, more on my level. I wish I was friends with someone who knew both of us, someone who could tell me what they thought objectively. I know a girl who knows him and me, but I'm not sure how well she knows him, and I don't know if I would feel comfortable asking her about him, or for advice in general. If anyone knows what I should do, let me know, because I'm kind of confused. I don't want to make the wrong move, but I don't want to just stay where I am, either.-*Racecar*
<< Monday, Sept. 15, 2008@4:21 p.m.>>