Seems like the whole damn world is chaning for the worse. School was okay, but going to the bank was a bitch because the whole town is being ripped up and no one wanted to let me go. I got mad and some little bitch in her car was laughing at me. My cousin is planning getting married and I still haven't had my first kiss. My Dad told me on Sunday night that he doesn't think I'll get into Berklee, that the music world is very competitive and I probably wouldn't do good.
I just feel like shit today, the fourth anniversary of my Mother's death, which my Grandma didn't even mention it. She says that when things are ready to change, they'll change. I was ready four years ago for things to change, but it seems like nothing is ready to change for me. It seems like so many people I know are living in holes, just trapped. They keep dreaming but where are they going? Nowhere, just like me. I feel trapped by my own dream and I'm thinking of letting it go so I don't have to do anything.
I called about some jobs around school. One of them is in the morning, which I think would be nice, it's fixing computers (simple stuff) and dusting the equipment in the classrooms, which I think would be easy. I think it would be cool because I have experience with PCs and Macs, which I don't think all kids my age have, and I know lots of CCRI kids are Dell freaks.
Still, I'm not sure if they'll let me do it with my school hours and I'm just not happy right now. I feel so alone and it just makes me feel like no one cares about me because no one ever offers to take me out to dinner or come over and make dinner with me. It's hard to eat for one for four years and not have family meals. I want a stepmom but my Dad doesn't want to date and he's not very good looking either. He doesn't even take care of himself very well, either and it's bothering me.
Ever since my Mom died, I have had bad luck every September fifth and today has been no acception. I'm thinking of quitting music and just going to NYU so I can be in a big city where people are unique and I'll sell my car to get money, since I've put so much into it. I think my Dad would give me some money for it, but if not I'll just sell it on my own. It's pretty much one of a kind and is in good condition. I just don't feel like living this way for much longer, it's wearing on me emotionally and I feel like no one sees it or cares. I really love music and it's helped me through so many tough times, I thought it was some kind of sign that it was something I was meant to do. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything since I started playing. I'm really at the point in my life where I don't care about school. I want companionship so badly, some friends who are at my level, I feel like so many of them have been above or below me and they never have similar interests. It's frustrated to have every friend you've had be someone who doesn't like what you like.
I'm just bummed out today. I'm going to try and get my college application ready on Thursday so I can leave after the winter break ends. I think this is the best choice, really. I can't stay here and I need to meet new people and experience life for once. I'm just mad that I've wasted all this time on something I truly love just to see others end up taking these easy way out and finding happiness. I'm so tired of fighting for what I love and believe in, I'd rather do anything else. I have to admit that I wish I was never born and I sometimes think that life would be better for everyone if I wasn't. I really wish I could go out to dinner tonight, but I don't have the money and my Dad gets out too late. I'm just really angry at myself for the choices I have made in these past four years, because they just feel like all the wrong ones right now. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Tuesday, Sept. 05, 2006@3:30 p.m.>>