Will I ever get any e-mail that I actually want to recieve? Probably not. I'm getting rid of my Yahoo account, not that anyone e-mails me anyway.
I'm just having one of those times when I wish I was old enough to drink and do drugs. I'm fucking tired of living like a God damn nun. I'm mad that every fucking bitch in the whole world got has nice slippers and I have to fucking walk around with a damn broken toe that will NEVER heal.
I don't like going shopping with my Grandma, I hate eyeliner, I hate Fall Out Boy, they suck fucking ass and everyone knows it, but you're all too fucking brainwashed to care. Also, ninety percent of pop punk bands suck and they all sound like either Green Day or Weezer and that sucks, too. Why can't anyone be original anymore? Why isn't there a cute crazy guy for me? Why do I never have anyone to kiss on New Year's Eve?
I fucking hate eyeliner too, and makeup in general. Is my face so ugly that I always have to cover it up no matter where I go? Are bags under my eyes the end of me? Why would Amazon lie about having nice slippers in stock? Is there anyone nice out there for me, a nice friend, a nice boyfriend, someone? I feel like there isn't.
Will I just be like that guy at the coffee shop? Everyone just talks to me because they pity me, not because they really like me? Can't someone or something please fix me and make me great? I want to be tall and busty so that it's easier to buy things. All jeans come in regular and I always see D cup bras at every store, no one thinks you're weird when you ask for those. When I tell the my size, they ask me if I'm telling the truth.
Why do I have to have the same shoe size as every fucking woman, even though I don't feel like a woman in any way except my ugly body? I am just so angry with myself for always coming up short and I am so behind in life. I'm nineteen and I still don't have anyone I can call a best friend and I have no idea what the hell I am doing.
I can't go away to college because of my mental problem, and I would kill for a woman to shop with me. I want to get plastic surgery to fix the big dark circles under my eyes. I don't like Family Guy very much at all and I think Futurama is a million times better, but the majority never seems right anymore, then again, when were they?
Sitting in front of a fucking Apple because I'm too different to like a PC. The idea that Volkswagen changed the Jetta so much upset me, but you damn well know that no other nineteen year old girls were upset by it. My favorite show is Arrested Development, but I don't know anyone who watches it and no one will watch it because I like it. It sucks having no influence over anyone.
I wish I could stop worrying what people think of me, stop being so insecure. I wish I could hang onto a group of normal friends for the rest of my life and live in a nice apartment with no mold and a place to keep my car at night. I am afraid that some morning I will wake up and my car will be smashed up and the cops won't care. Allstate will total it and I'll be driving a fucking Pontiac Sunfire like every stupid bitch in RI. I'll STILL have to deal with the asshats at Fiore, too.
I hate being different, you never have anyone you can truly relate to, you never have as many options as most people. So many doors are closed because of the things that I like, there are so many people I can't get along with, as if that list wasn't already long enough. There are so many things I want that I will never get to even see, and that makes me feel worthless. The way that no one outside of my family wants to invest any time or energy in to being a part of my life makes me wonder if I am worth it. I feel like I have never been worth it. I just want people I can relate to, who I can talk to without being self concsious. I hate having to drag my Dad to concerts, I hate having to go shopping with my Grandma, I hate having no one to go to the movies with, no one who understands how depressing it can be to have pity friends who abadon you when they tire of you. To not be able to be yourself and tell people you have anxiety and depression because you know they will leave you the minute you say the words. People think that you should deal with their problems, but no one ever wants to deal with other people's problems anymore, if they ever did. I wish I was not a human being because it is making me sick.
I don't even fucking like slippers, I like walking barefoot, but that's socially unacceptable these days. I don't like the way men wear eyeliner these days, or facial hair in any form, if I have to shave everyday, guys should have to, too. I also have a deep hatred of mascara and the idea that women kill small animals for their fucking eyelashes. You women make me sick, and the ones who have five kids they can't control and take them all shopping, yes, I want your child fucking up the sweaters I wanted to look at. Anybody can have a baby, you know, it doesn't actually make you a special person. To SUV people, you're not better than me just because you have some big piece of shit and live in a shithole that was built in a month by God knows who. I at least know who built my house and that it is not a rubber stamp of the houses next door. I hate SUVs and the people who drive them because they are worthless pigs. I also think that there is no reason for SUVs and I feel ashamed that I even drive a car the runs on gas instead of something abundant like hydrogen.
I hate wearing glasses and I wish I could get laser eye surgery, I've wanted it since the day I found out I needed glasses. I always wished I had long blonde straight hair, I even wouldn't mind getting those expensive treatments that straighten your hair for six months. Why anyone still likes Madonna is beyond me, I seriously think she should be long gone by now. I'm so tired but I can't sleep at night, my mind just runs all over the place and I get upset over the stupidest stuff, like Amazon lying to me about having slippers in stock. I will never shop for anything from those assholes ever again.
I just wish I could change so I could settle for the nasty guys with facial hair at Wal Mart that gawk at me, and they'd get me stupid shit I don't like for Christmas. Why can't I be happy with $5 slippers? I hate blooper shows, they're never funny. I'm going to go look on eBay for slippers now, but they probably won't have them either. I wish I was a stupid bitch with a stupid boyfriend because he would have gotten them for me. I'm sure slutty me is enjoying them in the alternate dimension and is writing in her nice handwriting in her paper journal, because her hand doesn't turn red and she doesn't hold the pen too tight in her hands. I do of course, so I hate writing by hand, though I wish I could do it the right way and more often. I'm sure no one has read down this far. Bye.
*Racecar*
P.S.-I like Toy Story 2, it made me cry, why I like to cry I don't know, I just know I do it too much and too easily.
<< Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005@11:16 p.m.>>