It's been just a weird day. I don't know how much more weird it could get. Today was the day yearbooks went on sale, and I got one, too. I didn't get it the way I wanted, though. I waited in line before school for one, and they were supposedly only giving them to seniors. A bunch of people cut in front of me, though including this bitch who ordered her book. Anyway, they had finished with all the seniors, because they'd all gone to the front of the line (which I didn't consider cutting). Then, everyone else got them.
Yet, when the bitch in front of me told the librarian she ordered hers, the librarian took a while to find it. When she finally found it, she said "Seniors only!" guess who was in the front of that line? Me. She had given books to SOPHOMORES! I knew a girl in my math class that she gave one to. I just felt like it was totally against me. I shouted "What the hell!" and left. I'm pretty sure she heard me, too, but she didn't say anything. I even bitched about it in homeroom. I went to the library first lunch and got it, so I don't know why it bothered me.
I just feel like I don't mean anything to anyone in that school. I sometimes feel like I've been shortchanged in life. I went to second period really angry still, because I had study first period, and nothing to do, but of course, there were sophomores with yearbooks! Anyway, I went to class, and Guy 10 asked me if anything was wrong, and I said no. This guy is usually the most pompus ass around, but today he was saying all nice stuff in Chemistry, which was the period after that. I have to admit, it made me blush, but I know it was just because he knew I was having a bad day and probably didn't want to piss me off. I kind of slammed the door in second period, but that door attempted to crack my glasses, and I couldn't see much without them.
First period was the worst, though, because I cried a ton, and I saw the guy I like (or thought I saw him) signing in late in student management. Yet, he wasn't in the hallway where I usually pass him. I don't know why, but something tells me he's trying to avoid me, especially the way he never stays after anymore, or when he does, he's holed up in the music room, and I've only been in there three times. I think I might just give up on him, and any other guy around here. I realize that I have a not good reputation of being a bit of a spaz, and I really don't want that. I want a guy to love me, and I don't want him to think I'm like that, or be afraid of me. I just know that that's how he feels, because I'm sure he, like everyone else has heard the rumors. He probably thinks that I'm out to get him or that I'll be fresh to him. I don't think he could ever understand me the way I need him to, and vice versa.
I talked a bit to FiFi at lunch, and she seemed to make a point of turning this German exchange student's book to the page with his picture on it. He looked different in it, he was holding a black Stratocaster, and he was wearing his glasses, which is unusual for him now, and a plaid shirt. I don't think I'd ever seen him wear plaid before. I just couldn't imagine a guy like him, tall with dark brown eyes, black hair and his tannish skin, standing next to a short, horridly white, kind of round, curly haired girl who wears her glasses in her sleep sometimes. I would honestly have to show you what both of us looked like for you to fully understand. I just think that there's something about him that's so dark, deep, and beautiful, and I'm just so white, light and clumsy looking.We're like day and night, and when have you seen day and night together? I wrote a poem trying to explain both sides, but it's kind of disjointed. Since no one reads this, it doesn't matter. Here it is:
I look for you all over
Wishing to meet my eyes with yours
I'd do anything for you
But I scare you
You don't feel the same
You wonder why I'm always near
You'd rather I be far.
I wish I could change myself
Be the perfect girl for you.
But my soul's full of holes.
And my heart's grown bitter
I'm no heavenly creature.
Why isn't love and devotion enough?
What did I do,
To deserve this from you?
I'm sorry I love you.
It's more of a literal apology to him, that last line. It's not that I'm sorry for loving him, but I'm sorry that I love him and it makes him feel bad. I really wish I didn't, you don't know how awful I feel, because I swear he knows, and doesn't like it. I think he's avoiding me in the hallways due to it. Here I was, wanting to tell him how I feel, when it's no real use. I shouldn't have let on to how I feel, or looked at him so much. I don't think it would've worked, but it would be nice to be nieve and pretend it would until he's gone.
I talked with FiFi's German friend, and she told me that I'm not ugly, because FiFi showed me this giant picture of me in Science Club, I can only imagine what he would think. I just hope he flips over that page, or that it's missing. I really wish I just didn't care! Stupid Racecar! I just don't feel pretty or too proud of myself for anything. I always feel like there's so much I should and could be doing to be better as a whole, but I haven't even tried. I'll write more later, I should work out now.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003@4:53 p.m.>>