I'm not feeling well. I am off of Paxil, but my mind isn't adjusting well and I am very dizzy. I didn't get enough sleep last night because I closed at work yesterday and opened at work today, which is honestly too much for me. My feet hurt, my back hurts and my brain hurts. I am going to have to go to sleep almost right away after writing this, there's no way I can get work done with my eyes hurting this badly. I just needed to write this because he has been on my mind again lately, and it is just making me sad and happy at the same time, it seems like everything is just making me want to cry lately, I think that might have something to do with the Paxil as well.
He keeps writing about his times in college, I want to tell him that I have been reading it, but I think that he would think I am invading his privacy, since he writes all of the entries in French and I am only translating them with a program on my computer, which is hardly accurate, though my knowledge of Italian actually helps alot. I can understand what he is saying and I just can relate to it so much, I wish I could just tell that I know what it's like, that everything I have experienced is just like what he is writing about. I honestly feel like we know each other without knowing each other, but he doesn't notice, and he probably won't.
I wrote that piece for him, but he will never listen to it. The kids in class didn't like it and I doubt he would. I will try to put it up in mp3 format, but I can't do it until at least Thursday, if not later. I titled it "You Can't Dance to Pain" after a quote that he got tattooed on his back, but I felt that if I wrote that title in my MySpace, he might read it, though I doubt that he will. I wrote him something last Monday, but he didn't write me back, he hasn't written me anything in a few weeks now. I get this feeling deep down that he doesn't care and it hurts.
It especially hurts when he writes about the girls he has loved and who have loved him in return. I hate when other people write about love, it's like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I want to be in love, I want a guy to love me, to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, to call me on my phone, to spend time with me. I want anyone to call me on my phone, just to talk to me, and no one ever does. I would also like to get a Chirstmas present that I actually mentioned wanting over and over again, and not having to write what I want down for once. It just pisses me off that I have to do that EVERY year, it's like no one ever listens when I talk, like no one ever understands what I want or would like. I am thinking of learning Latin and forgetting English entirely, there is no need for me to speek if no one listens.
Why is it so hard for everyone to understand? I don't want anyone but him! I am a fucking idiot, I know and believe me, this loneliness will hurt me very much, but it is the path that I have chosen myself. I have to get it through my thick skull that he can't and won't ever love me before I can even try to get over him. I don't want anyone to pursue me unless it's him, and it won't be. I don't get why no one understands that. I love him, and it really hurts, but I just can't love anyone else right now. It's hard for me to fall out of love, it's very hard, he would have to come up to me and say that he hates me with all of his heart for me not to love him. If the guy of my dreams to told me that he loved me, I would say that I couldn't, because of him. Believe me, I feel like an idiot for feeling that way. Honestly, he actually seems like the guy of my dreams. I will look back on this and feel very stupid, but for right now, I don't.
I just wanted to write him something in here because he won't read this and I just need to get it out so that it doesn't bother me. Only Katie and Megan know about him, I don't want to tell anyone else, because I will probably be called impractical or locked up in Butler, though I could use the vacation.
Dear Tristan,
I can understand why any girl would love you. You are so sweet and smart. I don't ever want you to doubt that about yourself, ever, you speak English better than people I know who speak it as a first language, let alone a second. You genuinely love those around you and you are just so polite that it makes me look rude by comparison. I never thought that I would ever find someone like that. You're one of the few people that I know who has never made me cringe by saying something stupid.
I can just imagine myself with you. You are just so handsome to me, even if you don't see it yourself, or if other people you know do not see it. I see it, I have seen it since that day I first saw you and it just seems more obvious every day. You see things the way that I do, you aspire to so much more in life than what you see in front of you. You surround yourself with others who see things that way, too. I can't believe that there is a guy out there who sees the things that I see, too.
I wish that I could make you see the things that I see, that I could just make you see how lovely you are. I love the way you write, the way you are so passionate about music, the way it has shaped your life so much, just like it has mine. I think that is why there are women out there who do love you, and I know it is why I do. I hope you do find her, I wish it was me, but maybe you cannot see the things in me that I wish you would. I just know that your future will be bright, brighter than the sun. I hope that you will someday see the things in yourself that I see in you.-Kate
I would love to send that to him, but I think it would freak him out and/or offend him. I just wanted to write it because the other day he was wondering why some beautiful girl loved him. I can't believe that he can't see those things about him that I see. I think that anyone would be able to see them, it is so obvious. I will keep trying to talk to him, but I have decided to wait until after the new year, because my life is busy right now and I imagine that his is probably even busier. I just wish he could see how similar we are, I feel like if he did, maybe he could love me, too.
Then again, I realized the other day that he might think I am too imature. I am younger than him and I like things that are childish and I act childish sometimes. I don't know if he could handle that, I don't think that there are many guys out there that could. Even my friends have a hard time dealing with me sometimes, the only one who understands is Katie. I could write a book with all the things I have in common with him, with all the reasons I think he would be able to understand me. He has struggled with so many of the things that I have and it just hurts me to see that he doesn't see that. Then again, a whole ocean and a state of mind separate us. I don't know if the French dislike us as much as we seem to dislike them, but I think this whole thing between our countries is childish. I don't think it would be right if that got in the way.
I actually don't think that France is a bad country, it is just different from ours, all of Europe is very different from the U.S., but I still think that it is no reason to hate them. I know they didn't agree with us on the War in Iraq, but I think that most people in THIS country didn't agree with the war either, and if they did then, they certainly don't now. I know that we have done a lot for them and they haven't done as much for us, but I still don't think that is cause for hatred between our countries. Seriously, do we still have Germany for the World Wars? No. So why do we hate France so much? I just don't understand it, and while my feelings may have something to do with Tristan, I honestly have felt this way for a while now, before I even knew who he was.
I have to take a nap now before my eyes fall out of my head. They are bone dry and I have to wake up in two hours to call my Dad. I'll try to write more often. Bye!
*Racecar*
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