I didn't have a very good night on Thursday as far as the Jazz Ensemble performance went. The Jazz Nazi yelled at me about not plugging in my amp, even though he moved it and was standing in front of it when I needed to plug in. I said "Well, you guys were standing in front of it!" because I honestly felt like they were doing that on purpose, because he loves to yell at me about stuff before we play, not the other guitar player who also had to plug in. Anyway, he yelled back that he could easily kick me out, which bothered me and made me feel insignificant. I don't think I will ever understand how I can be one out of four jazz guitar players in that whole damn school, and yet he still views me as someone who could be replaced at the drop of a hat and no one would care or notice.
Anyway, I decided to be an idiot and spent most of the night crying, including during the performance. I feel bad because the first two songs we played I was so upset that I lost my place while I was comping and even played the melodies wrong. I also took a ton more chances when I soloed, though that didn't work out as well because my right hand can't seem to keep up with my left hand sometimes, so I was strumming the wrong strings and playing wrong notes. Part of me was so mad at him I just wanted it to go bad to make him feel bad, but I know that didn't work, since he's always bragging about how he doesn't give a shit.
Then, after the whole show, which was nice with the other band, since we got to play with them for the end, I was walking out with my Dad. I heard the bass player inviting Dancer to hang out with them, and that just made me feel worse. I went home and watched the Office, though my Dad didn't find it funny at all (though it does look nicer in HD, it's one of the few shows I can even watch in HD, yet it's also one of the many my Dad doesn't like). The other guitar player from the other band went out to eat with his parents, so I didn't feel like such a dork. Still, I guess it irritates me how they accepted Dancer so well and so quickly, whereas they've never really accepted me at all. It makes me feel bad, I hate the way that no matter where I go, it seems like people always like everyone else around more than me. Even in high school it seemed like more people liked Dancer and I've always just felt like everyone's human doormat.
I had my recital the next day and it didn't go as good as I thought it would. Koa is so damn cute, he played and actually messed up, which made me feel a bit better because he's the best guitar player around CCRI. I really like him, but he doesn't like me and I don't think I fit in with him. Then again, my therapist said I don't know how to read people, but I'm pretty sure that I know how he feels without having to bother reading him. The way I've acted around him, any guy would balk at me. I got lost in my first song and had to purposely crane my head so as not to look at the Jazz Nazi, who's piano student was playing (and who my Grandmother thought I should go out with becuase he plays piano, she always tries to get me to go out with a guy at school that I have no interest in). I was worried if I looked at him I would remember the night before and get mad. I really didn't want him there because I don't think there is anyway to change the way he thinks of me, and I'm starting to believe that he doesn't think I can do this and that worries me.
I wanted to go out to get a snack afterward, but that blew up in my face, or more truthfully, in my Dad's. I just cost him a damn car and I don't know how to make it up to him, especially since he called me selfish while he drove me back to my car. If his truck wasn't so big, I would offer to drive it myself, but I don't feel comfortable driving something so big. Anyway, to explain that, I got mad at my Grandma and in general becuase the resturant we went to had giant appetizers (one of them cost nine dollars, seriously) and Pepsi, which I hate. I got an iced tea, but the girl didn't tell me that "sweetened" meant sweetend with Sweet N Low and not with acutal sugar, which, believe it or not, can also be used to sweeten things (though this doesn't work on Starbucks coffee, I think that stuff might be coal or something). I was also worried because I had to go to work at five and my Dad reminded me after the fact that he had to drive my Grandma home and go to his lesson at four. Anyway, after I got all angry and hit myself over the head (and I mean damn hard, I honeslty have several dents in my head which STILL hurt), she offered to take the bus, which my Dad let her do after several attempts to get her to come with us.
She told my uncle about this and he got mad at my Dad for "abandoning" her at a bus stop, even though she rides the bus downtown almost every week and at least once a month. He is now sure that he won't give my Dad the old Ford Taurus that he is currently storing garbage in (he doesn't need it, of course, but he's so dumb I think a kindergardener could outsmart him), even though he knows my Dad needs a car. I'm thinking of buying a damn diesel engine for my Dad's Rabbit because it's been off the road for almost four years now and gas prices will probably never go down from where they are now.
Anyway, today was better but not by much. I mean, the Red Sox won, which was nice and I hope they keep doing so for a while. I had work though, which always sucks and I had to cover jewelry and electronics, though only for an hour. I hate the way the managers think you can do everything, and since my hick coworker is too busy watching cars drive in circles this weekend, I had to work the shoe department by myself, meaning I could only clean it and not put out new shoes. I'm honestly suprised no one yelled at me about that, I'm sure I'll hear all about it tomorrow or Monday. I'm really tired and it is my normal bedtime by now. I'm going to finally get some sleep either Tuesday or Wednesday, or if I'm really good, both, so I will starting replying and making sense again soon. I'll even get to tell you about some of my better adventures, like the time all bunch of Jazz Ensemble students (not including me, Dancer, or R2D2, who's name needs to be explained, let's just say he isn't the robot from Star Wars) got wasted in front of the Jazz Nazi, or all the concerts I have been to this month (only two, but both fun). I'm going to go to bed now. Good night.
*Racecar*
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