Hello everyone! I don't really know how I feel, since today has been really boring. I didn't do much. I played The Simpsons Road Rage on my Playstation 2, but I'm not too good at it. I talked to Puppy on IM for a while about The Sims and playing guitar. I wrote in every single one of my diaries and read a few others. I also changed my little AIM profile since the last time I wrote, but I changed it late last night.
You see, Mr. Lambchops IMed me yesterday telling me to stop talking bad about FiFi. I only wrote one entry about a week ago, so unless she is constantly reading that one, I don't know what to say. I have the right to write whatever I want to, and I didn't want anyone to really read it, except Puppy and Carbon, because they're my only friends who go online at all. Everyone else wouldn't really understand what I write about, or they would get mad at me for it. That's why I stopped reading FiFi's diary a week ago. I knew it would only make me mad to read what she had to say, so I just didn't. I don't know why it's so hard for her to do, and I don't know why she can't just talk to my face.
I can't talk to her, because she blocked me on AIM and I really don't want to hear all those accusations. Yet, I have as much right to write about it as she does, because it bothered me, but I doubt she realizes that. I'm not insulting her when I say that, I'm being honest. Every time one of her friends leaves a note or IMs me, it's always "stop talking about it", which is dumb, because it happened to me at my house. If it didn't involve me in any way or affect me at all, I would understand, but I will be feeling the affects of it all the way into next school year, probably until I go to college. Do they think of that? I doubt it.
Anyway, I'm kind of depressed right now, because it seems like everyone had a big fourth of July, while all I did was go over the Carbon's and drive the Jetta. I want to go to the movies and mall with my friends, but no one will go with me. I have to wonder if that day just split everyone apart even more, because it seems like only Carbon and Hydrogen want to be around me anymore, and like Dancer is just beating around the bush about how she feels. I just know that on Friday, October 3rd, I will be going to the mall, whether I have to walk there, take a bus or cab, whatever. I will go with someone, too, hopefully. When I get home that night, I will be playing an electric guitar, amp or no amp. If you're wonder the significance of the day, it will be my 17th birthday, hopefully the start of something new.
I just can't live in the now right now. I have to live in the future all the time, becuase I think the present is just hopeless. Everyone seems to have made plans into the next five years, except me. I just know that when five years does come, I will be a happier person and that things will change greatly, forced or not.
I cannot live like this for good. I want to sit at the beach and watch the sunset with my friends, to be able to make new memories instead of reliving old ones. Instead, I am going to my Grandmother's and will be walking around her area for the next four days at the most. I just want to see the world and be around people who care about me and want to be around me. Right now, I'm in a house by myself, cleaning up dog shit and my sneakers, wish I could go to the Foo Fighters concert that's tonight, but knowing that it's too far away. I swear, when I can drive, I will never miss another concert like that. Yet, even if I could go, who would go with me? No one has confirmed wanting to go with me on the 25th, which is in just twenty days.
Anyway, I think summer is just going to suck. I know it's too early to give up hope, but when you spend your fourth of July staring into space and playing guitar, while everyone is watching fireworks and having parties, you can't be very happy. I just want to be close to people and to have people in my life who plan to stick around. I don't know if a revolving door in your life is part of being a teenager, or if it's just me.
I did dream about Provolone, though, which I think is weird. I dreamt that I was going to sleep over Lithium's and we were about to leave, in the high school parking lot, when I saw him. He walked towards his white car and got in,and I wished more than anything that I could go with him. I hoped that he would stop by Lithium's house, to see how I was feeling, because in my dream I was depressed. I later saw him in a red convertable, with someone, and he was driving off. I tried to grab on to the car, but I fell off of it, and then I woke up.
I have to get ready to go to my Grandma's, because my Dad is coming home soon. We should be going almost right away after he gets home, or at least he expects to. The way my life goes, I will probably be there until Tuesday night, or maybe Monday, but I doubt it. I don't really want to be home. I'm tired of picking up dog crap, and my microwave died, so I can't really cook anything without it taking almost an hour. I'm not really hungry that much anymore, either. I'm sorry for the depressing entry. Bye.
*Racecar*
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