I feel like a real bitch today, I mean, not a female dog, but just really mad at everyone and everything for every reason you could ever think of. I just feel like I can't do anything anymore because nobody wants to do what I want to do. I don't think anyone will want to hang out with me the night of my birthday, they might just ditch me again, those dirty fucks! Yes, I am THAT mad.
I want to go to the Homecoming dance, but I don't have a date and I never will. None of my friends really want to go and it's some kind of law that you always have to go with a date, while I honestly couldn't. The guy I like thinks I'm a fucking freak now, after I cried in the middle of Instrumental Workshop because I'm the only one in the whole fucking class who can't play "Fire" at 180 on the metronome. I can't even remember my bar chords sometimes.
I just thought this year was going to be fun, and it's just been the opposite. No one wants to do anything with me, no one wants to be in the Science Club anymore and no one will go on the Whale Watch with me. I just want someone who can do stuff with me and won't lie to me or expect me to be perfect. I can't find that in Welfare Town, I just can't find it anywhere anymore.
I hate it here everyone is so fucking mean sometimes and if they're not, they lie. You can't depend on yourself unless you're fucking popular. People always let the popular ones and the assholes get their way. Those Goddamn people at school couldn't care less about me and I know it. I just don't want to go tomorrow, or ever again because I'm tired of everyone there and everything that goes on there. Yet, I have no fucking choice just like everything that bothers me in my life it seems like there is nothing I can do and no one to turn to in any relative time of need where I might want to talk to someone because I'm sad. There's nothing they can do either, everyone says they can help and it's such a lie. If life is like this, how can it possibly be worth living?
If I do go to college, and it's far away, I can't keep my dogs, and my Dad would have to go rid of them. I don't want to get rid of them, I don't want to go to college. I'm tired of not being able to keep the stuff I love in my life in my life and I refuse give them up. Yet, I need to get away from here, I want to get away from here, and all those Goddamn antidepressents do is make you tired! How can sleep make anyone happy? It doesn't make me happy! I just want something that will make this better in some way, I think I'm going my Grandma's next weekend. Fuck this dance.
*Racecar*
<< Sunday, Sept. 21, 2003@4:49 p.m.>>