I'm listening to a song by the Weakerthans called "Plea from a cat named Virtue". I have to wonder what Fry would say to me if he could. Probably some of the same things that Virtue says. I've kind of felt down on my luck a lot lately. I really do sleep too much, though I can't seem to sleep at night anymore. I feel like a vampire. I really want to go home, but I have a stupid guitar lesson with the teacher who is younger than me. I really need to work out tonight, I haven't worked out in a while. I'll probably do it around nine at night, since I'll get home around seven. I like to have some time to eat and kind of think to myself.
I need to go to bed early tonight, I have a composition lesson tomorrow, which I don't really want to go to. Everyone is excited about Spring Break but me. I have no money, no job and nothing to really do besides homework and looking for a job. I guess now is a good time to look, with summer coming soon and most college kids will be too busy partying or on vacation to go looking. I feel like shit that I haven't found another one, even though I've had three interviews since I lost my job.
I got a call from the state the other day about how there was supposed to be some kind of hearing Wednesday about my unemployment benefits. That's such bs because I didn't get accepted for benefits because of some stupid loophole that I'm not looking for full time work, which I can't do right now because of school. Still, I think school, which I will end up paying for, is a good reason to not work full time. I'm already having problems with my classes as it is and I probably will pass them all, but probably some of those grades will be Cs. :(
Anyway, I guess Wal Mart was appealing the ruling saying that they lied to the state about why I was fired. I just hate the shit. I mean, they fired me two weeks before Christmas, when it was VERY hard to find another job in retail, which is where all my experience is. I ended up running out of money within two weeks of losing my job because I had to buy Christmas presents (I was working so much at the time I didn't have the time to go buy presents). I'm having a hard time finding another job because my resume now says I was fired from a job and everyone asks me why. I don't have a very good explanation for that because there really isn't one. They didn't have a good reason to fire me when they did, which makes me think it was premeditated. They could have fired me when the incident that they cited as the reason actually happened, and not a month later like they did. They waited so I could train someone else and so that I would be screwed when I looked for another job. I hate Wal Mart. I hated them before, but I hate them even more now for doing that to me. Seriously, how many people really do things that bad that you have to crush them and try to ruin their future for the next six months to a year? I've been bad and done bad things, especially last year, but I don't think I deserved that, not when I had already been punished in other ways.
I feel really hungry right now. I had lunch at Quizno's, but it was horrible. Their sandwiches kind of suck, and their cinnamon sugar cookie tastes like stuffing cinnamon down your throat. I might go get a snack at Cumberland Farms, since I won't be able to eat again until seven, which is a little over two hours from now.
I just feel down right now, and I know I have to get back up, but it feels like it is going to take forever to do so. I feel so bound by my own shitty problems and stuff that I don't know if I can walk away from things right now. I don't feel like I have the ability to go out on my own and actually make it.
Oh, I started writing a new story. It doesn't really have a name so far, so I called it "Duane and Hazel", after the two main characters, who are the only characters so far. I'll probably post some of it here or on my MySpace or both, but I have to get to a part where it can be separated. I'm trying to come up with things Duane can say to Hazel, since in the story, they have just met. Anyway, Hazel loves Duane and it's obvious. He doesn't notice it, or he doesn't care. They're based on real people, but I just can't seem to get Duane's character down right. I'm not sure if I really know his character like I should. He's based on someone real, but there's no way I could make him like his real life counterpart. Anyway, Hazel and Duane become friends and then Hazel really falls in love with Duane and he doesn't know how he feels about her. Basically, Hazel learns one day, or maybe she already knows, that she met Duane years ago, before either one of them were who they are now. It's kind of a big secret though, and she doesn't know what to do because she is worried she'll lose Duane, though she's not sure if she even has him in the first place. I want it to be happy though, because I never write happy stories, and I need to think about happiness.
I would love to be happy right now, it's something that I need more than anything in the world. I'm just not sure what would really make me happy. I hate that, how I don't know what I want. I never know what I want. I notice other people know stuff that they want, like the car that they want, or the type of guy they want to marry. I honestly don't know that stuff. I know what kinds of cars and boys I like, but I can't say what would be right for me. Whenever I do like a guy, I always think he is the one for me, and he never is.
I was telling Lee about this guy I like now, how I had a dream about him. It was a weird dream, I was in his garden (I don't know if he really has one or not) and it was an overcast day, like it was going to rain. He was growing beans, peas and carrots. The beans were the kind that have messages on them when they grow, the novelty kind, though I felt like they were real and believed they were in the dream. Anyway, they all had the same message on them and that message was "Yes.". I'm not sure why, or what it means. I think I'm really uncertain about how I feel about him, I'm not sure whether I really like him as a friend, or as a boyfriend. I feel like the yes was my way of telling myself that it's okay to like him. Lee said the whole garden was kind of romantic like and a sign of fertility. I have no idea what that has to do with it. Still, it was one of those dreams that haunts you and that you think about the next day all day. I thought about it all day and it kind of put me in a good mood.
Anyway, the kid in the computer lab is staring daggers at me when he can. I think he knows I am not an art student, but there is no class in here and most people are already leaving for Spring Break. I wish I was going somewhere warm and sunny, I'm not even sure if I care where anymore. I just want to lie on the beach in the sun with some friends and just have fun. I want to forget all of the bullshit of the past year and a half. I'm still debating whether to get food or not. I notice I want to use the word "anyway" again, sorry about that. I keep wanting to type things, but I don't want to sound repetitive. This desk is shaking everytime I type something, especially if I type fast.
Okay, someone on here is named "bettyford" and all I can think of is some woman in a fancy outfit popping pills. Man, I want to read "Our Dumb Century" again. I was obsessed with that book in 8th grade. I brought the Onion books with me to school everyday, and now I read the A.V. Club more, which I guess is kind of sad. Still, I watch a buttload of Comedy Central. I keep realizing what a weird kid I was, I guess I'm a weird adult, too. Bye.-Kate
<< Thursday, Mar. 13, 2008@4:33 p.m.>>