I know this sounds stupid and corny, because it probably is, but music has been a part of my life for a while now. I used to listen to it when my parents would fight, when someone at school made fun of me or just when I had nothing better to do. I listen to music everyday and have been for about eight years now. It really helps me calm down after fits of rage or times when I feel alone or angry.
I tend to associate songs with people or specific times in my life. I'll always listen to Green Day's "Welcome to Paradise" and remember sitting in my basement on my fifteenth birthday with all my friends at the time. Staying on AOL until four in the morning, dancing around, looking at our teeth with flash lights and running on the treadmill that didn't work. I even could relate to that song because I felt like I was out on my own, with my mother in the hospital and my father at work everyday, I felt very alone and indepedent, something I honestly didn't want and something I still don't want. It was a fun night though, I even laid out in the middle of Blackrock road and a few people at the party yelled at me for it, but it was kind of fun in a weird way. Everytime I hear that song I remember that night and I almost wish that I could live it again. I have to wonder if I'll ever have fun with friends like that again.
When I listen to some songs, it just reminds me of feelings or times I spent with people. Everytime I hear "I Miss You" by Blink 182, I remember this guy I used to be crazy about, who is long gone and who I probably won't hear from again. I also think of him when I hear "Wonderwall" by Oasis because that was his favorite band and because I felt like he was going to save me, and part of me still feels that way. I still think he's going to come back because I don't honestly want anyone else. He was the only guy who ever made me feel like an equal to him, even today, most guys I like make me feel like I am below them in some way. I also think of going to the No Doubt/Blink 182 concert over the summer when I hear "I Miss You", but that's kind of obvious.
I always think of happy times when I hear "Boxcar" by Jawbreaker, which I think is funny, because that song isn't very happy at all, though the pop punk version sounds happy, even though the lyrics sound sad. I remember Dancer dancing in my car to that song. I remember running down the stairs happy because I thought that Carbon was going to be my friend again like old times when I listen to that song. Yet sometimes it makes me feel like I really am alone.
There are entire albums that remind me of times in my life. "Four Cornered Night" by Jets to Brazil reminds me of eleventh grade, but so does "Perfecting Loneliness", just in different ways. "Perfecting Loneliness" makes me think of those days when I felt alone and sad after my Mom died and I realized I had no one who would want to spend so many long days with me. I can remember walking up to Carbon's house so many times when I hear any of the songs on that album. "Four Cornered Night" reminds me of when I liked a guy in my Italian class and I would sit alone at lunch with my cd player and think about him as he walked right by me. Every time I hear "One Summer Last Fall", I still think of him, though I'm not sure why.
I can listen to "Maladroit" by Weezer and think of the time I listened to it with the poodle and my mother burst into the room to yell at us. Or that whole summer of 2002 really, even the spring, when I made a paper mache giraffe while listened to the cd in art class. I remember how nice that summer was and how fun it was to have a best friend, even though it didn't last. I thought I had met my true love, too, but that was a different story. I remember listening to "In My Place" by Coldplay that summer and loving it and feeling like I had finally found my place, but I quickly realized how far off I really was. I still listen to it and think about how close I came to belonging here and how fast it faded.
I remember my Mom listening to the Bee Gees and Eric Clapton in her '89 blue Taurus, a car I loved. I remember her listening to Mariah Carey and liking it and I liked it, too. I remember her listening to "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton and crying in the car because she didn't feel like my Dad loved her and it made me feel really bad and upset at the same time. I can't listen to that song anymore without crying just like my mother did to it, though not for the same reasons.
Every time that I hear "Now it's On" by Grandaddy, I think of my sixteenth birthday party. About going mini golfing and eating at Chelo's (even though no one liked it because it was the crappy Chelo's). I remember being happy and thinking that I had such great friends. I felt like I was close to all of them and would be for such a long time. I feel happy when I hear that song still, because it reminds me of a time when I actually was happy and felt like things would be okay.
I would have to say my most recent memory is of sitting in my car listening to "Float On" by Modest Mouse and thinking that maybe I would float on and that things would be okay. I still think that and try to get through everyday, no matter how much I hate it here, so that maybe I can float on and be happy. I don't think it's going to be for a while, but I hope I can have some more happy memories with music again. I think that's why I like playing music, because it gets me through life and I can always manage to attach memories to it, good or bad. Bye!
*Racecar*
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