Ugh. Felt like writing today, but I'm not in the best of moods right now. I need to remind myself never to read Parmesan's livejournal, because it makes me sad. I thought I could handle it but I can't. I think that I've realized he's the kind of guy I want to go out with but there is no way in Hell that he would ever like me. Even though we have stuff in common, he likes that damn The Notebook movie! Anyone who thinks that a Nicholas Sparks book is good in anyway other than for fuel for a fire should be condemned to death. I guess that "We're in love but she has terminal cancer which she got the day we met." stuff just never works for me. How come people don't die in movies without finding their true love? It happens in real life, so why doesn't it in the movies? I sometimes like love movies, but I think they have to be messed up, like Punch Drunk Love, that has to be my favorite romantic movie. The way that Barry is trapped in a crummy job (selling plungers), with his family always yelling at him and calling him gay boy. He's upset and lonely, thinking love will never find him. It's just so great to see a character in a movie I can relate to, that's why I like it so much.
Anyway, I just feel like Parmesan is living my dream, being a good musician, going to NYU next year, having a fun time with his friends, family and girlfriend. Ugh. It's so damn depressing to see everyone's lives so full of people that love them, while I have my Grandma, my father, and two dogs. I have to wonder sometimes if it's because I'm a bad person or something. I really just want things to be good and happy. I notice that I want a boyfriend, too. Not to have sex or anything like that, someome to go to the movies with, the cd store with, the guitar stores with. Someone who likes to read and think just as much as he likes to watch tv. I want a smart guy who is cute, but not all muscle. The kind I can hug and cuddle and occasionally kiss but not in public. I was kind of thinking about that in Western Civ, because the cute boy without a name (someone give me a random name for him) looked me right in the eyes and he also looked at me when I walked to a table in the cafeteria around the same time he did.
I'm sorry that I'm depressing, I really want to try and be like what Meg said in her entry. To try to not let stupid stuff bother me and just move on. I've always been bad at that, I'm so crappy when it comes to letting go, of anything, not just people, but material things, too. That kind of makes me feel bad because it probably seems like I'm materialistic.
I also always felt like I was in competition with Parmesan's girlfriend, because she's a musician, too. She has curly hair and glasses (but she has brown eyes, everyone around here has brown eyes or blue eyes accept me, I can't figure out the color of my eyes because they change color every now and then) just like I do. By the way, does anyone notice how when there is a girl on a makeover show, and she's got curly hair and glasses, they always take away her curly hair and glasses first? That makes me mad, because some girls do look nice with curly hair and glasses. This country is totally anti glasses, everyone seems to have a pair of contacts or laser eye surgery. She's better than me in every way, she's smarter than me, she dresses better and she has a nicer car that probably isn't on a ramp right now in her driveway. Her clarinet doesn't have corking peeling off of it (I really want to drop mine like a hot potato, this corking problem is ticking me off).
I just wanted to get that off of my chest. I have to go to bed early tonight, because we have to go to Seekonk tomorrow (an hour drive) to get a tire for the Jetta. You seriously think that it was the only car ever to have 16 inch wheels. Then I wanted to go and look at clarinets at Axelrod music, which is the biggest music store in the state I think. I also wanted to go to the Red Sox thing in Providence, but it's just the owner of the team and stuff and a player who played for them a while back. No one from this year's team, at least not according to the paper. I want Dad to fix my car more than anything, because two hours of driving alone in silence is hell to me. I also heard in might snow on Friday and I have NO IDEA how the Topaz is in the snow and neither does my Dad. I'm kind of pissed at him that he would have me driving a car that is less safe than the one I was driving before. There's no airbags and it had the damn automatic seatbelt, which I swear must have decapitated somebody back in the day.
I'm sorry that I'm so irritated, it's just how I feel right now. I'll write tomorrow about what happens. Oh, in case you didn't know, my father FINALLY fixed the Topaz after almost a year of having it and almost a year of it not running. Part of me wished he wouldn't have I don't think I'm going to like to drive it. See, there I go again, liking certain brands of cars and the other boring stuff I do. I wish I could stop being so mad at myself.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004@4:50 p.m.>>