Does anyone know if you need gold membership to search your diary, or is it any membership? I'm trying to figure out Fry's birthday, but I don't know when I got him. I think it was in April of 2005, around spring break, but I'm not sure.
Not much else is going on. I've been really busy with exams and various projects. I have a lot of work to do still, though I honestly don't want to do any of it and will probably take a while to do it. I should be done with all my major projects by Saturday at the latest and Wednesday at the earliest. I have a few more projects to do, I've actually done most of them. I have to fix my composition, though I don't think that needs to be done until late May. I have to hand in my portfolio hard copy for school, which I need to start printing out and putting together when I get home tonight. I have to fix the digital copy, too, but I'm going to do that in about an hour when those stupid art kids are done with their class. Seriously, they must take up at least 70% of the computer lab time with their classes and it sucks because you know they're not in there the whole time. Seriously, who has a class from 2pm-9pm? No one.
Anyway, I wrote an entry in my MySpace blog last night but I couldn't say everything I wanted to say for fear that Tristan would read it, which is why he won't talk to me anymore, but most of you know that.
The guy I was writing about last night was him. I honestly have been thinking about him a lot lately and I miss him. I want to write to him and apologize, but I've already done that twice, so I figure that he just won't forgive me. In a way, I kind of understand. I mean, I lied to him about being over him, and then basically told him (without telling him, really), that I wasn't. He found out and wasn't happy. I'm honestly not really sure why he didn't like that I liked him. I definately feel like I liked him way too much for my own good, and for his, too. Still, it didn't start out that way, so I feel like he could've handled it differently.
I realized the other day that his rejection of me was more about him being uncomfortable with my feelings towards him. I don't think it had as much to do with me as I thought. It really hurt when he did reject me though, but now it hurts less knowing that it wasn't entirely me. I just can't understand how a guy could be uncomfortable with someone's feelings. It could've been the way I said it, but it doesn't feel like it was just that. He's a pretty odd guy, now that I think of it.
I mostly see him as a brother figure now, I really have no interest in him beyond that. I guess I'm just really lonely, and I sometimes wish that he really was my brother. We could've gone to see Cursive last week and he would've liked the music, but hated the large crowd, just like I did. He would've been able to talk about it with me afterward. We could go cd shopping together and stuff like that. Still, he probably wouldn't go to movies with me, or watch tv with me. I bet if he saw Bleach, he would think it's the stupidest show ever, which makes sense. He honestly seems to hate cheesy things and doesn't even like comedy as much as I do. I don't think I could ever date a guy who doesn't like to watch The Colbert Report, or go see a good comedy movie like Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which I might go to see tomorrow, but probably Wednesday, by myself, of course).
Still, whenever I see Byakuya from Bleach, I think of him. Which is odd, because there's a picture of him on his page now and he looks like Captain Aizen (after he became a traitor, which is the episode that airs Saturday), he's even the same height as him (there's a book with the heights of the characters and other information that's odd for an animated show, and a manga). I almost want to tell him that, but he wouldn't listen, wouldn't get it (and I doubt anyone reading this does, either) and it would probably alienate him further. Then again, I don't feel like I could lose him more than I already have.
I like to think that he is the male version of me, and that someday I'll end up like him. A nice job in the city, a good group of friends, a nice boyfriend (he has a girlfriend, if you're wondering). I think he feels like he's lost part of himself in the whole thing, but I think he has gained a life of his own. I want that, too, but I feel like I am stuck in a rut right now. A rut that invovles sitting in the library and typing for thirty minutes about a man who you think is the older brother you've never had.
I did see the boy I like now today. I played my piano piece for the recital. We were in the teacher's office, which is kind of small. He was sitting next to me, and I wanted to sit with him, but I had to stand because the guy I was standing next to put his bag in front of me so I couldn't sit (I don't think that was intentional, though). It was funny because we were eating donut holes and the woman standing near the door (who was standing behind him) had her phone go off, but it was on vibrate, so it buzzed. He jumped and looked back at her, asking if there was a bug near his head, and she showed him her phone. I was laughing, but it reminded me of why I like him in the first place. He's just got this nervous energy about him that I find so lovable, I haven't seen that kind of energy in someone in so long.
I wore a shirt for him today, but I kind of chickened out and kept by Red Sox sweatshirt zipped up. I'll probably take it off and sit in the Fine Arts Center hallway, waiting for him to pass me by. Then again, he did that on Friday and didn't say a word to me, which kind of sucked. He did turn his back and look at me for a minute. Ugh. I really need to just talk to him, but I'm going to wait until the fall now, because the semester is almost over. Something tells me that I should wait anyway, it's probably because I'm still all in pieces, even though I feel like I've grown a bit.
This semester has been kind of odd. I've struggled a bit and done something things I shouldn've have done. I think I've gotten better though, I feel like I've gotten better. Sometimes I think it is a facade, I don't really know. Have any of you see any kind of change in me these past few months? Sometimes I am glad I lost my job at Wal Mart, but other times I realize it will take a while to find another job.
I just hope that this summer I can go outside more, workout more and learn more. I want to become a better person in all aspects of my life. I want to be more like the people I admire and just be myself. I'm starting to think that I know who I am, or at least am back to who I want to be.
This is long and I have a few things to do. I'm goig to go now and get some stuff done. Bye!-Kate
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