I really, really wish I had my computer back, like right now. I want to listen to music, but there isn't any on this computer, and I don't want to play my iPod, I want to have it blasting on speakers. I also don't want to use my iPod because I don't want the battery to get too low, because I can't charge it with this computer, only with my own (I actually can charge it with my Dad's computer because it's a PC and my laptop is a Mac, so it won't try to reset it without asking first, but I'm terrified it might delete the songs anyway or by accident and I have no idea if I'll actually get my computer today or not).
I just feel a bit bummed out today. I kind of feel like I'm not what anyone wants, you know? I wasn't what my Mom wanted, I'm not what my teachers at school want, I'm not what any guy that I've ever liked has wanted (or wants). It just seems like I'm useless. I haven't made any new friends in college, even though I should have by now. I guess I'm just weird or something, but I'm so afraid of people in general. My whole heart is usually filled with fear. I'm afraid of being rejected (which seems to happen a lot), I'm afraid that I'll get close to someone and they'll up and run (just like so many others have done in my life), I'm afraid to be myself, because that is what seems to cause people to run away.
Never mind that I've been reading stupid romances lately, and realizing that no guy has felt that way for me. Not to mention all the idiots who try to put me with total losers who I would never want to be with. Not to mention people making me feel bad for wanting to be with people like myself. Oh my goodness, I want someone to watch Bleach with, or someone to go see the Queers with. Why is that so odd? It's not like people go to concerts alone all the time (though I probably will until I get too old to go), it's not like people don't discuss shows with other people. I think I really need to get out into the world, but I'm just so damn scared.
For some reason, I can't talk about this with Reneesmee, I guess because she seems to get cold when I do, or act as if my problems aren't as bad as hers (which is probably true). Anyway, I have to leave for work now, though I would love to go and on and, you've probably heard it before anyway.-*Rukia*
<< Thursday, Jan. 15, 2009@3:16 p.m.>>