I am having a totally rotten time right now. I got myself a copy of Rock Band 2 tonight, because I am a fucking idiot. I mean, it was the reason I got a PS3 and everything. So, I bought it, and I was going to set it up when my fatass father came home, and that was the end of it. I finally tried to play it again when he went to bed around ten, but I couldn't find the game. Then I found the game, got the controller set up, and was about to play. I go to grab the regular PS3 controller so I could create a name for some bullshit character (why bother?), when the guitar controller stops working. It hasn't started working since, and I've tried the three fucking things listed on EA's website. I sent a thing for a replacement guitar, but they won't send it until I send them a receipt, I tried to scan it for them, but my printer isn't scanning, so I was going to switch the printers, but I can't even find the fucking power cord for the other printer. Honestly, if HP made a printer that did all the things it was supposed to do, I think I would cease to exist (oh, how I wish that would happen). So, I probably won't be able to get the replacement guitar for a very long time, because I'll have to send the fucking receipt through the mail, which they probably won't get for a week or two. Which means I won't be able to play the fucking game until the end of break, which is useless. So, I bought a game that I will never play, and I spent almost two hundred dollars on it. I fucking suck, basically. I'm thinking of just returning the fucking thing, telling BJ's it doesn't work, and that it sucks and I don't want it. You should just be able to go to where you bought it and return the part that doesn't work for a part that does, but that's easy and makes sense. I'm done with these stupid games anyway. I mean, Guitar Hero 3 fucking sucked, and now Rock Band 2 has a shitty controller that worked for all of 2 minutes, even though I paid $200 for it. I would play the drum part, but I know I'll suck at it. I thought of using an old GH controller, but the PS2 and PS3 don't have the same ports, because Sony hates me, which I should've figured because our computer monitor shuts itself on and off.
It doesn't help that my Dad's birthday was yesterday. He got 3 phone calls about it, I got none on my birthday, no one even noticed. I remember feeling like I could be Bunny's little princess that night. I'm such a fool. There is no way a Catholic would want an atheist girlfriend. That's like a horse dating a zebra, it never happens, and the two shouldn't even live near each other. I wish I could just move away, to somewhere where people are like me, but I don't think that exists.
I got my Dad a birthday card, a talking one, from a few weeks ago. It didn't work. $3 wasted. I hate myself. I hate cards, I never want to give one, or receive one, because I suck at giving them, so I couldn't give one back. Why can't we get rid of them, anyway? It's a waste of paper, a waste of money and a waste of space. He doesn't even pay attention the iTunes card I got him. I fucking hate giving gifts, I don't think I've ever had anyone really like a gift I got them, especially my parents.
I just suck at everything. I'm a shitty friend. A shitty guitar player, I can't even remember something when I haven't played it for a while. I suck at writing, apparently. I suck at music and writing music in general. I don't even check my school e-mail, because I just know my composition teacher thinks I'm fucking stupid and wants me to take Composition 210 over again, even though it will set me back a semester, which will set me back a year in graduating, which will probably just lead to me dropping out. I see no point in going to school for seven years, I see no point in going for four, or even a fucking day. College is honestly bullshit.
You know, it really bugs me. I did this all so I could be like someone I admired. Even the guitar thing, I'm not fucking kidding you. I wish I was, I should've been. But I've had no direction in life, and I was always just waiting for someone to tell me what to do, to just say, here, do this, you're good at it. No one did, or has, or will, of course. I hate it, I can't think of what to do, or what I want to do. I don't really want to do anything. I want to find a handsome boyfriend and make others jealous. I want to go all over the world. I want to have a beautiful house and have holidays there. I want a family that loves me and friends that care, because I can never get that all at once. They don't teach that in school though, which is why it is useless to me. It's actually worse. With school and my shit job, I never have enough time to go make new friends, find a boyfriend, improve myself as a person. I just do useless work and get told I suck at it.
Not only that, but the more I try to be like her, the more I realize I am nothing like her at all. I mean, if she was at school, she would have tons of friends. She would have a nice, cushy campus job where she helped kids and managed to do her homework. She would have some nice car that she had worked her ass off for, one she took pride in and that ran just right. She would be in a band that played on weekends, and she would sing and be good at it. She would have a cute boyfriend who would love her, and they would go to church together on Sundays, like all the good kids. Heck, if I ever met her, she would look at me like I have twenty heads. She wouldn't be able to watch five minutes of Bleach without laughing, just like a normal person would. She would head for the hills if she saw me get mad like I did tonight. Basically, none of this shit would bother her, heck, none of it would happen to her. She is so busy living she doesn't have time for trivial shit like I do, no one really does.
I hate this. I feel like a fucking waste of space. I should go to bed so I can get up at a decent hour for work tomorrow, maybe get int a good workout. I can't sleep, I'm so irritated with myself, so tired, so angry. I used to feel so full of hope, I thought I would have a boyfriend before high school ended, that I would go away to some awesome college in the city and make new friends, ones who liked good things. Look where all that studying got me. Four years in college and no degree to speak of, and none in sight, either. I forget how old I am ALL THE TIME, I find it odd when people my age say they've had sex (which isn't odd at all, obviously), I find it odd when people my age are married (maybe a little odd) and I even find it odd when people my age live on their own. Why? Because I am an eternal child. But I don't want to live like this, I don't want to be me anymore.
<< Saturday, Dec. 27, 2008@12:51 a.m.>>