I haven't been too busy lately, I'm just back to my lazy self. I was in a bit of a bind yesterday, when my Dad and I went to get my car fixed. He told me to lead, and that we would be taking Route 95 to East Providence, which is where Scott Volkswagen is. I've been that way before, but only once, and it was probably almost a year ago, so I forgot how to get there. He told me that he would meet me on 95, and I would follow him. That of course, didn't happen. I ended up taking 95 to 195 to East Providence (you can get there from 95 or 195, depending on how brave you are, it's much easier to go using 95, but no one has ever accused me of being a genius). Anyway, I got lost of course, though I did manage to find my way there, and on time, no less. That always seems to happen to me, though I was really glad about it this time, because my car was basically a gas chamber, with a leaking exhaust (the leak was right under the transmission, so it was going up into the car). I had the sunroof cracked open and the driver's side window was open a bit, but it was too cold to open it all the way, especially on the highway. It doesn't help that my windows get crazy sometimes. I don't care what my Dad says, I don't trust the windows in my car, and I probably never will.
So, we got there on time, dropped the car off and went to Border's. I got my Grandma her Obama book, the Dreams From My Father one. I got myself xxxHolic volume 4, I have the 1-3 package that they sell at Barnes and Noble, though I never finished it (I'm on volume 2). I started reading it, and I honestly love that manga. I don't like it as much as Bleach, but I do like it. It's neat because you can pick it up almost anywhere, as long as you've read the first volume (or maybe just the first chapter, really). It's kind of a serial, with the main character (Watanuki) getting into a new problem every chapter or so. I also love how beautiful Yuko is, though I'm not sure why, I guess it just makes me wish that I was that pretty, though she is a twig. I really need to work on losing weight, I've decided once this year is over, I'm going to do it. Anyway, the fourth book is about Valentine's Day, and I guess I could relate to Watanuki getting no chocolates, because I know I won't get any, either. I'm almost finished with the volume, I actually read it first thing when I woke up this morning, even though I should've eaten lunch.
We then went to Wright's Farm for no real reason, and it was so busy that I sat in the car and read my book. We got some food from the Beef Barn after, and that's when Scott called, to say that it would cost $2,000 to fix my car (I could get another car for that, but my Dad disagrees because he's stupid) and that they didn't have all the parts (it needed a new exhaust, entirely, which was bullshit, my Dad replaced the lower part two years ago). Anyway, my Dad agreed to it, it ended up costing $1,600 because the caliper that they thought was frozen wasn't, the back break lines and the cables were just so bad that the caliper froze as a result.
After the Beef Barn, we went home, and I took a nap. Saya slept next to me for a bit, it was so cute. She has really opened up to me lately, she's even let me hug her a few times. She's really sweet, though my Dad is still peeved that she doesn't like him. Anyway, I probably won't write any more of this, I'm kind of talking to Jody. I'm also looking for Gurren Lagann stuff online. That has to be, hands down, my favorite anime show right now, and possibly of all time, though I admit I haven't seen too many shows. I really want a shirt, and Hot Topic has one, but it's black and I already have a million black shirts.
I can't even write about how much I love that show. I guess it's because I relate so much to Simon. How the girls don't like him (guys have never really liked me), how he has no confidence in himself, it's always Kamina who pushes him, how heartbroken he is when Kamina is gone. It's a sad show, I don't really like the ending, or the way fate destroys so many of the things Simon worked for, but I love it anyway. I love that there is a character who I can see myself in, yet who kept going, despite all the trials he faced. It makes me want to keep going, too. It's silly to be inspired by an anime show that people who don't watch anime have never watched, and never will watch, but I get inspired by it. Heck, I even based the two motives of the third movement of my sonata on Nia and Simon, which is really dorky of me.
I just feel so depressed around the holidays, I realize how alone and isolated I am. It's my fault, really. I guess I just hate how I am. I hate how people seem to fit together like puzzles, and I don't fit anywhere. I don't fit in in Rhode Island, where everyone seems to be Catholic. I wanted to go to Boston and abandon all of my friends (I know, I'm terrible). I wanted to find people who liked good music, who wanted more than what was handed to them, who didn't just follow their parents around like useless little lap dogs. I mean, my whole family still lives in New England, we've lived here for over 300 years, and nothing has changed. We are poor, just getting by (not charity cases, I doubt that will ever happen). We are unhappy, with jobs that mean nothing to us, that we go to just so we can get the new Adam Sandler movie, which also manages to disappoint. It seems like life is such a rat race, like we're just stuck in our damn mazes, never to get out. Some of us get out, some of us break free, but how? I wanted to know how to do it. I want to know how to live my dream. Is it even worth it? Is it a lonely road? But I feel so alone right now, how could I possibly feel any worse? Yet, I worry that it could easily get worse if I leave here. No bed to sleep in, no roof over my head, no food in my stomach. It's not the perks that I will miss, though I know I'll hate not having the internet (to waste my time and creative energy some more, I never get any work done), what worries me is going hungry and homeless. If I stay in Rhode Island, if I work at BJ's until I turn 75, or even 80 (or until they go out of business and I find someplace else to retire at), I know I will probably just live in my house, my father will die, and I'll stay here and try to get it fixed. I can have Blake, Ginger and Saya (I sometimes wish I could still have Fry on that list). I might get married to a guy like Bunny (though probably not him) and convert to Christianity. But is that good? Would I be happy? Or maybe I wouldn't get married, and be a stupid cat lady for the rest of my life, and die alone when I choke on my frozen dinner, in the same house that has claimed the lives of my Mom and Dad (or will have, in the case of my Dad).
Or maybe I should make a run for it in the middle of the night? Pack up the shit I might need, the stuff I want the most, and go. Where would I go? Where should I go? What would I do? How would I do it? I don't even know, to be honest. I think I would go to San Francisco, or anywhere in CA, since I love it so much. I would want to start a little band, or maybe just make music on my own (though I could easily do that now, why don't I?). I could live somewhere sunny, start all over as any girl I want to be, not just plain old Kate, the one who sits in the corner and does absolutely nothing. I could be a sexy young thing, the kind of girl that any guy would want (oh, how I wish). I could go up onstage every single night and let out every secret that I couldn't tell anyone in person, in beautiful songs. I don't care if I captivate the audience, I want that cathartic feeling, that knowing that I belong where I am. I want to be so damn intense that people realize that this life isn't just what is handed to you. Do I really have that ability? Would I survive? Or would they find me dead amongst a trash pile, possibly killed, or possibly dead of hunger.
I don't know the future, I can't know, but I don't honestly know what to do, either. There is so much more I want to my life, and I'm not getting it here. Something tells me I'll never get it here. But then again, UMass was a fiasco, and I worry it would only happen again if I moved away. My heart tells me that I've changed, but is it enough? I know the only way to know would be to actually try, but if I fail, my confidence would be severely shattered, again. I just don't know if I'm good enough, if I'm anything at all. I don't know that the people I want to be with, the people I need to be with, even exist. Maybe I'm living in one big fantasy world that doesn't exist. I just don't want to end up like my parents, but what kid doesn't?-*Raceecar*
<< Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2008@8:51 p.m.>>