Ugh. I'm sorry that I haven't written lately. I've been kind of busy, kind of irritated, tired and sad. Actually, I've been very sad lately, and I'm not even sure what to do about it. I just feel like everyone in my life right now ignores me whenever I'm sad or anything. It's like no one wants to deal with me. Or they just argue with me.
I feel like my whole life, everyone has just said or done the exact opposite of what I thought they would. My friend ignores me and lies to me, then tells me that I'm the bad guy, even though she's the one who was ditching me for her boyfriend. It's not like she ever warned me that I was being a jerk, she just shut me out. Of course, she still gets a starring role in my dreams. Along with my mother, who is always trying to kill me for being a bad daughter. Or the person I admire most in this world, who is always some sort of super hero type, though she thinks I'm special ed (in my dreams, I mean, she's doesn't know me in real life).
I'm just so tired of it. I'm so tired of going to places I want to go to alone, or having to drive everyone around. I never get invited anywhere, I can't even remember the last time someone invited me to the movies, and no one has ever asked me to go to a concert. I haven't been asked out in a long time, and every guy who does ask me out is a loser.
I don't get why people who are the opposite of me are attracted to me at all. I think I'd rather no one was attracted to me at all. At this point in my life, I would like to say that I would rather have four good friends, than EVER have a boyfriend. I'm not joking at all. I don't know that there is a guy out there who I could love, anyway. Every guy I do care for is always two faced, and I end up falling for his light side, and then being faced with his dark one telling me I'm no good. If I can't be loved by someone I love as well, I don't want to be loved at all.
I have the sound on my laptop so loud that I think it is shaking a bit. I'm just listening to songs that I like, but they're kind of making me sad. Like "Returning to the Fold" by the Thermals, that's actually one of my favorite songs. I wish that someone would wait for me, I wish I could grow up. I wish I was religious like I was when I was a kid, I would fit in so much better here. I wish I liked The Big Bang Theory instead of Better Off Ted, or Naruto instead of Bleach or just anything else. I kind of hate who I am, because I don't feel that I fit in here.
I actually was crying at work, because I wished that I had grown up in a different family. I know I can't change that kind of stuff, but I don't even feel like they love me. It was because this little girl recognized this girl I work with because the girl I work with has a mom who teaches at the elementary school around here. I don't know why it made me sad, but it did. I just wish that my mother had been a respectable woman with a decent job. I wish that I had a sister or brother, just someone who would be home right now, so I wouldn't feel so alone. Even when my Dad comes home, I feel like this house is empty.
I got three hours of sleep on Thursday night and it has made my mood much worse. I can't think without my mind feeling very foggy. I'm so tired that I just keep thinking of how sad I am and nothing else. I can barely hold a conversation with anyone without getting mad, but it doesn't help that everyone seems to be pushing every button I have, as if they are all visible and say "press me.".
I'm listening to "Rocket Boy" by Jets to Brazil right now. I almost always listen to that when I am sad, especially if I feel like I am failing at something. It seems like everyone is moving on, this whole world seems to be spinning on and on, yet I am staying still. I appear to be physically aging, but I'm not mentally. I minus well do like Renseeme's stupid friend and watch the Jonas brothers, because that's how old I act.
I don't know what else to say. I was going to set the alarm, but at this point, I don't even care. I think I'm going to just take a nap until I wake up. I don't feel like dealing with anyone right now. I have to say, if I experience one more setback with my graduation from college, I might give up. I just want to leave home, I really don't even want to go back for the fall semester. It's just going to be more of the same, more of everyone ignoring me, me having to drive for two hours everyday. I thought things would change last fall, but they didn't. I don't imagine anything will change this fall, either.
I mean, it's not like I'm going to be able to do anything with my degree. I'm really only finishing it because it's what I wanted and I figured that I've been working on it so long (6 years and counting...) that I minus well finish. Still, it feels like going to school is putting my real life on hold, especially since I hate school and have ever since I was a kid. I don't even know why I busted my ass in school thinking I would get into a good college, when all I did was go to the same country hell hole that everyone else did. I didn't even want to go to college, but these days, people act as if you are an idiot if you don't, not to mention you make less money, though I think I would anyway.
Anyway, it's almost five and I should get to bed. I don't even think I will work out today, since my Dad will probably be home when I wake up. I'm just so tired of everything lately. I don't know what to do. Not to mention my health insurance runs out in less than two months and that is beginning to make me nervous. I don't trust doctors any more though, if I did, I would've gone to see one by now. I'm sorry for being so depressing, but then again, I don't force anyone to read this.-*Racecar*
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