I haven't written in here in a while, and I'm not even sure why. Last weekend was pure hell, since I couldn't get any sleep Thursday-Sunday night. I was even tired going into Tuesday, since I didn't get much sleep Monday night as well. My jury didn't go as well as I thought it would, and I'm getting a new guitar teacher this fall, which worries me. I'm worried that the teacher won't like me, or that it will somehow derail me from graduating (like maybe they won't let me take summer lessons next summer, or maybe they'll forget to have me do two convocation performances in the fall and spring semesters). I don't know if you guys know, but I've been in college for almost six years now and I'll only be getting my bachelors in composition. It feels like such a waste of time and money to go through all of this to get that, but it's what I really wanted, or want, or whatever. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's what I want, I don't know that I'll ever fully be sure of my path in life, since I'm such an indecisive person.
What I really wanted to write about was last Friday night, since it was so much fun, yet brought up a few things that I've been thinking about all week, even today (or yesterday, really). Not to mention that one of my former friends is getting married in less than twelve hours and I'm not happy about it at all.
I'll start off with last Friday, I got out of work late, and met up with FiFi and her boyfriend at Denny's where we ate for about an hour and a half. Rensemee called me up not long after we started eating, and we got into one of our discussions which no one would probably understand but us. (The whole "I love him too, bitch." thing that has become our kind of catchphrase, see the last entry for where it came from.) It's nice to have a friend like that, and FiFi has one back at home as well. The dinner was nice, I don't like Denny's, but talking to her and her boyfriend was fun.
Then, we went to the bank and I got some money. We went to Barnes and Noble and looked around the manga section, which was great, because they actually knew or cared what I was talking about, instead of being absent minded or not caring like I thought they would. FiFi's boyfriend even knew about Bleach, and we talked about that. He was organizing the books for them before we left, I guess he hates things out of order.
We then went to the big FYE on Route 2, where I got a Kisuke Urahara doll from Bleach and a Lagwagon CD ("Hoss", if you're wondering) and the movie High Fidelity, which I've seen bits and pieces of (and loved, though I want to read the book first, I love Nick Hornby in general, so I know I'll like it, though I feel weird for liking a writer who appeals more to men than women). Then, we went to the Warwick Mall, just because FiFi hadn't seen it in a while. We walked around and I went into Waldenbooks and got a copy of the first Lucky Star, which I'm slowly reading (it's one of those ones that you can read in bits and pieces at a time). We then went into Olympia Sports since it's new and none of us had ever been in it. FiFi's boyfriend had fun throwing around the pool cues, I thought he was going to get us kicked out of there.
Then I drove them home, though on the way (I was practically on top of FiFi's Aunt's house), I busted a tire. We had no jack, since my Dad took the jack out of my car (it was crushed by the weight of the car a few years ago when I last used it, and I told him to get me a new one, this was two years ago, mind you). He did put a hydraulic jack in, but took it out without telling me or putting it back. He put the hydraulic one back in a few days ago, but it's so big that it makes clunking noises in my trunk and could lift my whole car. He is supposed to get a jack for my car from a friend, but I'm thinking of just buying one from Benny's sometime.
So, FiFi and I walked to her Aunt's house while her boyfriend stayed with my car, taking the lug nuts off (though I guess you're not supposed to do that with the car on the ground still). Her Aunt didn't have a jack, so they had to call her Aunt's brother, which meant we had to wait twenty minutes for him to show up. A cop came by the car while we were away (I swear, Nigel is just a cop magnet), but he left by the time we came back. I managed to stay pretty calm, which I was proud of. Though, on the way to FiFi's Aunt's house (the walk, I mean), I kind of spilled my guts about some things. Namely, my disappointment in not having had a boyfriend at all in these past seven years, the failure of things with Bunny (I have to say, I thought he would at least go out on one date with me) and this new guy that I like. The night before (Thursday) I had gone to the mall with Rensemee and we actually went into American Eagle, because that's where this new guy shops. I know, that's kind of odd, but I want to know about him and the things he likes, it's comforting. I just feel like things will be the same with him as well, even though he is not the exact same as Bunny (I have no doubts that he's straight and not in love with some other girl or something, unlike with Bunny, though I honestly think Bunny is in love with his high school sweetheart, some who have seen him think he's gay.), I just feel like it's going to be the same thing again, just like everyone before him.
I told her about how I think this guy thinks I am stupid, and she told me that I'm not. That I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find a prince. To be honest, that has always made me feel worse, since I have yet to kiss a toad or date a toad, I must be a long, long way from a prince. She told me that she is the happiest she's ever been, and it made me realize that even though I would love for her to come back to RI for good, she would hate it here, just like she did.
We then hung out around my car for a while. I took Urahara out of his box and played with him, I even carried him around when we went to talk to some other guy about a jack. I kept making silly jokes about how whenever someone slowed down to look at the car, they were really just staring at how sexy Urahara looks. Basically, I was being a huge Bleach dork, and it was cool because they understood and didn't mind it. FiFi even took pictures of me and her boyfriend, who was spinning my tire iron like a dreidel. It took a while before the her Aunt's brother came, but he did and put the spare on my car.
It took me about an hour and a half to get home. I couldn't take the highway, of course, so I took the back roads and nearly got lost. The whole time, and even later on in the week, I thought of how much fun I had, and how I wish I could hang out with people like that all the time. It makes me sad, how I have only managed to lose friends these past few years, and not make any new ones. I really need to make new ones, that's obvious. I don't know why I am so afraid to reach out to people, I wish I wasn't. I wish that those happy times I had with them, and with others, would just last forever sometimes. I don't even know if I would really want a boyfriend, or need one, if I just had a few good friends. Sure, I would be jealous of other girls with boyfriends, sure, I would want affection every now and then. But, as long as I don't feel so alone in the world, so strange, I could be really happy. It was comforting and happy, and yet sad at the same time. Because no matter how much I wish for it, those happy moments never seem to last for more than a moment or two. I feel like sorrow has been hounding me for so many years now and every time I thought the happiness would shine through, it always faded away, or never came at all.
The rest of the week has been like a hangover from the week before. I had almost no money after buying a new tire on Saturday, and I went to Sam's Club, where they were total idiots about it. I'm not going there again to get tires, though I'm not sure where to go, probably Sears. Tuesday I went to the mall with Rensemee again and got an L from Death Note figurine, which I don't think does him justice (I've seen better), but the funny thing is, he holds this frog suncatcher I have, and it looks like he is getting it on with it, especially with the way the frog is looking at his hand. I'm going to start a Photobucket account sometime before the summer ends so that you guys can see all the silly pictures I have. They're quite boring though, since I rarely go anywhere. When I do get it, I will make a link in the entry I write and I'll leave a link on the layout, too. I'll also mention when I update it, though I doubt it will be often.
My friend Dancer is getting married in less than twelve hours. I could write a book on how sad I am about it. Not because I want to get married, no, I don't really care about that at this point in my life. The more I think about the love, the more I can say this: I don't want something that lasts forever, I want something I will remember forever. I really think that she is forcing herself to get married because she wants to have children by a certain age, which is stupid, because these days, as long as you have a stable living environment, you can adopt. If I don't have children, I want to adopt, probably a boy and a girl. Still, it shouldn't matter when or if you get married, or when or if you have kids. Everyone knows that she is making a mistake, that she's isn't happy, and that she is bending to his will because she's afraid he'll leave, which is odd, because he is just as afraid. I don't even think that their relationship is based on love at all, but rather, fear that they won't find someone better, that they're not worth someone better suited to them. To be honest, they don't suit each other at all and I think he's gay and hiding it, which is a horrible thing to do. Not to others (though that is true) so much as it is to himself. I mean, I hide under lots of things, and there are tons of things I wouldn't tell a soul, or don't want to tell anyone. It takes courage to be who you really are to those around you, but it's so important. Even just admitting those things to yourself is huge. Sorry if I sound like a know it all, I'm not.
I don't think she will divorce him though, or that he will leave her. They don't believe in that, and they are too afraid to do something like that, either. I just think that they will be married for a very long time, and be miserable. In a way, it reminds me of my cousin and her husband. They shouldn't have gotten married, but they are together because they are afraid to be alone. Not to mention I think my cousin has her own timeline to live by. I don't know if I have one, I guess I do, but I've messed it up a million times by now, so it's all wishful thinking. My biggest goal right now is to graduate next year, and try and get out of RI by 2011, though I'd prefer to leave in 2010. I don't even know where I want to live or what I'll do, so I have to figure out those things first, anyway.
I just want to find where I belong. To find the happiness that I've been striving for for so long. I should really go to bed now. My keyboard on my laptop is acting up (the newer Mac Book Pros have very different keyboards for a reason), I'm tired, and this is probably very, very long.-*Rukia*
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