I kind of hate the internet sometimes. Mostly because I get derailed by things. I actually should probably be getting ready for bed. But instead, I'm up writing stuff online, mostly because I feel like it. I've double booked myself for tomorrow, I'm not sure how I'll get out of it.
I have a meeting at Rhode Island College to figure out my plan of study with the head of the math/computer sciences department. It's looking like I'll be taking about three or four classes in the fall, one of them being Algebra. I'm a bit disappointed in myself for not being able to work through all of it in time. I even worked on it last night, but I couldn't get through the weird fraction parts that kept popping up. I'm really worried I won't do well as a computer science major because of my not so amazing math skills. Then again, I'm hoping having someone around to physically watch me work out problems and show me what I'm doing wrong will be more helpful than watching videos and messing up on problems only to see what I did wrong after the fact.
I've been feeling a bit isolated this week. I was supposed to hang out with one of the Messiah's old friends, but she kind of ditched me and I got mad about it. I joined some groups on Meetup, but one of the meetups got canceled and moved to another date, which I might not be able to go to. I've been sleeping a lot and lounging around the house, not really getting much done, it's kind of sad.
I also lost a few computer programs, which really sucks. The worst is Finale because I was able to put it back on my computer, but it wants me to register it, which I don't know if I can do. I might be able to if I can find the case it came in, but if not, I won't be able to use it. I also lost all the iLife stuff, but I think it's on the external hard drive somewhere. I'm not sure about Microsoft Office, either, but I imagine that stuff would also ask for codes if I transferred it over. I don't know where the case is for that set at all. And the programs themselves are pretty expensive to replace. Finale would set me back about $150, Office probably $80 and iLife $45. Which is why I was upset about having to delete my hard drive before. It wasn't the files, because those can be replaced. But companies are so worried about people illegally downloading programs that they make it hard for you to use them if you've lost your code or are transferring between hard drives. Which is a bunch of crap, and really only encourages illegal downloading of programs. I mean, as far as Finale goes, I was planning on switching to Sibelius at some point, since everyone in school who used Sibelius liked it more, though I heard the learning curve is steep. To replace Office, I downloaded OpenOffice. iLife won't be too hard to replace because it's on the App Store and I can download one program at a time for $15, so I can get one a week to ease the load on my wallet. Not to mention I did get them working on my computer for a few minutes, so I think the copies on my hard drive are usable without a code.
I feel kind of lonely lately. Yet, I'm not really getting too mad. Even at work things were tough, but I didn't flip my lid or anything. I was proud of myself, since I put in to work in another area for 20 hours a week. I doubt I'll get it, but I felt like today I was able to prove that I had changed and could handle my responsibilities without cracking. Then again, they might not believe me or care. No one wants to work in my area because they are so freaking lazy it's not even funny. My job is such a dead end, and I hate it. I sometimes fantasize about being fired, even though that would only make my life worse, and I know it.
Anyway, I should get ready for bed. Nodame Cantabile is streaming on Crackle again. I watched it all right after I graduated college a year and a half ago. I was still really into Fakir back then, and Chiaki (the main male character) reminds me of him. I always hoped that he would see my talent and like me for it, but that didn't happen. I miss him and the whole idea of liking someone, really. I'm hoping maybe going back to college will cause me to meet someone I can care for again.
I had to watch an episode of Nodame just to make sure it was there. And that's why I'm still up. It made me want to write because it just made me sad for some reason. There's quite a few things that remind me of Fakir, and they're all accompanied by this bittersweet feeling. I wonder if I was a more outgoing, different person, if things could've worked. If a guy like him could ever like a girl like me.
I really want to be with someone who is handsome and values the arts. I want to be with someone who is honest and caring. I want him to love me and be with me. I want to be able to be around him and not worry about all kinds of things. Whenever I'm around most people, I worry a lot. About where we're going, how we're getting there, when we're leaving and all of that stuff. Most of my friends don't do anything to try to help alleviate that. I'm always the one driving, planing, calling, etc. I just really want someone who doesn't do that, who understands that it's a two way street. I just don't seem to attract those types of people into my life. And I'm tired of having to chase after guys and talk to them, etc. It's just more of the same.
I have to say, I don't understand why guys these days are so stupid. They bitch and complain that girls don't like them, etc, but most of them never even try. You really can't complain if you don't try at all. I also hate how they talk about liking girls but being bad at talking to them, since you really only get better by actually talking. It doesn't help that Sousuke has been on my mind since we fought. He actually gave me shit for not liking him, which made me angry. I've never been anything but honest with him about how I feel, and yet he never really told me how he felt until a couple of months ago. Apparently, he doesn't even care about me anymore anyway. It doesn't make any sense, but nothing with him does, to be honest.
I'm going to go to bed. I've kind of lost my train of thought. I hurt my shoulder on Saturday at work, and typing is kind of making it worse. Good night!-*Duck*
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