I must ask: has anyone accidentally typed in dairyland.com when trying to get here? I have a few times.
I felt like writing because I've been feeling pretty sad lately. Sousuke and I made up for a bit, but then I got mad at him for wanting to go to Boston with this kid from work when he told me he didn't want to go again for a while. Not to mention he said it wasn't fun being popular and I felt like he was complaining about something stupid to someone who would LOVE to have good friends. Needless to say, he got mad at me for being mad at him, which in turn made me even more angry. He also kept talking about the Red Sox (who are having an awful season, though they seem to be doing a bit better now), even though I hinted several times that I wanted to change the subject. And he's being an asshole Rangers fan (the NHL team) for no real reason. I mean, I'm fine with wearing your favorite team's hat to work, but when people ask you about it, it seems mean to say "Well, at least my team is still in the playoffs!". I'm not going to lie, I secretly (and this is evil Duck talking), hope that the Rangers lose and the goalie breaks his leg so he'll be out for most of next season. They'll probably win the Stanley Cup, since the last time I said something like that, the Packers wound up winning the Super Bowl.
It kind of sucks not being friends with him anymore, but I know in the long run it is best. It just sucks because I have to see him at work when I don't really want to. Not to mention everyone at work loves him and it's very obvious that they don't like or trust me. I mean, I have been working there 4 years and am in the exact same area I was when I started. I did train as a cashier, but a couple of weeks ago a manager told me that they don't want me cashiering. I've gotten upset at work a few times (mostly because they do dumb stuff like giving me my breaks late and putting people who aren't trained back there, which adds to my already high stress levels) and they're afraid I'll hurt a customer or scare customers away. I understand that, but it's not the only thing to do in the store. I did apply for a part time job in produce stocking the area to get out of food court for a while. I wasn't even interviewed for it though, or told why I didn't get it (which they are supposed to do if you aren't interviewed or chosen for the job). I really wanted an interview, I felt I really could've made my case, but they wouldn't even let me have that.
I overheard Sousuke talking to the HR lady there today and she told him to apply for the jobs he wanted. I got jealous (as I always do), because I know he will eventually get another job there doing something else. I have no future there. I told the HR lady I wanted to work in other areas and told her about my incidents, but she told me to tell the personnel manager (who is on vacation) to cross train me. I highly doubt anything will come of it, though I will try and talk to him, even if it just leads to me venting, and probably crying. I seriously cry at work pretty much everyday. Heck, there is rarely a regular day when I don't cry.
I did call another therapist and make an appointment. I kind of feel like I am too far gone at this point though. I don't know what would help me. I feel so hopeless right now with how everything is going. I feel so helpless because no one has really helped at all. I feel guilty for being so sad and making a few people who do care worry about me. I feel bad for bringing others down and kind of putting them in the proverbial line of fire. I just feel awful overall and I really don't like the person I have become.
I didn't get to tell my Dad what was on my mind tonight. Then again, I don't always feel comfortable telling him these things. I also feel as though I repeat myself over and over to him and everyone else I talk to.
I keep thinking about how much easier everyone's lives would be if I could just keep myself straight. Like, if I had done what every other girl I know has done, and gotten a good job and a boyfriend/husband to live with. My Dad would be able to sell the house and living in a senior citizens village of some sort, and he could do activities and make the friends he really needs. He could truly enjoy life for the first time in probably ages. I feel so bad for him, because he never seems happy and he rarely seems to smile. I feel like I only add to the burden that he has been unfairly forced to carry and I do nothing to help. If only I could've been a normal girl, I think he'd be happier for it.
Not to mention I wish that I was in a different situation myself. I keep looking at the foreclosed houses in my neighborhood, and imagine living in the houses with friends or a boy. It would be so nice to have my own furniture, my own dishes, my own everything. To be able to sit at a table with someone, have fires in the fire pit, play around in the driveway, have a garden and even a small pond with some koi fish and lilly pads. I can't even afford to pay my student loan debt, and my job does nothing for me at all short of making me miserable.
I feel like I am a failure as a woman because boys don't like me. I am so tired of chasing after them on dating sites and even in real life. It never even gets me anywhere with them, so it doesn't feel worth it to bother. Even working out and eating healthy feels futile when no one really seems to care or notice. Why should it matter how much sugar I eat? I feel like crap no matter what I do. It just feels pointless to try and live a long life when I'm only 25 and thinking the world would be better without me.
The worst thing is, there is no clear cut solution to all of this. I'm not sure if going back to school will really help, and if it doesn't work out, what will I do? I can't work at my current job much longer, though I know I have no real choice. My allergies on my hands continue to come back no matter what I do. My sleep schedule gets torn to shreds every night and I just can't handle it. I am also so tired of eating every meal in front of my computer, reading the internet. Or not having a table, and finding bills and other important mail at the last minute. I only found my college acceptance letter today, and it needs to get to the college by June 1st for me to be enrolled for fall, which I need to do, or else it will add another year to my time there. I can barely handle another week in RI, let alone another year.
Anyway, I really needed to vent. I feel like the nuclear power plant in the Simpsons when Homer gets too fat. The prompt on his screen at home says "Venting prevents explosion." I think that is me, and if I don't vent, I will explode and probably lose my job or something else I need. I just don't know what to do, and asking for help at this point is like talking to a wall. I hope I find the solution soon.-*Duck*
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