I'm thinking of taking a day off to clean my room and not play guitar or work out. It's honestly a mess and the end of summer is coming so quickly that I think I need to clean it on Thursday, but I have to work on Thursday because I didn't go in today because I was having problems. I don't even want to talk about it, but I did nearly get arrested.
I don't honestly know why I am so angry and hurt lately, I just feel like shit. I don't want to go to CCRI or work at Wal Mart or Target and I'm mad that I always have to make choices between two things that I don't like. I don't fit in at Target or Wal Mart, just like I don't fit in at CCRI, but I need health insurance.
I honestly think I have a cold or something because I keep getting canker sores, I've had at least one in my mouth for about a month now and it's driving me crazy. I also need to eat better, I can just tell I'm using food as a reward and to comfort myself and that's not good.
I got a new amp, it's a Marshall MG15CDR. Only time will tell if it's good, but I like it and it sounds good, I haven't played with the overdrive yet, just with the clean channel. I kind of like distortion, but my Crate is better for that, though I still won't use it. I admitted to my therapist today that I wanted to be in a band, I worry that people will think I'm crazy for that.
I've always wanted to be like Blake Schwarzenbach in a way, neither of his bands are well known outside of people who like punk music, but those who do seem to really love his music. I love the way he's moved on and done other stuff too, and the way he writes lyrics the way people write poetry, but he doesn't use simple words all the time like most pop music does. I kind of want to be like him, well known and loved by some people, but not well known to everyone. He's one of my idols, but not my only one.
I feel kind of guilty about that because I told my Dad about one of my other idols and he seemed to think I was stupid. I hate having idols who are rock stars because it makes me feel stupid and no one else I know has ever really mentioned having an idol. My Dad just said it like it was bad or something, like I wanted to go out and pary and stuff. I just want to express myself with music and have fun and possibly make some money doing it.
I've decided to ignore the Red Sox for a while, just seeing them play these days is making me nervous. Why can't they get rid of Tavarez and Seanez? Everyone knows that they suck and I can't stand Tavarez because his short fuse has gotten him in trouble so often, I worry it will happen again this season. Neither one of them are very good, though I like Manny Delcarmen because he seems nice, but I think he might need more experience. I honestly can't believe they lost to the worst team in baseball, I mean the Kansas City Royals lost fourteen games in a row this season and yet the Red Sox can't beat them? Something is going on and it worries me that they've been slumping so much since Varitek got hurt, it makes me think that he is a bigger part of their success than I thought. The idea of seeing them play like this for a week or two just makes me feel bummed out. I'm not going to pay attention to their games until I can take it as a game. I've been taking stuff too seriously lately and I know I'll do that if I watch their games or read about them. Not that I still don't like them or want them to win, I just need to get away from stuff for a while.
I'm really tired and I need to go to bed, please leave a note because the guestbook is down and I'm too lazy to put another guestbook in here. When I'm back to working one job and playing guitar at a normal hour (I played for ten to one am tonight), I'll start updating more and fixing my diary and squareone, which you should all read and Meg should post in because she hasn't in a few months. I'll write more when I can.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Aug. 09, 2006@1:12 a.m.>>