Back on the Gateway again, this is really disorienting me. I'm trying to get used to having no mouse at all and a flat keyboard with small arrow buttons, but then my Dad decides he needs to waste more printer ink so he puts the internet on the Gateway again. I think when we get back from Albany, he's going to put it back on my Apple or figure out a way to connect both, which would be could. I think I could only get about 20 NP a day in games on my Apple, it's like the keyboards on laptops are made for toddlers or something.
I guess you can tell, or maybe you can't, but I haven't had a very good day. I will finish my Dear You thing with a part two tomorrow morning, if I can. I just haven't been feeling well lately. Physically, I'm probably at the peak of health. I can bet money that cyst is gone now, all because I called the doctor and spent money on it. That thing is like my car. Today, I was heading to my Grandma's, and the brake light came on, which means it needs brake fluid, but it was also kind of sluggish, not that I had a big problem with it, but it's not fun to have to really floor it hard just to get to sixty five. I thought my foot was going to go through the floor. Then, the AC wasn't working, which wasn't bad today, but it will probably be warm in Albany and that car gets hot during the day like you wouldn't believe. It can be seventy out, and it feels like eighty five in my car. I told my Grandma, and she thinks my car is a shitbox, but I honestly love that car, something I never thought I would ever do. Of course, on the way home, the car was fine and when my Dad checked it, there was no problem. I don't find that funny, because that's the third time it's happened. Crazy car.
My Grandma and I went to see Anchorman, but I didn't find it that funny. I don't even like comedy movies anymore, something is wrong with me. I used to be able to watch Jim Carrey movies all day and not even be bothered. Even now, I don't watch those anymore, either. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think it's just that as a teenager, there's tons of drama and you can't see past that most of the time, so you end up wanting stuff you can relate to. Still, I'm not like I used to be, though I still watch Comedy Central and Seinfeld like there's no tomorrow.
I also saw Dancer driving her car on the way home. She helped me get cut off by a BMW, which ticked me off. It really pisses me off the way that everyone just up and abandoned me. The only thing I like is that I don't have to hear her call me a spoiled brat and then want to sock her face in and say "It's only because my mother died, you idiot! You were my friend at the time, you should know!". I'm tired of everyone thinking I like not having worked to earn pretty much everything I have. You know, I would love to have a decent job so I could buy a car of my own, because even though that car is mine, and even though I endured years of emotional abuse from my Mom, I still don't feel like I've earned it. I feel like I've lost more than I ever gained in her death sometimes. This house is so fucking dirty and I don't know how to clean some of the stuff and other stuff I don't have anything to clean with. It just makes me cry to know I can never live in a nice house ever again, at least until I get my own house and learn to clean. It also sucks to have no one to talk to about girl problems, like liking a boy and stuff. Just writing this is choking me up.
Anyway, I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore. More so than usual. You know, I'm sorry that I have a car, and some guitars and a computer that is mine. I know that I seem spoiled, that my Dad takes care of my car and doesn't make me pay. I know that I get more than many people my age, but that doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, that doesn't mean I don't deserve respect, that doesn't mean I don't have feelings and it doesn't mean that I don't want friends or a boyfriend. Just because I'm not like everyone else in what I like and what I do, doesn't mean that I am not the same as everyone else in that I am human, I just want to find a place where people can recognize that and look past my problems and see that I am worthy of the friendship and love that I want.
I really just want someone to share all this stuff with. I want someone to listen to cds with, so I'm not the only one singing along. I don't like being the only person I know who likes these bands, it makes me feel like I come from another country. There are more people around here who listen to country music than what I listen to, even though if you ask anyone around here, they will deny it and say "Country is awful!". They're full of it, because NONE of them like rock music that I like. It gets irritating after a while. The only scene around here is the pop punk scene that seems to flourish everywhere, were every band sounds like Blink 182 or Green Day, even though those bands already exist. There are some good bands around here, but most of them suck.
I'm just glad that I'm moving, because I can't take most of the people here and I never want to see them again. I'm sick of people thinking I'm a bitch and being disrespectful and insenstive. I just hope that someday I can find people to share the things I like with and know that there's a good chance they will like them or at least still be accepting of me if they don't.
*Racecar*
<< Sunday, Jul. 11, 2004@10:39 p.m.>>