I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, the weekends are horrible for writing. I didn't have a good night at work last night. Some kids threw a stink bomb in my department, where I was standing, and since it only fell a few feet away from me, I thought that it was done on purpose. I got angry and started muttering to myself, offending the two old farts who were in my department. The CSMs that were there heard me, and for some reason, when they asked me what happened, I got even worse. They told me to go up front and talk to the manager, so I did and of course, I got even worse than before. I said that it smelled like ass and that those little brats who did it would get away with it, which they did.
Anyways, they threw stinkbombs in the rest of the store, too. I told them that some bad things had been happening to me lately and that's why I was so upset. This has happened at work two times before, so they were very angry with me and asked me what they should do, as if I'm a damn manager or know how to medically treat myself. I told them about the problem with my hours and they said that they could change them, which pissed me off a bit because my deptarment manager said there was nothing that could be done about it. I told them that I was looking for another job, and they seemed to want me to leave, asking me how far I was in my job search. I've only been looking for a week now, and I've only applied to seven places, though that's a lot for me, especially in a week. I used to do that much in a month before. I guess it just hurt that they were so eager to get rid of me. They treat their employees like shit and I'm not sure how anyone can shop there in good consicence. I really can't wait to see the day (if it comes during my lifetime, that is) when we go back to little shops where the owner of the store is someone who lives in town, and not in a another state or even another country. I just want places like Wal Mart to go away, that stuff seems to ruin society and it seems like the dumbest of the dumb are starting to run things in this world.
The whole thing really disappointed me though. I've been trying to make some progress in my life and have more friends and a boyfriend. That whole thing with Scummy made me feel like a loser, even though everyone I told about it sided with me, it still made me feel bad to realize that most of those people had had at least one good experience with a guy or girl. Most of the people at work have boyfriends and girlfriends, it bugs me to have fallen so far behind socially and mentally. I feel like a little kid in a nineteen year old's body, and even when I look in the mirror, I don't think I look nineteen. I thought I was making progress with the Paxil, everyone I know has said they've seen a change in me, and I've seen less black and blues, which makes me happy. Still, last night felt more like a setback than anything else. Yes, I do want to leave Wal Mart, but I didn't want to burn a bridge when I left and I feel like I have. All the cool kids that I work with now think I'm a weirdo instead of some shy kid.
There was this cute boy that I liked there (actually, there were three, but this one I feel I had a bit of a chance with), he reminded me of me if I was a boy. He likes cool bands, drives a nice car (though I still haven't found a person with a car that I like more than mine) and seems like he's a bit of a dork, but a cute dork, not too handsome, but just enough so that he's above average but not a model type. That's the kind of guy I want to be with, because I feel like I could be his equal, and that's essential for me in a guy. He probably saw that and wondered what the hell is going on with me, I was hoping to approach him someday, I'm not sure when that was going to happen, I guess when I felt more confident with myself. I was even planning to wear my Jawbreaker shirt to try and impress him (I know that's dumb, but I really want to impress a guy someday). I'm just frustrated with my social life, that's for sure.
Anyway, I drove home and called Carbon, who came over with her mom and talked to me until my Dad came home. It was nice to know that I have such a good friend, and I hope to hang out with her today when I get up, as I have to go to bed soon. I feel better than I did Sunday, and I'm not crying as I type this, but I am still disappointed with myself. I promised myself if I kept this behavior up that I wouldn't have kids or anything, as I don't want them to turn out like me, but I do want to have kids, because some of the kids who come into work are so cute and nice. I really want to get better so I can live the life I've always wanted, and get out of Coventry (which is going to the rich people fast) and live in the city where I won't have to drive anymore and I can go to concerts, museums, plays and all kinds of fun stuff.
I had to scream at my car today because the air conditioner wasn't working on the way home from the therapist. My Dad didn't figure out why, he thinks it was a fluke, which is good because I've decided I want to get a treadmill to work out on while I watch tv (I love to walk). I yelled at the car that I was going to get a Honda and get rid of it. That apparently worked for my car, because when I went to apply at Target tonight with my Dad (in case the car acted crazy), it was running just fine. My Dad told me not to tell the car that or else I would jinx it, but I think my car knows that the whole Honda thing is just an idle threat. I'm not sure my Dad would like me having a Japanese car, he's never owned one himself, which kind of suprises me, he seems to like Nissans the most. I saw an ad for the new Rabbit just now and it made me think of my Dad's old car, I hope he gets it back soon. By the way, the new Rabbit looks really cool, it honestly looks nicer than the Jetta, I wish my Dad would get one of those instead, the whole Jetta thing makes me feel like he's copying me.
I'm going to go to bed now. I'll write when I can. Good night.
*Racecar*
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