I never thought that something I knew was coming would hurt so much. I called Fakir the other day, about to ask him if he wanted to hang out sometime. He was at the homecoming game, because he's in the marching band. It was really loud, and I was about to tell him to just call me back when the game was over, when I heard a click. I honestly think he hung up on me, because I could hear him okay even though the crowd was loud. Basically, it didn't sound like reception was a problem, you can usually hear/tell when someone is about to drop out. I wish phones would tell you when a call is dropped. I'm not sure if mine does or not, but I don't think so. Still, it'd be a nice feature to have, to know whether or not someone hung up on you or the phone lost service.
Anyway, I called him later on in the day. The phone only rang three times this time, and then went to voicemail. He basically hit the ignore button on me. I left a message anyway, and since I was in my car, it was pretty quiet (except for the nearby rumbling of a motorcycle) and I spoke clearly, though with some filler words (like um). He didn't call me at all on Sunday, and I doubt he'll call me at all.
The thing is, it's bothering me. I don't know why, either. I called him before and he did the same thing, though Blake was barking while I talked, which caused me to start talking fast. I figured he hadn't heard me correctly, so that's why he never called. I think he knows how I feel, it's kind of obvious. Why would I try to talk to him out of the blue like that? Or get his number and then call him about a stupid concert? It's not like we talked in school. The only reason I waited until I graduated was so I wouldn't have to see his face if he hurt me. I don't regret waiting, I'm not sure the me from last year could've handled the stress of that, along with all the other things (like graduation projects and shitty cars/computers/parents).
Not that I'm handling it well now, either. I was sad and slow at work today. I got mad at a friend over something kind of stupid (but it's Nad and he's laid back, so I'm not in too much trouble). The first song I heard at work this morning was a Beatles song. I really didn't want to hear it, I don't want to hear them for a while at least. They're Fakir's favorite band, and when I heard "Penny Lane" at work after I talked to him, I thought it was a sign.
I'm just tired of guys not giving me a chance. I wasn't rude to him. I didn't tell him anything stupid, like the daydreams I had about him. I didn't ask him any really personal questions. I tried not to talk about myself too much, because I was genuinely interested in what he was saying. I've tried to lose weight. I've tried to work on my music more, even rereading my old theory books and trying new chords in my writing. I realize that I would need to keep in step with him, as a woman, as a musician. Now he hasn't even given me a chance.
I just wanted to talk to him outside of school, outside of the stupid cell phones. I wanted to hear his laugh at something I said or did, even if it was embarrassing to me. I wanted to see that pretty smile. I wanted to play music with him. I wanted to hold his hand, go to concerts with him. Go to the Museum of Science and show him that I'm a member there (to show how smart I am, see?). I wanted him to see all the mes there are, not just the one he saw at school.
I don't know if it's me or if it's him or both. I'm kind of tired of college boys. I remember in Clueless, Cher always made it seem like college boys were so mature. They're not. They're so into themselves and sex and stuff. They don't care how a girl feels, they just get what they want and get out. I'm not saying they're all like that, but 75% of them are, I swear. And I keep running into all of them. I honestly don't give someone a chance if they give me a reason not to, and it just seems so damn easy. Not being able to write properly in English, drinking like a fish, liking metal (seriously? It all sounds like wanking off to me, sorry.).
Then I see those literate guys, the ones who like the NBC Thursday comedies (except Outsourced, no one likes that show), the ones who like awesome bands like The Thermals, the ones who are just so cute, I feel kind of guilty looking at them. And they ignore me, of course. I just have no idea. And seeing girls I went to school with getting engaged, married, or even just in long term relationships doing fun things, I feel jealous. Heck, even when a girl gets more attention from guys than I do I get jealous.
I feel so frustrated. I really don't want to be the real life version of the 40 year old virgin. It's even weirder when you're a girl, honest. I hate going to the obgyn and getting treated like a little girl. They minus well give me a lollipop, the way they talk down to you because you don't want to screw some guy who can't read because he slept through English class and now needs you to play Mommy to him because his Mom doesn't care anymore. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. My fears about this stuff just get worse and worse with every passing year. And I feel so alone in all of it, too. Like, even my Dad has someone and he doesn't even clean his bathroom.
All I know is this: I keep watching In Living Color skits on YouTube because I'm too cheap to buy the DVDs, I keep crying for no reason over stupid stuff, I'm really angry with Fakir, I really want someone to talk to, and I don't know what to do about anything. Not finding a job, not paying for my car, not finding a boyfriend, not getting out of this house or RI. Not being a real composer. I don't know anymore. I wish I had chosen something with a real job path, like a nurse. Composers are a sad lot, and I can live a life like Beethoven, but there's no guarantee I'll make amazing music in the process. Good night.-*Rukia*
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