These past few days have been kind of depressing. I feel really bad for my Dad sometimes like now, and all the shit that I put him through. He says it's part of being a Dad but it makes me feel bad anyway. I kind of felt angry after what my guitar teacher said on Friday, he said that he felt that I wasn't passionate about music and that if I wasn't I should quit. It really hurt my feelings and pissed me off and my other teacher who I saw today thought that it was a stupid thing to say. I honestly don't like taking lessons from him and having him criticize me like that and I have to wonder if he does this to his other students. It had me upset all weekend and I've been thinking about quitting. Does anyone think I'm not passionate about music and that I should quit? I would really like to move out of my house and make some good friends and such.
I was honestly pretty upset about the usual shit today though. I kind of hate having to watch guys that I like fall for girls who aren't me and then do nice things for those girls. I hate the way that I've never had a guy love me or want to be around me. It just really makes me feel like I'm not as good as all the other girls out there because it seems like every girl can get a boyfriend these days. I have to wonder what age I will be when I get a boyfriend, I feel like I'll be forty or something, you know what I mean? It just sucks seeing couples holding hands and making out at school and just feeling like shit because even if you're stupid enough to make out with someone in public, you can't. I just feel like I'll never have good relationships with other people, especially guys and it makes me really depressed, which I know it stupid. I'm also tired of people calling me gay because I don't have a boyfriend, it just really fucking hurts more and just kind of rubs it in. My Mom thought I was gay and my Grandma said it last week. I'm not and I just have a hard time with guys and people in general, there isn't a guy on Earth right now who would be attracted to me and yes it makes me feel like shit.
I'm just really tired of everything right now and I just want to go to bed for the rest of the year and not have to deal with people or school. I just hope that things will get better over time and that things won't seem so bleak. It just seems like everything I thought would go one way went the other. I should have seen the whole thing with the guy I like coming from a mile away, but I'm ignorant and stupid when it comes to guys. I worry I'll end up desparate like some of the people I know. I just don't feel like writing anymore right now.
I have to look up some junkyards for my car door. I want to try and get it this week if I can. I'm going to watch I Love the 80's 3D and then go to bed. It's not in 3D by the way, which really sucks. What a dumb idea, it would've been cool if they actually did it, but they didn't. I'm a little disappointed in VH1, and in MTV2 for showing Beavis and Butthead clips but not the whole show. I feel like I'm the only person who wishes they would show that show again, I don't know anyone else who watched it as a kid like I did. I wish I had had conservative parents, it seems like everyone else had them. That kind of makes me feel shitty, too, like they didn't care enough about me to try to protect me from bad stuff by locking me in, and just letting me run wild with cable tv and a Sega Genesis in my room. I feel so abnormal sometimes. Goodnight.
*Racecar*
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