I feel like Captain Murphy in the Sealad 2021 episode, "Radio Free Sealab". I just feel like walking around my house saying how bored I am. I called Carbon yesterday to see what she was up to, and I mentioned how in class on Friday this girl was talking about a Muppets Christmas special that the Fraggles (from Fraggle Rock) were on and no one (including me) knew what she was talking about. Well, Carbon told me she had it on tape and I was like: "Oh, that's cool maybe someday I can go over your house and watch it." She asked me if I was busy tomorrow and I said no, so she said I could come over tomorrow and I said I would. She told me she would be online and when I went online last night, she wasn't and she isn't now, either.
I've called her a bunch of times, three times on her house phone and once on her cell phone (I don't like wasting people's minutes and I figured she would pick up). No answer and she never checks her caller id (if she still has one, I'm not sure) and she probably doesn't realize that I've called her a bunch of times. She's probably completely forgetten what she said, like she always does and like everyone friend I've ever fucking had has done.
I don't get how I can never merit an inch of space in someone's memory. I feel like I am destined to spend the rest of my life trying to be close to people. When I do feel close to them they will push me away and forget me for good, like the never knew me at all. I'll remember them because I have nothing better to do with my life, as my weekends consist of homework and filing my car up with gas. I feel like ripping the seats out of my car and selling them because I know that they will never be used. I see girls with their friends and boyfriends in cars all the time and mine is ALWAYS empty. I could use the money to buy some new glasses so I can actually see right for about ten seconds, then my prescrption will change again.
I'm just really irritated with myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel very trapped and I hate college. I want to drop out and move to New York City, even if I have to live on the streets, at least there will always be something to see and do. I can get away from all the people I don't want to see. I think I would even get rid of my computer, because it is making me depressed. It seems like everyone is making new friends and I feel stupid because I'm not. I can't even get a damn job, it's like my life is a record stuck on repeat and I'm just going through the same things over and over again.
I really just want to sleep through today and tomorrow and the next five years because they seem like they will just be a living hell for me. I'm always going to have a hard time finding a job becuase no one trusts me or knows me. I think I want to try and get a telemarketing job because those places seem like they will hire anyone even if you don't have exprience doing telemarketing. I want to work full time, because I don't like coming home to an empty house every night and I don't care about sleep anymore. I'm so sick of taking care of myself and never getting anything in return. I still get sick and I'm not any happier so I figure I minus well work myself down to nothing so I can at least have my own money to put gas in my German pig of a car.
I'm just really depressed and I hate Valentine's Day, I know it's not right but I do. I mean, if you think about society, couples already benefit from a bunch of stuff. They get tax benefits when they are married, they actually have stuff to do on Friday and Saturday nights (although so do people with lives) and they always have each other. I'm just irritated to see that so many people out there are closely bonded with another person, even if they are just friends. I can't seem to keep a bond with anyone and I think it means there is something wrong with me. You hear people talking about being friends since they were little and all that. I've never had that and it always made me feel weird.
I just want that, I'm not even going to care about my future anymore, because it just feels like I have none. I work hard and always end up with nothing or things I really don't want. I just want to be close to someone or multiple people (I mean friends). I really want that right now, I don't really care about anything else. I'm tired of trying to talk about things I like and have no one get them, I bet no one gets half of what I've written. I'm just having one of those days where I'm mad becuase things are always like this for me and it never seems to change. I feel like the same damn person I was when I started this diary and if I remember properly, the first entry was about being abandoned by a friend.
I don't know what to do with the rest of my day. It feels like a big waste now so I'm going to go and get gas for my car. Do you think you get better mileage when it's always fricking empty? I really hate MTV2, I thought it was cool but I'm sick of the dumb rock guy who can't look at the camera and the dumb rock bands who all wear more makeup than I do. I miss Fuse because at least they played indie rock and I hate the way the bastards at Viacom don't want any competition and that's why we only have MTV, VH1 and BET, because they're all owned by them. Competiton is the best, though I always lose at it, obviously. I'm just really irritated and I don't know how to deal with it. No one is reading this, at least I don't think anyone is. Bye.
*Racecar*
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