Hello everyone. I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm kind of mostly just in the mood to think about things right now. I haven't been doing much at all, I'm sure you can tell by that. I guess it's cause the radio is playing "Amsterdam" by Guster and it just reminds me of the summer of 2003 and how it started off really crappy. Whenever I hear that song I think of how mad I was at some people and how Carbon helped me by hanging out with me pretty much everyday. I really miss her. I tried to call her today but the two times I tried, she wasn't home. I kind of miss having a best friend and someone to talk to everyday. I miss waking up and knowing what I was doing and actually having a reason to wake up early. I notice that when I don't have a reason to wake up early, which I haven't lately, I stay up late and sleep late, too.
I really hate getting up late, I feel like I've already wasted and blown the day. I don't know why but I think that has been bumming me out a bit lately. I'm just really confused about what I'm doing right now and for some reason I feel really sick, but I don't know why. I guess I've just been feeling weird in general lately. Is it normal to be in college and not know exactly where you are going or where you want to be? I feel so confused about this kind of stuff right now. I'm not really sure what's going on with me, but I can't wait until school starts again because it really sucks to spend long periods of time with nothing to do and I really like being exhausted out of my mind sometimes.
I've been worried lately, too and I don't know why. There's this part of me that honestly just wants out of here because I feel like I'm spending too much of my time being uncomfortable around the people I used to know. I just really want to start over and I don't know why, because I don't know if that would do me any good. I want to be in a band, I wish I knew how to talk to people, and I wish that there were more girls who play guitar and stuff. I really want to be in a punk band because I like punk, but I don't look it at all. I just look like some snotty psuedo popular girl who should be shopping at Express, which I do.
I'm sorry if I sound really bummed out, I kind of am but I'm just mostly confused about everything, even about how I feel. I know that some of my feelings are bothering me and it's just so impossible to feel happy and good. It's like I'm trying to do the impossible. I'm even having a hard time typing, I'm not sure why. I have a really big problem with change and I don't know why. I put my first cd that I got (well, originally, I don't have the first copy anymore) and I realized I don't like it anymore and I can't figure out why or why I even liked it in the first place. That bothers me, I just want something to be stable and mean a lot to me and stay. I also want it to be acceptable to say a lot without people thinking it's a piece of land, why can't it just be an expression? I'm so used to saying it that I just don't want to say anything else.
I'm sorry I probably sound bipolar right now. I just feel so weird and it seems like there aren't enough words to explain it. I feel dirty and I know why I do, I literally feel dirty, my room is a mess and I'm a mess. I feel so sapped of energy and the will to do everything that I need and have to do. I'm so worried that I will never really do any of it because I feel so weak most of the time. I wonder how many other people out there don't have their lives under control and are just freaking out about it, because that's how I feel right now.
I think I'm going to have to spend Monday trying to clean my room because it is making me feel very filthy and it's driving me nuts and I don't know why. Is it normal for teenagers to have messy rooms? Am I even still a teenager? I don't really want to be an adult because I don't feel like one. I don't have a job, I don't have many friends, I just worry that I can't be an adult like I need to be.
I'll try to write more tomorrow.I'm sorry if it sounds so weird, it's just there's so many weird thoughts that have been going through my head because of vacation, which I now hate. I just don't like having all this damn free time. It makes my life seem so boring and it's always the same stuff that I do. I know most people aren't living exciting lives, but still, I just feel really weird about the way I am. I'm going to stop writing now, I think it might be making me feel worse. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Saturday, Jan. 15, 2005@9:55 p.m.>>