So, here it is. The last official day of summer. I thought it was yesterday, but school doesn't start until the third. It's already shaping up to be a confusing and possibly frustrating semester. I can't take guitar ensemble for any remote credit, so I might not take it at all. I'm going to be spending my Tuesday nights at URI again, which sucks. I also can't find a time for my composition lessons, which means I might have to drop two more of my classes. I don't know what to do anymore, because I think if I drop them both, I would be under the amount of classes I need for full time.
I actually was feeling okay about the semester until I checked my e-mail tonight. I have no idea what is going on, or when any of this will be taken care of. I know I have some stuff to straighten out at work tomorrow night, which I'm not totally looking forward to (who would blame me?). I also have to call UMass and bitch at them, I'm not sure why, it's not my fault that I called them four times in the course of a month and they never got back to me. I also have to call my guitar teacher and figure out when our lessons are going to be and e-mail my other guitar teacher and let him know what is going on. I hate playing guitar sometimes. It's not just that there's a bajillion people out there who play, most of them better than me. It's that I can't play with other people outside of school, or even in school, for that matter. I wish I had stuck with the damned flute sometimes. I'd be killer by now.
I feel a little depressed today. I mean, I'm not going to graduate for a while. I'm still alone. I feel really alone tonight, too. I mean, I remember this guy used to say that we are all alone, we're all just one soul in one body, but I don't really believe that. It seems to me that two people can be so connected to each other that they don't feel lonely all the time, because they know that other person is around, that other person will understand them. It's a connection that I always thought existed, and I think I know friends who have that connection with people. I have yet to find anyone who I could have a connection with, at least one that lasted. I know I have cared for people, and felt connections to them, and feelings for them, but it never lasted. It was never a mutual feeling.
This summer has been beneficial, at least partly, for me. I mean, I think I've at least started to realize my dream, even though it feels like I'm late to the party when it comes to that. I feel like I'm more mature. I don't get mad as much or as quickly as I used to. I just worry that it is not enough of a change, or that it's not a permanent thing.
I have to wonder what caused it, too. I wonder what it was that made me a bit less tightly wound. I wish I could thank whatever it is, recommend it to others, but I can't even say what it was. I just feel that I am in a better place than I was last year, even if things aren't going right for me right now. Even if I don't know what path I am truly on, I feel like I will find it someday. I even feel like there is someone out there for me, someone who will love and understand me.
I sometimes wonder if I haven't met anyone because I don't need to. Maybe my friends need someone to fall back on, or someone to be beside them. Maybe I don't, or maybe I am just not ready for it. I do feel like having someone would help me, but it would only be good if we were both at the same point in our lives.
There are two guys that I like right now. One of them probably likes me, at least I think he does. I'm not sure if we would get along, he is religious and I am not. I feel like we could be together, but I'm not sure if it would take a lot on my part or his, or both. I'm not entirely sure that I could care for him in the way I would want to, let alone how he could/would/does feel about me. I'm not as anxious to see him as I was almost four months ago (it feels like yesterday, too).
The other boy, well, it's an odd and long story. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work out, and I don't know if I would want it to. He's a very sweet guy and kind of cute, too. Sometimes I feel like I really like him, but other times I feel like I only admire him and am confusing that feeling with love. I'm not sure about him, he's a puzzle to me. He has a girlfriend, though I'm not sure how serious it is. Part of me hopes he ends up with her, just so I can see him happy, but part of me wants him to be single again, so I can think about him and me without feeling guilty in some way. Don't worry, I wouldn't do or say anything to him, I decided against that five months ago, after I had liked him for a few months.
Anyway, I want to do some writing on my story, and I want to go to bed early. The new Bleach volume is coming out tomorrow, and I want to get it. I think I'm going to get one or two books a week, until I get all of them. I'd like to have them all before book 25 comes out on December 2nd. I feel silly for liking it so much, but it's escapism for me, and I can't think of a character in that manga that isn't interesting in some way. I also want to get season 4 of the Office and watch some of it. I miss that show, and 30 Rock, too. Who doesn't love those shows? I wanted to get Spaced on DVD sometime soon, too. Maybe for my birthday.
Oh, and I want to warn you all. This month is probably going to be a bit sucky for me, with my cousin's wedding, the Ben Folds concert that I can't go to, work, a school schedule that I have a 99% chance of loathing to death. But, October is my month. I hope everyone remembers that, because I intend to have some serious fun that month. I'm going to go to a concert (I'm not sure when, where or how yet), I'm going to go to the Providence Anime Confrence (which I hope is fun) and a bunch of cool books and movies are coming out. I just get the feeling I'm going to have fun that month, or at least try to. So, I want to claim that month as mine before any of you go and try and take it for yourselves. Just you wait and see, it's going to be awesome, so awesome, I'll be knocked out all November and December. I think it's partly true, I get this good vibe from October and I also am partly telling myself that to get through this month in one piece. Bye.-*Racecar*
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