Today I got both of my books from the library and I read through most of the two of them and they will hopefully help me out. I honestly don't think my paper is going to well because I am trying to just add on to what I already have, but I am doing so without being on the same computer as what I'm adding to, so I'm thinking of putting them together soon. I have eleven pages now, so I just need to add two more pages, and then I can put it all together and add to introduction and conclusion to make it all come together just right. I'm going to have to read through the whole thing, but I really think I will need to get it done on Wednesday, so I'm going to try and add another page tomorrow, since I added one today and one yesterday. I've been writing without spacing, and I think with double spacing it will double what I have. I also have to put my last name and page number at the top of every page after the first one, so that will probably add a little bit.
I've been really angry at myself lately. I would like to make a confession here, but please don't anyone laugh at me. I've been sucking my thumb at night and I don't know why. I've been wearing my retainer at night to make sure that I don't. Well, it had been working for about six years, but I think my retainer is loose. I also think I've been under a ton of stress, which I am still under. I'm not sure what to do about it though, and I wonder if anyone out there has any ideas. You don't know how mad about it I've been, I just get so mad at myself for being weird. I tightened up my retainer but I don't know if it will work or not. I really hope it does because it just makes me feel worse about myself, because it doesn't seem common, whereas alcoholism does. It's like some addiction I have, but I can't cut my thumb off, I have to live with it there and I feel like crap because it seems like no one else has this problem.
I've also been beating myself up about not having many friends or a boyfriend. I just never seem to attract very many good people, and the ones who I do attract always seem to leave and never tell me why. Carbon has always been very vague about why she rarely calls and sometimes I feel like she is hiding stuff from me, but I don't know why. I don't think it's me and I really hope it's not me. I always have this feeling that I am some kind of weirdo and that no one else is like me. I don't know where it comes from but I just wish it would go away. I want to get another therapist but I don't know who or how to get one, because I hated calling those places up in September and getting yelled at because they weren't taking more patients, like it was my fault! They also told me to go to Kent Hospital if it was an emergency, but that place smells like piss and I've had a bad experience there. I just feel like no one knows how to handle me as a person and everything I want people to say to me is always the opposite of what they do say.
I also feel bad because, and I know this is dumb, but I don't think I can have kids. I know I shouldn't worry about it now, but I feel bad if I end up with a guy who wants kids and I can't have any. It would just make me feel really inadequate, like it's my fault. I have problems right now with that stuff, mainly my cyst that does not want to go away, and so I can only imagine that there is something wrong, but I don't know what or why. I also think pms is really screwing with my head right now, because all I want is ice cream, but I like the plain vanilla stuff and it seems like no one likes ice cream plain, just like how I don't know anyone else who doesn't pour milk into their cereal.
Today was okay though. It was really nice, but it was like an oven in my car. They don't make Jettas in dark green anymore, I noticed that there were NONE in the new style, or even the old one, at the dealerships I've been to. I really think the new one would look nice in dark green. I wanted to get a dark green one when I get another car, it kind of bums me out that I can't.
I'm also irritated because they are taking away my entire weekends at work now. I'm working on Friday nights as well, and Thursday nights. Four days in a row with training videos of women with annoying Southern accents and people asking me the dumbest questions, like "Where are the baby pajamas?", even though I work in shoes and have no experience with babies. I just really don't want to lose my whole weekend to that stupid place, even though I spend my Friday nights doing homework, it still gives me time to unwind and possibly hang out with someone once in a while.
All this stuff is causing me to break out really badly, so I'm going to put some pimple pads on my face, before people start telling me to stop holding my breath. I'm that red! I feel kind of ugly right now, I always feel ugly wearing little clothing, and I don't know why. I'm just not comfortable without a jacket on and I feel like everyone must think that I am fat, becuase that is what I see when I look at myself. I'm glad I got to get some of that out, I feel like I can never talk to my Dad anymore and my Grandma overreacts when it comes to pretty much everything. She says I don't eat enough, but I ate three meals today, which I thought was normal, and I'm not much of a snacker. I'm kind of bummed that I missed the Red Sox game today. I really want to go and see that World Series banner for myself, though my Dad doesn't seem to want to go to a game. I'm going to go to bed now. Bye.
*Racecar*
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