Today was an okay day. I woke up late because I was up late last night talking to Lithium online. My Dad put the old exhaust back on my car, and it is okay for now, but in a few weeks the exhaust will be compeletely rusted out. In fact, some rusted parts came out of my muffler when my Dad put it back on. The pipe is all rusted around the edges, too. I can't wait until the new exhaust comes, but it probably won't be put on for another week.
I went to Staples and got some stuff for college. I didn't need much though, I got a planner, a five subject notebook, some pens, a set of pencils and a bunch of pencil lead. I also got a huge 200 page book of staff paper, which I know I'll be using. I went to Stop and Shop and got some food, I hate how it's really the only good market in RI, the others are too expensive. The one in Welfare Town is getting remodeled, so I don't like going there, and they ripped all their magazines out. Am I the only one who reads magazines anymore? Also, why does Cosmo always have a sex article on the cover? I don't like the idea of being in a relationship with a guy and always having to read sex articles and stuff. I think it's just gross that they always put it on the cover because little kids see that, and I think it's up to parents to decide when they want to talk to their kids about sex, if they ever do. The way parents and teenagers are these days, it seems like most kids don't get the sex talk from their parents, I know I didn't. Luckily, there aren't any guys who are interested in me and I don't feel like any will be for a long time. It honestly sucks, but at least I never have to worry about all that dumb crap.
Does anyone like any embarassing songs that you don't want to admit to anyone that you like? I really like this song, but it's a dumb pop punk song that sounds like all the other ones. Everyone mocked the band when they were around because they were on a label notorious for it's shitty roster and they generally just copied all the other pop punk bands that were already around. I don't even want to say who it is, because they do suck and I'll admit that. I almost bought some of their albums, too. I'm sick of pop punk bands, because most of them sound exactly the same, and it pisses me off. I just think they should be more creative, and I hate the way that in high school there were a bunch of local pop punks bands and everyone seemed to like them. They were like zombies, since the bands all sounded so similar to each other and to other bands that were popular. I know Mr. Lambchops didn't really like them, either, but everyone else was like a bunch of zombies for them. I felt really weird for not liking them, but I just wish the bands around this town were more creative, and I do like a few local bands, just not the big ones.
Not much else has gone on. I'm a little worried about school. I wish I could make some new friends there, but it kind of feels like the people there already have their own cliques, it seems like that everywhere. Why do people like to run in inclusive groups and not invite new people in? I just don't get it, I always feel like an outsider.
I also want to write that I have been feeling like a bitch lately. Lithium got mad at me on Tuesday night because they think she has a learning disability. I tried to compare it to my lack on knowledge about music and being in my major with people who've been playing for ten years, becuase she said she had to work harder because of her disability. I know it's not the same, I honestly think I'm becoming stupid. Anyway, she got mad at me and said that it wouldn't matter if I had to spend three years at CCRI and that it wasn't the same. I told her I didn't mean for her to take it that way or get mad at me. She also told me she gets stressed easily because I guess her parents don't want her to be a math major. I felt like such a little snobby bitch, and I feel like that a lot when I talk to her. I almost feel like I subconciously think I'm better than other people when in reality I am not. I worry about that often, even though I feel like I am shit compared to most girls my age becuase guys don't like me and most girls my age won't be my friend and usually pity me. I don't know, I feel like I have been really bad lately, even with that kid, though I deleted my MySpace and started a new one, which I'll probably message him from and then I'll get rid of that one. I think I'm not eveng going to bother with that site, I don't want any guys bothering me because I want to meet a guy in person who is going to college and who has goals in life. I'm honestly too fucking picky when it comes to pretty much everything.
I'm frustrated with myself right now. I think I'm going to go talk to my Dad and try to get a therapist appointment on Friday. Is it okay for me to think that I can deal with my problems without meds? I hate going to therapists who push meds on me because I always feel like I will be wasting my life trying to find a good one. I worry I might never or I'll just be using them to get around my problems instead of actually solving them. I don't want to be like my Mom, who had to stop taking her pills when she was pregnant with me. I don't want to be on pills all of my life and not be able to control myself without them. It just seems like I shouldn't have to feel like shit for a few years because I can't find the right pills. Does anyone know what I mean? That, and the health care system in this country is pure shit and no one gives a fuck about fixing it because they are so worried about their SUVs and putting gas in them. I wish I was president, because those damn car companies wouldn't be selling ANY SUVs, because they are pointless and ugly. I'm sorry, but it just pisses off people like me who drive normal cars and can't see over the fucking things with the fat 300 pound person with their arm out because the air is broken. Grrr!
I'm just feeling kind of weird tonight. I'll write more on Friday because I won't do much tomorrow. My Dad is going to look at the prices of rotors so my car stops drinking brake fluid, consider that is more expensive than gas (I'm using actual VW brake fluid, not the chep stuff). It seems like fixing the car will cost more than the car is worth, but it's my fault. I feel like a fucking idiot lately, a bitchy, evil idiot. Good night.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2005@10:16 p.m.>>