Ugh. Tough day, very tough day. FiFi can't talk to me anymore, I can't even come over to her house. I don't fully understand why, and I think I should probably just stop caring.
My mom and my grandma called her and yelled at her, and now her mom is mad, and, of course, I am everyone's favorite scapegoat. So, now I have lost a friend, but, it doesn't matter to anyone, except for me, that is.
Why, who the hell should care? I'm just some girl who tries to be nice to people, who tries to do everything she can, and ends up getting punished. Why? Because my fucking mother is a nut case and deserves to die. I know that's a mean thing to say, but she has cost me so many friends and caused me so much pain, that I honestly don't want her around anymore.
I don't want anyone anymore. All I've learned these past years is this: it is wrong for me to want anyone. I'll prove it to you. How many people would want to go out with such a strange girl, one with an obviouse mental problem? I don't even think I'd want to put Whorehay (his real name, mispelled, of course) through this kind of thing, why should I do that with anyone else?
I really can't be bothered with any of it. I don't care, because all of this shit is only going to end anyway. I'm only going to lose anyone I'm friends with now in some odd way. I really wish that Hydrogen would be able to spend tomorrow with me, I need someone to talk to, anybody, who won't tell me how crazy everyone in my family is. I need someone to make me feel like I'm not some awful monster.
There was honestly a time in my life, when I thought I was a monster, the worst person in the world. Worse than all the child molesters, kidnappers, murders, rapists, bank robbers and people who work at Microsoft combined. I thought that I must've been a bad person, since I had no friends, and everyone made fun of me. Right now, I'm starting to question if that isn't true.
I wish someone would reaffirm my belief that I'm not a bad person. That people would quit telling me how awful my friends are, how awful I am, and everything. I wish I had someone who knew me for a long time, who understood all of this, and who would know what to do. I just wish I could feel like I'm not so bad after all, like I really am appreciated by everyone I've broken my back for.
I can't help but want someone to care about me, someone who will listen to me and be around when I need them. I don't think there is a person in this world right now who would do any of that, though. I don't know why, but everyone has been driven away from me, just like always. I want to rip myself to pieces, and find the inside part of me that is scaring everyone away. This is one of those days where I want to rip my soul out and chop it to pieces, and serve it to people, just to get rid of it.
Ugh. I miss the guy I like, I miss my friends, I'm tired of being this way. If anyone out there has anything that might make me feel better, let me know. Bet you noticed I broke my vow to not want anybody anymore, several times in this entry. I hate being a softie and I love to swear. Does anyone know what's wrong with me? Any therapists out there? I can't win. I just can't win.
Your insane friend in the sky,
*Grape*Cloud*
<< Thursday, Aug. 22, 2002@9:59 p.m.>>