I slept in today and yet I'm still tired. Fry was all over my bed last night, scratching my pillow and even my hair. I can't wait until he goes to the vet to get neutered and spends Thursday night there. I can finally get some sleep and he'll hopefully be more calm afterward, too.
Today I didn't do very much. I praticed piano, though there are some things that I forgot. I might have to take a few lessons to remember them. I found out the fridge is screwed up and is freezing random things in our house. I also got some stuff I needed, like money to pay my credit card bill off.
I'm kind of mad because I was supposed to see a psychiatrist Friday when his office called yesterday. The secretary told me I have a $750 deductable on my insurance that I would have to pay BEFORE my insurance would pay for any of my visits. She also told me they were a out of network provider and that my copay would be more like thirty dollars instead of twenty five. She told me I would have to pay for all of my visits on my own until I met the $750 limit, and that my first visit, which was supposed to be on Friday, was going to be $200. Right now I am trying to save up for school and get my car fixed. I have to have about four thousand dollars to do that, if not a couple hundred more. There is no way I can afford to spend $750 to take some pills that might not even help me. That just ruined my day yesterday and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I did let it get to me.
I called my Grandma, which only upset her more. I hurt my finger and have a few black and blues from beating myself up. I also ended up making an appointment with someone else, and they aren't on my plan, but they were only going to charge me fifty dollars. They were supposed to call me this morning, but like everyone else who was supposed to call, they never did.
Anyway, my Dad talked to the guy at his work, the one at Human Services who knows the health plan, and he said that it was a $250 deductable and that I would have to pay about $50 for my first few appointments until I met the deductable and then I would pay my copay. He also said the pyschicatrist that I cancelled the appointment with was in the network even though they said they weren't. He called the secretary to tell her all of that stuff, and she was supposed to call me and let me know so I could make another appointment. Well, she didn't, so I left a message on the machine saying she gave me the wrong information about my health insurance and that I wanted to reschedule my appointment.
I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore, just that everything is driving me crazy these days. I think I'm going to move to Canada when I graduate, or maybe Europe, because healthcare in this country is insane and I seem to find every incompetant secretary in this damn state. It's just frustrating me lately and that's just adding to my frustration with everything else.
I also got asked out at work yesterday. I lied to the guy and told him I had a boyfriend. I was ready to tell him it was Koa if he called me bluff. I even have Koa's phone number (he gave it to me about a year ago, I think he was just being nice, but Carbon thinks he liked me) and know a bunch of stuff about him. I think I could say he's my boyfriend and be believable, and I don't think too many people in my town know him because he lives in Exeter and went to school there. I have to admit I like Koa, so saying he's my boyfriend is just wishful thinking. I thought it was weird how he looked suprised when I said I had a boyfriend. Why is that so suprising? I hate the way guys there think I'm some quiet girl and when I tell them I'm a jazz guitar player who likes Jawbreaker (that's an oxymoron right there, or at least it reads like one) they seem to think I'm lying.
Anyway, I said no to him because I'm not attracted to him. Yet, I don't get asked out often, so after I said that, I felt guilt right away. I guess I just worry that another guy might not ask me out, which I know is odd. I also feel shallow for not liking the guy because he's not cute. I feel shallow for wanting to date a cute guy, because the guys I find cute are the guys that every girl finds cute. Those guys are always so snobby to me, too, they always make me feel like I am beneath them and like I'll never be good enough no matter what I do. I think about guys too damn much, but it's hard when everyone I know seems to be able to find at least one person to go out with when I can't even find one guy who I want to date who will date me, too.
I seriously think I might be retarded because I'm so damn slow in making up my mind about things. It's not like I regret my choices often, though sometimes I wonder if this whole music thing is bs for me. I just wonder what anyone reading this thinks, but none of you have ever heard me play, unless Carbon is reading this, which I doubt.
I'm tired so I'm probably going to put another cd in my computer and then go to bed. I think I could stay up all night if I tried, I'll probably do that someday when I have nothing to do. Good night.
*Racecar*
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