Dear Tristan,
I have no idea what is going on as of late. I never hear from you anymore and I don't know why. I want to ask you, but I don't know what to say. I hope it is not because I may or may not have implied that I like you or like talking to you, you seem to be afraid of that word. I would never mention the l word around you, or even imply it. Yes, I still like you, I always will, but you'll probably never like me in the same way, so it really doesn't matter how I feel about you.
I love you, I'm sorry for that, I really mean it. I wish I didn't like you, that I didn't turn down other guys for you. I wish that you could sit in my car and listen to music with me. Watch movies and tv shows with me, go to bookstores and cd stores with me. I wish we could geek out about Apples, nice guitars and good cars together. We like the nice things in life, even if neither one of us can afford them or really needs them. I understand you so much and I feel like you could do the same, but you don't understand my feelings. Sometimes I think I am wrong about you.
My friend Katie and I are still not talking. I wrote her and called her and apologized three times and offered to take her out to dinner or make it up to her in some other way. I know I fucked up, but I mean, I just don't understand how she can't accept my apology and move on. Or at least let me know that she thinks I am a fucking piece of shit and she never wants to talk to me again. Either way, I think she should let me know what is going on, because the way things are right now, I feel like our friendship is over. It makes me sad to see something that I thought was so strong and solid be fucked up by my own stupidity. I thought we were best friends and we would be for good, but the way she has treated me lately, it made me lash out, which I think anyone would do, but she doesn't understand that. I shouldn't have done it so publicly, but she didn't even get the part about Bobby tearing us apart unintentionally. I couldn't believe it when she yelled at me for slamming him, when I felt that I hadn't said a bad word about him. Sometimes I wonder if she understands me anymore as well as she used to. Has this ever happened to you?
Not much else is going on with me. I think about you everyday, hoping to hear from you. I am still reading that book I told you about and I love it. I bought another one like it, I'll tell you about it when I start reading it. It goes from the beginning of punk to the grunge era.I think it will be a good read, I like to read about music. I am thinking of becoming a music composition major, but it seems really hard, though I think I would love to compose music for movies and tv and stuff. I like to listen to scores and think about how they are written. I love music so much, Tirstan, it would break my already broken heart to not have it be a part of my life.
I got my old computer back. I need to start using it, since my new one got water on it and no longer works. What the fuck is wrong with me?!? I wish I knew. My friend Rick is trying to set me up with one of his friends, I am not sure how it will work out. I am so scared to think about dating a guy and all that it entails. I am kind of worried that his friends are ugly or something. I saw some of them and they are not my type. I am such an old romantic. Twenty and never been kissed, I worry I will become a weirdo of some sort, and the thought scares me. Yet, I don't want to be with the wrong guy, either. I want to be with a guy I like who likes me, who is everything that I need and deserve. I want to be with a guy just like you, but that stuff never happens in real life, only in movies and stuff. I'll write you a real letter later today, or tomorrow, if I have time. Bye!-Kate
<< Thursday, Jun. 14, 2007@11:57 p.m.>>