I can't believe it's been 19 days since I last updated my diary here. It only feels like a week or two to me. These past few weeks have been kind of odd. I went to the cookout my Dad's girlfriend had for me, and it was okay. The girl that was there that was my age was kind of aloof to me, and she gave me this whole spiel about wanting to hang out, but didn't give me her #, even though her phone was in her hand. I got the feeling that her grandma (my Dad's girlfriend) was putting her up to it, and I felt guilty about it. Yes, I could use more friends, but I don't want someone hanging out with me because someone else is making them. I mean, we might get along, I tend to be shy when I first meet new people, but we might not. Plus she might not have a good time because she'll be forced into hanging out, and I don't think people enjoy things they are forced into doing.
That day, I mentioned to my Dad that we should go looking at cars the next day. Which we did, going to a few used car lots and then the Mini Cooper dealership. My Dad ended up putting a down payment on a Mini Cooper, and set up a deal so that Nigel the Jetta would be traded in. I wasn't sure what to think, because it happened so fast. Just an hour earlier, I was telling him about how I could probably wait another year or two for another car, since Minis aren't cheap, even used. I almost wish I had waited, too, but I guess I can't be certain of that.
So, I spent last Tuesday cleaning out Nigel, and realizing how much I would miss him. All the fun memories I had in the car, all the bad ones and all the things I wish I'd gotten to do. In a way, it's probably for the best that I got rid of Nigel. He was old, had a lot of miles and needed work. Not to mention it finally feels like another break from the past, which is something that I needed. Not that things have really changed for me in this past week, but at least now when I drive around town, no one knows it's me.
I do like the Mini though, it's a silver one with a convertible. But the controls are very different, even from other cars like Fords. The odometer is in the middle of the car, but I also have an electronic one that I use. The inside also has switches for the windows, instead of buttons. It took me about 15 minutes the other night just to set up my clock. The worst thing is that I'm still getting the hang of driving the car, yet I keep getting put into bad situations with it.
Like on Thursday, when I went to the MGM Grand at Foxwoods with R to see Cirque Jungle. I'd never been there before and it was hard to get in and out of there, because it's not the same entrance or parking garage as Foxwoods. When they built it, they built a bypass so that Route 2 wouldn't get backed up. Well, navigating that bypass was hard, and the signs for where to go for what were located at the intersections, instead of before them. So, when I got in the wrong lanes, I had to turn around. Not to mention the garage was super full that night, so I had to park on the top level.
The show itself was okay, but it was kind of a Debbie Gibson showcase, which didn't interest me. They did all kinds of tricks, but some of them, like the jumping frogs and bicycle girls, were boring. Since I was tired already, this made me super tired and I nearly fell asleep a few times during the show. Debbie Gibson comes out a bunch of times and sings some songs, including "Only in My Dreams", which they play where I work, so it really didn't interest me (I even had to work early the next morning-ugh). R really liked it, and afterward, I got something to eat in the food court (which was overpriced and crappy) while she talked on and on. Then I went home while R stayed with her Mom and they gambled.
Today I was supposed to meet R at the mall, but I didn't feel like it. I've been feeling frustrated lately because Nad is friends with this girl he likes and so he's been ignoring everyone else to hang out with her, or at least that's how I feel. I was supposed to hang out with him last Tuesday and when I called him, he kind of brushed me off. Then he hung out with her. Not to mention they flirt ALL over my FB Wall, I had to block them both because it was bothering me so much. Apparently she doesn't know he likes her, which means she must be a bit thick, because it's obvious. And annoying. Not to mention I'm a bit jealous because no guy has ever paid that kind of attention to me, and it sometimes seems like that will never happen.
So, I have been working really hard on playing guitar and getting in better shape. I would like to lose about 10 pounds before the summer ends, that should bring me back to a size 8. As far as guitar goes, I have a jury (kind of like a final exam) for my guitar lessons on Thursday. I still have a performance in September at school, which is why I'm trying to get into good shape. I also want to just be a better performer in general. Though I have to admit, classical guitar is kind of boring me right now, and I really want to try playing rock music again, and even writing my own stuff.
I'm going to try and get in touch with Mickey soon, and maybe start hanging out with him once a week to work on rock guitar. I'm kind of rusty on it and wasn't that great to begin with, since I only really played that way for a year or two before I switched to jazz. I think I'll still work on classical stuff as well, just not as much. Though I do need someone kind of watching over me to make sure I'm headed in the right direction. I'm worried once my guitar lessons are over, I might not be motivated to play anymore, or that I'll just do it out of some duty and not out of fun. That's why I'm thinking of going back to rock, at least for a while.
I haven't written any music in a while, which is another thing I need to fix. I think I'm going to try writing everyday for at least thirty minutes, the same way that I exercise. I'll probably try to start doing that tomorrow, although Thursday is the best day for me to do my work. I did start on a second movement to my string quartet, but it really should've been done by now. Without a deadline, I find I have a hard time motivating myself. It worries me, making me think that I might not be cut out for this after all.
Another fear of mine is finding a real job. I haven't really looked for one. I don't know what to look for, or where. Not to mention the good jobs either require experience or a degree, and neither one of them are things I have (and my degree is always in the wrong field, of course). The entry level jobs out there are all in retail or sales, something I don't want to do long term. I can't even afford to do sales short term right now. So I'm not sure what I should be doing. I might have to try and talk to someone at career services at school. I just can't wait until this guitar class is over. Hopefully I can try and prioritize and focus on some things instead of smattering my energy all over the places. I think I can pull through this, but it sometimes feel like my doubts will derail me. Good night.-*Duck*
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