I finally have a bit more time to my own, not that I have done much with it. Today, I woke up around five thirty in the morning, after going to bed a little after midnight. I got home from work around ten thirty at night, and I was pretty angry about some things. It's hard for me to fall asleep when I'm angry or when I've had a bad day, and the days at work keep getting worse and worse because Christmas is so close by and they keep giving me breaks very early or very late. Not to mention I'm often alone and can't keep up with all the things that need to be done. The customers have been super bitchy lately, too. I hate how the holidays always seem to make everyone more selfish than usual. If I could, I would honestly skip Christmas this year. It hasn't meant what it used to mean to me, and I don't know if it ever will.
On Christmas, I often wake up alone. My Dad is usually gone to work, and I have to get dressed to go to my Aunt's sister's house, but since my Aunt is dead, my Grandma doesn't like to go there. I am going there this year, and my Dad will be home, too, but I still am not really looking forward to it. For one thing, we got a new tree this year after Fry destroyed the tree last year (before he died, of course). This new tree was bought at the end of the last Christmas season and I never saw it until my Dad put it up on Friday. It honestly looks like garbage. The branches are super far apart and the tree is very unstable because my Dad didn't secure it with the bolts like he was supposed to, and I don't know that he will because he's lost the bolts. When I tried to decorate it, it nearly fell on me. Chloe has already torn a branch off of the tree, and my Dad can't put it back on.
Not to mention there are no gifts to put under the tree. My Dad doesn't go shopping for the rest of the family until Christmas Eve. He already got me a printer since our old one died, but I haven't even had the time to properly set it up, since it's wireless (I can't seem to connect to the in house network). The quality is at least nicer and it is supposed to use less ink than the old one, but I wanted it for it's wireless capabilities, so I wouldn't have to go from room to room with my laptop just to print some work for school.
I already got a new microwave and I did get a movie for him, but I don't know if he'll like it. I honestly haven't had the time to go and buy him anything else, since it's always busy out when I get out of work or school, and I had exams until Friday. The snowstorm today didn't help, either. I was hoping to get him a Home Depot gift card, since he is actually interested in fixing the house now (not that he gets anything done with it...). I feel guilty that I haven't gotten him much, but I don't really want to spend a lot of money on anything, either.
You see, I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. FiFi (or Mrs. Black, as I'll call her from now on) is going to be leaving right after Christmas to go home. I might get to see her again over Winter Break, but I doubt it. I don't know about Spring Break, either, since our breaks might not line up (she's going back to school in January). I might go up to where she lives for a while in the summer, but I don't know because I'm trying to save up money. Renesmee and I aren't really getting along that well. We've had ups and downs for a while now, though with Dancer gone, I figured some of that overzealous religious stuff would get out of her head, which it has. Still, I honestly think she says things to tick me off sometimes, and I'm having a harder and harder time holding my tongue. When Mrs. Black leaves, it will be just the two of us again, that kind of sucks.
Then there's school. I have my big Senior Composition Recital in March, which is bad because it could snow, which would screw up everything. The cold weather so far hasn't been bad, but I won't know about March until the end of February, and maybe not even then. The biggest thing is finding people who will play my pieces and actually flow through with it when the time comes. I've already asked a few people and have others in mind. Part of the thing I need to do is get some of the work on the wind ensemble works fixed up so I can hand them out when I get back to school. I hope to have them worked out before the New Year so I can send them to my teacher later that week and then fix them the week before school. By January, I hope to have all my players and all the music out, and have rehearsals the last two weeks of February. The problem isn't getting people, it's getting people who will follow through. I asked three violinists to play on my violin miniatures, and they all managed to screw me over somehow. The first one told me he couldn't do it around the end of October (I asked him around the middle of the month). The second one was even worse, she dropped out less than a week before the concert, and I didn't find out until the day of the first rehearsal. The second one didn't give the third one her music, and the third one never bothered to tell me about it, so she was reading off of scores I had printed for myself, but those weren't all corrected (printer ink isn't cheap, my printer was in the throes of death, and I didn't feel like printing all those pages, to be honest), so she was reading parts that were wrong. Then, the night of the concert, she shows up forty five minutes late, because she went to freaking Boston, which is three hours from where I live, and almost four from URI. I don't know why she would even go all the way up there if she felt like she wouldn't be able to make it back in time. Not to mention she was playing in someone else's piece as well. The performance wasn't too bad, the guitar players had both worked hard and managed to keep her in line. Yet, I was honestly pretty disappointed.
Not to mention the time before, where I wrote an art song and the singer managed to hijack my own work from me. I was so upset by that I couldn't even listen to it. I was the only one who didn't enjoy it, which made me feel even worse, because I was wrong about my own freaking piece. That's like not knowing how to dress yourself. Or the time before that, when I wrote a piano piece and couldn't find a player to touch it. I worried that would happen again when the second best piano player in the music department told me he was only playing Bunny's music. It pisses me off that Bunny would take a piano player for himself. I did get another piano player, but he's a bit scattershot, though at least he has the music, but I doubt he will practice it until school starts again. The piece ended up getting played by two people who had looked at the music for all of a week. All of these instances have left me looking very unprofessional and feeling really crappy.
It's like the kids at school don't like me, or at least not my music. I'm not a very good guitar player, despite having played for seven years now. So, they don't have a high opinion of me as a musician. My music theory knowledge is kind of scattershot and faded due to the time I spent at UMass and not having taken a basic theory class since CCRI. So, when we talk about theory stuff in history or our advanced level classes, I either don't say anything, or I say something dumb. I really had hoped that they would hear my music and know that I do have some talent, even if it's not as a much as the other composer's. I sometimes feel like I just got accepted into the music department at URI because I went to CCRI and they have an agreement with them to accept transfer students with decent grades.
Going to school in the middle of the year felt odd, too. There weren't any welcoming functions going on, since there weren't many students to welcome, and they were all transfers like myself, so they commuted to campus. I don't even think I've seen anyone who came in the same transfer group that I did. None of those transfers went into the music department, either. I'm even older than all of my classmates, not that they can tell, unless I tell them my age (or it's put in the program, like in the Composer's Concert ones). Basically, the kids at school don't know me well, aside from a ton of misconceptions that make me look like a complete idiot who got in only because she got into CCRI, which was partly because my Dad knew the professor there. I feel like there's no way they'll accept me as an equal, and it's pretty much too late now, anyway, with only one semester left.
I wish I could find the time to hang around school. I had practice with the University Chorus at the beginning of this month, and all the kids were still hanging around the Fine Arts Center, even though it was almost ten at night. I don't know how they can hang out there so late, I honestly hate being there after 4 pm. Yet, every time I stay there, I notice kids leaving late. Even Fakir hangs out there, and he doesn't live on campus.
I haven't really talked to him since then. Except for the night of the Composer's Concert. He was in the first piece that was on, so I didn't even get to see him much. Not to mention I was worried about my own composition troubles. A girl was looking for me to tell me about my violin player. I guess she told him to look around for me, and when he found me, he looked at me for a second, and then pointed me to and said "I found her.". Then he said "Hello" to me, but the girl had seen me when I first came in, so she didn't need to talk to me again. It was weird, because after that (I imagine this is because Mrs. Black was around, so I was used to saying what was on my mind), I said, quite loudly "Thank you for finding me." to him. I don't think he head me, because I was in the hallway and he was in the room that he was headed for when he saw me. I actually didn't realize what I said until after I said it. For a while I thought, he must think I'm witty now, but then I realized he might think I'm an idiot. Or maybe he didn't hear me at all.
Not much else is really going on. I have work on Monday, then Wednesday, then I don't have work again until Saturday. I imagine Christmas Eve will be spent trying to get last minute gifts (and possibly raiding the closing Waldenbooks store in the mall, so much manga I haven't gotten yet!) for my family (note: this is my Dad's yearly thing, not mine). Tuesday I'm supposed to go over to Renesmee's with Mrs. Black and we're going to have a sleep over. I hope it'll be fun, but since I've been mad at Renesmee lately, I'm worried I might yell at her. Then again, it will be the last time I see Mrs. Black until the spring, and maybe even later. I really want to try and make it the most fun that the three of us can possibly have. Even though Renesmee has been a jerk about it, saying she would have some food for us and then telling me yesterday she didn't have any food. She then told me she threw away a whole pizza her friend had bought and given to her, just because she didn't like it. She even threw away some ice cream. Since Mrs. Black has no money, I have to foot the bill for food, which made me angry. As if I have tons of money lining my house and car. I decided I'm going to bring a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese that my Dad bought a few weeks ago. I'm also going to get a cheap Danish cookie tin at Walgreens since they're on sale this week for three dollars. I figure that's good enough, and I'm bringing my own cereal for the morning, and maybe a half gallon of milk.
Anyway, I imagine this is super long, but I needed to get some things out. I really do want to try to continue my past resolution of having some friends at school, and at least trying to talk to Fakir. I still don't want to let him know how I feel, but I do know I want him to get to know the real me, the one he hasn't seen much of. I actually had a dream that I called him by mistake, he called me back, wondering who it was. We ended up talking for a while, and he told me "I'm glad that I got to talk to you, you're really cool." Then, he wrote me a message on Facebook asking me if I'd go out with him sometime. It's so sad, in my dream, the first thing I did was write in here about how I was going out with Fakir.I ended up waking up from the dream super cranky because I felt it would never happen. If you're wondering, I'm pretty sure I had the dream because I listened to this Beatles marathon on Error FM the night before. The Beatles are Fakir's favorite band, and he often wears those old looking shirts they sell with them on it. He looks so adorable in those, too. I actually bought a shirt like that because I wanted him to see it. I even have a Paul McCartney shirt I wear proudly when I go to school because I think of him when I wear it. Anyway, enough of my confessions. Good night!
*Rukia* (though my friends have now taken to calling me Duck. Also, I love how the Fakir part is super long, and yes, I like this nickname now because I call the guy I like Fakir.
<< Sunday, Dec. 20, 2009@10:54 p.m.>>