Have you ever had someone distance theirself from you? That's how FiFi has been lately. I felt bad, because we were such good friends over the summer, and now she won't talk to me, or any of us.
Well, I gave her a note, telling her how I felt she was being selfish, because she was isolating herself from all of us, and how she was being rude to us, by not saying anything or giving full reasons why she wasn't talking to any of us.
She got it yesterday, and she was all crying and then she got really mad at Carbon (who gave it to her, because I don't see her all day). I honestly was naive enough to think it would make her see the light, and maybe hang out with us on Friday night, but she didn't.
So, this morning, I go online, hoping Carbon will be on, and FiFi is on, and she IMs me. She yelled at me, saying that her real friends understand, and that she was distancing herself from me because I get angry over the littlest things. Then, I told her that it was hard to understand things if they weren't explained, because that's how it feels. Then, she told me she was through with all of this, and my phone rang.
She told me about how she's been withdrawing from her depression medication (why the fuck did they take her off it in the first place?), that her boyfriend was helping her, that she couldn't explain it to us and that being around us (me and my friends) made her depressed. Then, she said the whole anger thing again. She made me feel awful, which is how she's made me feel a ton lately, which is what I said to her.
She told me that I get angry over every little thing when I don't get my way with it. She told me she couldn't deal with that, or anyone else's problems anymore. I told her that we all have problems, and I'm trying to work with mine, but she didn't seem to believe me. I hate that, the way she made me feel like my problem was the worst problem ever, like I'm some kind of serial murder/rapist of little five year olds who worships Satan and writes on walls in blood.
She made me feel like I was in elementary school again. I felt that weak feeling, where I want to cry, because I know I've been hurt, and I have no idea how to deal with any of it. I feel depressed now, because I feel like all of this is my fault, and that I'm back to where I was five years ago, back to doubting my humanity, and thinking I was a monster.
I've been crying since I hung up the phone. I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to criticism. There are some people I can't take seriously, but she was one of my friends. She always used to tell me I had mellowed out, and that I was getting better. Why is she all of the sudden maliciously attacking me? It probably isn't malicious, but I just hate the way that she put me in that place. I always had the belief that people who were your friends weren't supposed to put you in a place like that. None of my other friends do that, even when they're really pissed off at me, so why does she have to do that?
I don't want to be back in that place again, because I doubt I could get out of it, because the person who was there for me to get me out, doesn't like me anymore. I don't know how I feel right now. I've been crying and listening to my Wilco cd ever since I put down the phone, and drinking water. I tend to do that when I'm sad, it's some odd habit of mine. Anyway, I guess you can all tell me how I have scarred you for life, or made you think I'm crazy. Say something to me, anything. Bye!
Your insane friend in the sky,
*Grape*Cloud*
<< Saturday, Oct. 26, 2002@11:57 a.m.>>