I don't know how to feel. I just called my dad a few minutes ago, because he was due home from the hospital at about eight thirty, but he hadn't come home. Scrubs (one of my favorite shows) had just gotten off. It was this two part one, and this was part two. In it, a guy was diagnosed with lukemia and he ended up getting chemo, and becoming better.
I called my dad, and I asked him "Are you still at the hospital?" and he said: "Yes." I asked him why, and he said he didn't want to tell me. Eventually, I pried it out of him, thinking it was something good. He said: "Your mother...died."
My family knew it was going to happen, but I don't think any of us thought it would be so soon. I didn't cry at first, until I got off the phone, and then I cried like there was no tomorrow, and I'm still crying as I type this. I was going to go see her tonight, but I didn't, because I had to stay home and do my Chemistry homework online. I feel so awful about not going. I never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her, she was out of it, going to the bathroom on the floor and everything. It reminds me of when my grandma on my dad's side was dying, because she did the same thing.
I feel bad, because I didn't think she would die, I mean, on Saturday, she was going out to eat with my grandma, my uncle, my aunt, my whole family on her side. I just don't get that. It wasn't even a week ago, and she was okay, she was talking and acting normal, and now, she's gone, and I don't know if I'll ever see her or talk to her again.
I wish I could reach out and hug someone right now, just to know that someone is there. I just need someone to remind me that things will be okay. I just need someone, anyone, to know about this, I just want someone to tell me I'll be okay. I just want to go and listen to my music with the flashing lights on, and try to find out, in my head, what's going on.
I want to go to school tomorrow, but I won't be able to answer notes or guestbook entries, etc. right now. Please, be kind and give me a day or two to get myself together. I can't believe it, at all. I sincerely thought she would be okay, just like the guy on Scrubs, but she's not, and most people with luekmia aren't. It almost never happens that way, so why do they tell you that on tv? I know it's not the Discovery Channel, but still. I think I might write a letter to NBC about that, if anyone wants to, they can remind me every now and then.
My dad doesn't want me to go to school, but I do. I don't know what else to say. I don't want to hear your sympathy, I just want to know that you are there, and that you are reading, and maybe you, or someone you know, has been through a similar experience. Please, let me know. Good night to everyone out there. I'll be okay.
I'm out of words to say,
*Racecar Horlas*
"Never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance"
"May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in."-Hear You Me-Jimmy Eat World
<< Thursday, Sept. 05, 2002@9:13 p.m.>>