Today has been a really crappy day. I woke up at five thirty when my Dad got up and I couldn't get back to sleep. I got mad at myself as I often do when I'm in my bed and I don't want to get up but I can't sleep. I told my Dad how I feel like I have no future because I want to be a music teacher but I'm bad with people so I don't think that I could be a good music teacher because of that. Since I don't think I would be good at it, I'm not sure I should even be doing it. I'm also bothered by my lack of friends and the way that, even though I have lost fourty pounds in the last two years, I have yet to have a guy actually be attracted to me. I thought of the guy in my music thoery class, but that was something I wasn't sure of.
I went to school and went to Italian, which was boring. There's only six people in the class now who regularly come. One girl, her mother died and her mother I think lived in Africa at the time, though she was planning to move to France. I can understand that she probably had to go to Africa to console her father and go to her mother's funeral and it would be hard for her to come back when the semester has three weeks left in it. Everyone else though, has no good reason not to show up. Some people haven't shown up in about two weeks and it's just so weird. I feel bad that I will be missing class next Thursday, but it will be the only class I will miss in the whole semester, so I don't feel too bad. Anyway, it's kind of weird how it's only six of us answering questions and such, and I mess up more than I used to and I get really tired during class. It finally ended and I went to music theory, excited to see him.
Anyway, I got there and this nice girl who I talk to (only small talk though) asked me about my Thanksgiving and I asked her about hers. Just as she was answering, he showed up with a guitar case. She asked him how his weekend was and he said that he now had a girlfriend and that they started dating over the weekend. I was really crushed and just bummed out. He opened up the guitar case and showed the people in the hallway his guitar. I'm not sure if it's because I was pissed at him for being nice to me and then getting a girlfriend shortly after or if it was just ugly, but I thought his guitar was really ugly. It was an acoustic, but it was a thin one and it was some brand I had never heard of, which is ridiculous, because you can get so many major brands around here, for very little.
I went and took the theory test, though I'm not really sure how I did. I was one of the first to finish and when I went up and brought it to the teacher, I banged my knee on the desk (which was right in front of the boy) and everyone heard it. It sounded like a gong being hit, but I apologized, twice and still felt irritated. Even on the way home I cried a bit and got mad because EVERYBODY cut me off.
I worked out and played clarinet then I went to Western Civ. While walking to through the parking lot, right in front of the entrance to the school, there was a car (a fucking white supercharged Honda, no less, the new offical car of the jackass boy who likes basketball and listens to his rap music so loud you can feel the bass in the ground) that I thought was waiting to pick someone up, because it was stopped right near the front of college, on the curb. So, I started walking and then the jackass turns around right in front of me and his car is facing me and he's on the gas! I called him an asshole and he called me that and then I called him an immature bastard. It just made me really mad. I am so fucking sick of guys always being rude to me, like I've done anything to them. I swear, if I ever see that jackass out of that piece of shit car of his, I'm going to run him down and see how he likes it.
I just feel like I'll never be able to find a guy who really likes me and whose motives are pure and not for some dumb reason like to make fun of me or boost his ego. I told my Dad all this and he thinks I'm looking for Mr. Right, but I'm not. I want to have some experience with guys before I meet my true love. Not sex, but kissing and holding hands and just talking about stuff. You know, I just want a guy that thinks I'm a good person and thinks I'm pretty and I want a guy that I think is cute and that I think is a good person. I want us to get along and I want to be able to do stuff with him like go to the movies. I really want him to be patient with me and not be mad at me for never having kissed another guy or never having held hands with another guy. It seems like guys don't like girls that don't have experience with that stuff and it seems like every girl in the world does.
You know what is awesome? For those of us too cheap (or too poor, in my case) to shell out the eighty dollars to get Seinfeld seasons 1-3 on DVD, you can rent them! I'm planning to go to Hollywood Video (I have no idea why my Dad goes there) and renting a copy if there are any left. I probaly should've realized it sooner, but I didn't. I would love to see the episodes in their original versions with all the extra stuff.
Not much else is going on. I went to see my Grandma yesterday, but it was raining really bad so I didn't stay long. I came home around three, even though I left to go there around eleven thirty. I ate lunch with her and I'm getting my hair done up where she lives around Christmas time. I'll try to take a picture of myself then, because right now my hair is many different colors. The top is black because those are my roots showing because I stopped coloring my hair since I was worried it was getting damaged. The lower part is a mix of blonde and red because those are the two colors I have been dyeing it for the past seven years now. I am going to have it done so my hair is all black, like my roots, but with blonde highlights. I wish I had light hair though, because it seems like most people with light eyes have light hair.
Is it normal to wonder if you're meant to be with someone that you've always liked? I still kind of like Disney because I can relate to him in so many ways and I wished I could have told him that. I don't think he likes me though, he was always just very polite to me and he liked to flirt with girls who were really pretty, the popular ones. I really miss him and it's weird how he's never really gone out with anyone, either. I can't fathom why because he is so smart, sweet and funny. He isn't very attractive, but I think if he lost some weight he would look good, and even if he didn't, his personality is just so great it's not very hard to look past his looks. He still lives in Welfare Town, I don't even think he graduated last year, I saw him at graduation though, I remember because he tripped on purpose, but I'm not sure. I know he's still around here because he works at the local Blockbuster. I almost want to go in there someday just to see him. Man, I'm weird.
Also, another question: does anyone out there eat their mashed potatoes with a spoon? At Thanskgiving, there were NO spoons and we had corn, too. To me, those are spoon foods and there needs to be spoons there to eat with, but even on my Mom's side of the family they are like that. Is everyone like that? I kind of like spoons, I see no reason for a backlash, I can understand hating sporks because they never seem to function as spoons or forks, but I like spoons. Anyway, I will write more later.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, Nov. 29, 2004@8:42 p.m.>>