You know I haven't updated my diary in a while when I can't remember the password, and I think that someone has stolen it. I honestly almost flipped out, thinking that I would never be able to write in here while waiting for a class again.
I've been writing in my MySpace a lot lately, probably because it is just more like that people will read that one. Still, I would hate to abandon this. Heck, I even was thinking of unlocking it, but if Tristan ever found this, he would kill me, and then use my head as a candy dish. Not that he probably doesn't have a million reasons to kill me as it is, I just don't want to give him more.
It's really weird though. I don't know if anyone reads my MySpace, but I wrote a poem on there called "Big Brother" and it was actually about him. I realized that he probably sees me as his little sister and I kind of do feel like he could be a big brother to me. He also reminds me of Byakuya Kuchiki from Bleach, who is Rukia's older brother. He seems kind of cold and he doesn't let his emotions get to him, at least not when he is talking to me. I kind of feel like he treats me the way Byakuya treats Rukia, which is to kind of look down on her and not really treat her like a family member, but an acquaintance. I'm not really sure why I feel that way about him. I don't think I could ever tell him that, he wouldn't understand and he would probably get mad at me for thinking about him.
I don't think about him as much as I used to (whether it appears that way or not is up to you guys), but I kind of feel like he hurt me a lot, and I don't feel I've recovered from that. I do feel like I'm starting to be who I was after being someone else last year, but I don't feel like I am fully back.
Today I didn't feel like I was back at all. I got really angry because Audacity was being a bitch and not letting me edit my concert file that was in iTunes, but it turns out that iTunes and Audacity don't work together the way I thought they did. I think I know how to fix it, but if not, I will probably want to throw my computer out the window, or I might just move the music to my PC and try it, but then it wouldn't be compatible with the work I did on my Mac. Fucking Apple. I really hate having a Mac sometimes and I don't want to talk to the guys at the Apple Store ever again. Not after what that guy did to me, I just would want to ring his neck so badly if I saw him again, or I would just burst into tears. I think you know by now which one would really happen.
I have a headache from that whole getting mad thing. I just get irritated because I feel like I am still so far from what I want in life. I need to do work in Counterpoint, which I find myself working on every night for at least an hour, if not more. I need to write the third movement of my piece, but it has once again been hijacked by my teacher, who is making me use some scale that I don't understand, but I'm not even sure what I don't understand about it, so I can't ask her. I hate it when I meet someone new, I feel so uncomfortable with them. I still feel totally uncomfortable with her and I obviously don't understand her way of teaching. I just hate the way that if I don't know something, she assumes that I never learned it, and not that I've forgotten it. I worry that this is another Lajoie situation all over again and I'll never get a college degree. Sometimes I just want to die so I don't have to put up with all this bullshit. I know it's bad to say, but it's just that I feel like my life is in some horrible cycle that will never end.
I feel like I'll never connect with anyone in a meaningful way, or get a college degree, or be a REAL musician like so many others can do. I hate the way that everyone around me makes their lives look so easy. I doubt what I do would appear easy to anyone, because it isn't. I feel like my whole life has just been one fight after another, and I always feel like the underdog.
I have to go to my guitar lesson now. Not that I give a fuck. I feel like a little kid and he never answers the questions that I do have. I really fucking hate playing guitar, because everyone does it. Someday I'm going to get a trumpet and join a fucking ska band.-Kate
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