I have to say that the most irritating thing about me these days, besides my constant bad mood, is that I hate my name more than anything. I hate the way that I was in class today and the teacher said "Horlas" and I looked up, thinking she was talking to me, but she was not. Then, she said "Racecar" and I thought she was talking to me but she was not. I can't answer to my fucking name anymore and it is really starting to drive me crazy. I want someone to say my name and I'll look up and they'll acutally mean me. When people do say my name and they mean me, I often don't look up because I assume that they are not talking to me, yet if they are, they think I'm deaf because I don't respond. I also depise it when people get my name wrong and I wonder if that is abnormal or not because people do it all the time! There is an "e" in my last name and some people do not use the "e", but I do and so does everyone else in my family, yet everyone around here spells it without the "e"! Even if I correct them they forget! I'm changing my name the minute I get enough money.
I've been furiously working on my research paper and I have about seven pages now. I'm going to try and do some more tomorrow night, but I need to go out and get my amp. I hate the way that I really want a Marshall because that's what I see so many rocks bands using. I'm such a copycat sometimes. I really want something nice though that I can use for anything and I want it to be loud as all hell. I really think my problem with playing is being shy. I want to play and I want to hear myself, but I don't want anyone to hear, though I think my guitar teacher (I can't even remember which one, I think it was the one in Wakefield) told me that he was like that, too. I tried to get over it today, and I think I did make some progress, but I'm not fully sure.
I didn't do much else today except go to class. I hate the way my Grandma tries to preach to me so often. I honestly can't stand it when people tell me what to do or how to feel. I've been really tired and I notice it has made me more agressive and fresh with people. I'll probably add another entry tomorrow, because I keep forgetting what I want to say and iTunes keeps playing stuff that makes me want to dance.
I have to pracitce my rhtyhm stuff for ear training because I can't even describe how badly I need to do good on the next test. The big jazz contest is next week and we are leaving at nine in the morning. I have no idea how I am getting there and I am kind of nervous about how I will do. Oh, today the bassist played without his shoes on, which was weird because he has no socks, so everyone was yelling at him to put his smelly feet back in his shoes. The second bassist left early, so he had to play everything with his damn shoes off. The trumpet player yelled at him to stop playing bass with his feet (He's tried to play his upright bass with his feet a few times, by holding the bow with his foot). I find that funny, though it's probably not funny when you read it, sorry about that. We did play okay, but the trumpet player recorded the other guitarist playing the chords to "Coralie" and while his rhythms are nicer than mine, he didn't voice lead the chords so it sounded like shit. Basically, he was on the third fret on minute and the twelfth a second later, which does not sound good. I thought the way I played it sounded better and I'm mad that he wouldn't let me play it instead. I've been praciticing my ass off on that song!
I also hate it when you listen to songs you used to like a long time ago and they make you sad. I definately think I nearly cried listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American cd, which is what I'm going to call it because they already had a self titled cd before that. It just reminds me of how high school was so easy and I didn't feel so alone. Oh, and my Gateway worked right, as last night I couldn't even get a damn thing off it because both the old and new mice died and my Dad got another. The one he got works. I just feel so lonely and I have no social life, I spend all my time working on school stuff and it bums me out that I never have fun anymore. I already feel like an old lady, yet I also feel like I've never lived a day in my life, it feels weird. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005@10:06 p.m.>>