I can't for the life of me remember where that line came from, just that I found a mix CD the other day with it on it. It was weird, because it had "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters on it, and I had just put that on my iPod about a week earlier, so it was odd. That song reminds me of Bunny, and so I put that on the CD for him, but I never gave him said CD. It is actually made, with a note inside of it (on the other side of the tracklisting), but I decided not to give it to him. I was going to wait until today to give it to him, we were supposed to practice together for piano. I changed my mind about giving it to him after Friday. I thought I was over him after that.
He told me we were going to practice on Tuesday on Wednesday, and I was supper happy about that. Then on Friday, he asked me if I had the forms with me so we could fill them out after Form and Analysis. I didn't have mine with me and then he realized that he didn't have them, either. It kind of pissed me off because I was happy to be able to spend the time with him practicing. He then made it sound like we were going to practice on Tuesday and didn't say anything yesterday, so I figured we were practicing today.
Well, I was kind of depressed today. I've been thinking about this guy I used to like six years ago, and I'm not really fully over him. I was listening to this song that reminded me of him, and it was making me depressed. I did get some homework done before I came to school (I should be doing more of it now, but I'm obviously not), but I'll have more to do when I get home, and I need to try and get to bed at a decent time, because tomorrow is the day when I have classes almost back to back, except for a one hour break.
Anyway, when I walked into the Fine Arts Center, he was the first person I saw, looking at the calendar of events for the music department and eating a Ring Pop (without trying to look gay, I imagine, since he didn't have it on like you're supposed to do, or in his mouth like a pacifier, which is how I eat them). He told me that he had forgotten about it, and that he was busy (which he is, I forgot he won a composition contest and he has to play convocation twice). I felt bad for being so mad at him before (not that he knew I was). He also told me he didn't plan on practicing with me much anyway, though I think it's more that he doesn't like piano than it has to do with me. We talked for a bit after that, but it was about school stuff, so maybe there is nothing there and I'm having a hard time seeing that.
I don't honestly care if he likes me or not. I'm not sure if I fully like him anymore anyway. I mean, it would be nice to go out with him, but we don't have to. I wouldn't mind being friends with him one bit. I'm not sure either of us would really have time for each other anyway, though I would try and make time for him, I'm not sure that he would do the same for me, or if he would even be able to do so. I guess I will keep him in mind, and if someone else comes along that I like more, than I'll go after them. If no one does, then that's okay, too. I'm just going to try and be myself with him, because that's the only way he could like me, anyway. The CD can stay in my bag, and maybe it will just be a memento of how I felt or still feel (I'm not sure about that yet, and I might not be for a while). If things change, that's good, if they don't, that's okay, too.
I feel bad for getting so caught up in the idea of having a boyfriend. I must seem really shallow and stupid when I get like that. I bet people read this and think "she doesn't know the first thing about how a relationship really works". I probably don't. I just really want to learn, and I really want to be there for someone and have them be there for me. I want to sing "You'd Be So Nice To Come Home To" to them, I want to write them pretty poetry, I want to dress nice for them, I want to be a better person for them. I feel silly for having the desire to build my life around someone else, but it's not really that, though I'm sure it sounds that way. I just want to build a life with someone else, to be a part of something bigger than myself. I've wanted that for a long time now.
I was feeling really depressed on Sunday, so I watched Fruits Basket, and I finished the one DVD I watched today. I really like that show, it's the TV equivalent of comfort food. So cheery and so upbeat, even when the characters are sad, they always find some way or some desire to keep going. I want to live my life that way. It sounds stupid to get inspiration from fictional characters, but I don't care, it's just how I get by now. I'm sure it won't always be that way.
What's really stupid is how I spent all the time that I should be working on my iWeb project on writing this. My iWeb project is going to suck anyway, I don't honestly know what I am doing, though I'm doing good in the class otherwise, and it's only about 40% of our midterm. As long as I don't get an F on it, and do good on the other part of the midterm (which is open book, open notes and unlimited time since it's WEBCT quiz), I think I'll be fine. I know how to use iWeb, and I think that is what she is really looking for. I'm going to head into University Chorus right now, which is one of the last places that I want to be. Then again, I don't know where my ideal place to be is, either. Probably NYC seeing some awesome band and eating a good dinner, or just hanging out at the Prudential Center in Boston with a cute guy. Maybe that guy would be Bunny, but who really knows for sure.-*Racecar*
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