I'm wicked bummed out today, and it just seems like everything that happens makes me feel worse. Is there an end to this? Will I feel better ever? It just feels like it is never going to happen.
It all started this morning, when I was almost late to my nine in the morning jury because some asshole cut me off, I swear, I've gotten cut off three times (almost four) in the past three days, what the fuck is going on? Do people think I wind up my fucking car, that it's some toy? I hate being human, I see no advantage to it. Guys don't like me, girls don't like me, no one wants to be around me, I feel like my life has no meaning because I have no one to share anything with. Even if I get what I want for Christmas, most of the things I want are games that are much more fun with two people, and I know I'll never have the privledge of having that.
Anyway, I didn't do too good on my jury because I had a hard time sight reading and playing the scale they asked for. I don't want to see my private teacher anymore because he is a fucking asshole who doesn't like me and doesn't encourage me. He was ten minutes late for my lesson yesterday and didn't make it up oh, and I got a fucking door slammed in my face trying to carry my guitar to my car. I just want to leave it on someone's doorstep and let someone else play it instead. He just doesn't like me or encouage me and we didn't start working on these songs until two weeks ago, it just pissed me off. I'm also mad that I told the head of the music department about it and she just brushed me off. I feel like no one cares how I play at school, becuase they know I'll never be at the level they want me to be at.
Then I come home and hear about the whole Johnny Damon thing, though that doesn't bother me as much as it did when I first heard about it. I love the way he said he "tried" to resign with the Red Sox, because he obviously didn't. Trying is such bullshit, if he tried, how come the Red Sox didn't know about the deal with the Yankees until it was finalized? He's going to look like a fucking idiot in a Yankee uniform all clean shaven and stuff, not that he was good looking to begin with. It just sucks because everyone thought they would sign him again and that they would get Theo back, too, and none of that happened. Now they have a whole in center field, just like the hole at shortstop (although I heard they're filling that with someone from the team, I forget who) and the one that will probably exist in left field. I have the feeling they will be good next season, but it would be nice to know who is playing on the team. It's weird because Damon signed with the Red Sox four years ago today, too. He wasn't my favorite, but he was pretty popular, considering they had a press confrence today about his departure and there's cut outs of him at every Newbury Comics around here. I remember he was on the front page of the Providence Journal last year when they won the World Series, he was the face of that '04 team and it's weird to see him leave, especially for the Evil Empire.
Coming home from my guitar lesson made me feel like shit because I nearly got cut off again, though I went around the asshole this time because I'm fucking sick of dealing with people doing that to me. I really don't fucking care if someone hits my car, I just want some damn love and respect for Christmas. Everyone seems to be in love this time of year. Mr. Lambchops won't talk to me anymore because he has a girlfriend, Carbon won't call me for God only knows why (though I wish He'd tell me, too) and my Dad comes home at nine thirty now. He wouldn't even watch Arrested Development with me, and this week's episode was really funny, I DVRed it and I'm keeping it until the season three DVDs come out.
I just feel bad because I see people hugging each other, calling each other, buying stuff for each other and I don't feel like anyone is doing that for me. I feel like such a loser because no one seems to like me and I'm alone. I would kill to be with someone right now, watching King of the Hill or playing the Simpsons game that is in my PS2. I've been alone since I was little and it feels like it will never change. I wish there was a Santa Claus, because I would ask for a friend for Christmas, someone who loves and supports me, someone I can go shopping with every now and then someone who will be my best friend.
The guy I like has a girlfriend, though I already knew that, it is still bothering me. I hate knowing that I'm nineteen and nowhere near dating still. I'm starting to wonder if I even am a girl because guys don't seem to notice me at all, or if they do it's nasty ones.
It also sucks how no one is online or anything because of the holidays so I can't IM anyone, but if anyone wants to IM me (I'm serious), my IM is on my profile and I'll chat with anyone. I don't think anyone is reading this though. I'm going to make some banners for my diary. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2005@5:59 p.m.>>